#10!misha

[eulerist]

Soccer AU: Part 4

(Mikhail’s phone) 

short bastard: Crying emoji.

you: what

short bastard: Crying emoji.

you: did they give you the good stuff. are you high right now.

short bastard: Where is crying emoji. The emoji for crying. To express crying. I cannot find it.

you: ...you have to press the little globe. on the keyboard. bottom left. and then choose the face.

short bastard: 😭

short bastard: I am crying. Because of how bad you played. You did not win. You promised to win. You promised to destroy Halifax. You scored one goal. One goal is not destruction. One goal is a mild inconvenience. You lied. Liar Peesha.

you: NOT MY FAULT YOUR DEFENSE IS TERRIFYING. YOUR CENTER BACK IS BUILT LIKE A BRICK WALL. I ALMOST DIED. TWICE. HE BREATHED ON ME AND I SAW THE AFTERLIFE

short bastard: Crying emoji.

you: STOP SENDING CRYING EMOJI

short bastard: 😭

you: I AM GOING TO DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL AND UNPLUG YOU

short bastard: 😭😭😭

[eulerist]

Soccer AU: Part 3

(Yuriy's phone)

you: Peesha.

Tall Stupid Deaf Idiot: STOP. it is too early for this. it is too early for YOU.

you: At hospital. I will not be at the match tonight.

Tall Stupid Deaf Idiot: wait. what do you mean you're not at the match. you're ALWAYS at the match. you have to play. i've been planning my runs against your weak side for THREE DAYS. 

Tall Stupid Deaf Idiot: who am i supposed to yell at for ninety minutes if you're not there. the referee?? i already yell at the referee. it's not the same. they don't yell back properly.

you: I ate mold.

Tall Stupid Deaf Idiot: ...what

you: Mold. In the bread. I did not see it. The bread was on the counter. I ate it. 

Tall Stupid Deaf Idiot: you ate moldy bread and now you're in the HOSPITAL

you: The mold was advanced. Very advanced. It had ambitions.

Tall Stupid Deaf Idiot: oh my god

you: Ah. Nurse is here. She wants my phone. She is very stern. I like her.

Tall Stupid Deaf Idiot: don't flirt with the nurse you just ate poison bread

you: I do not flirt. I am professional. Ok bye Peesha. Win for me.

Tall Stupid Deaf Idiot: WIN for YOU?? dumbass i'm playing AGAINST your team tonight. you want me to score on your OWN goalkeeper. you want me to humiliate your club. you are asking me to destroy halifax

...fine. i'll do it. i'll put them to shame. i'll score a hat trick out of SPITE. tell the nurse you have a very dangerous belarusian who is about to ruin your team's evening

ALSO DO NOT EAT MOLD AGAIN. CHECK THE BREAD. USE YOUR EYES. I KNOW YOU HAVE EYES. I'VE SEEN THEM. THEY ARE VERY JUDGMENTAL. USE THEM FOR GOOD

yura??

...text me when you're done with the nurse. please. i need to know the person i'm supposed to embarrass next season is still alive. for professional reasons. 

you: [Image attached]

you: Alive. Not dead from bread. Nurse says I am "very stubborn." I said thank you.

Win. I will be watching on tiny hospital TV. Make it worth the bread.

[eulerist]

Soccer AU: Part 2

(Mikhail’s phone) 

short bastard: Misha.

short bastard: Misha. Hello.

you: ??? it is 4am. what do you want.

short bastard: Shit head.

you: excuse me

short bastard: It is shit head. Not poo-poo head. I am correcting. Poo-poo head is inaccurate. It implies childishness. Feces is feces. Adult feces. I am calling you shit head now. This is the upgrade.

you: is this an apology

short bastard: No. This is taxonomy. This is precision. I was imprecise earlier. I am fixing. This is not apology. Do not confuse.

you: you woke me up at 4am to tell me you're upgrading my insult from poo-poo head to shit head

short bastard: Yes. You deserve accuracy. Even in insult. Especially in insult. I am professional.

you: i'm blocking you

short bastard: [image attached]

short bastard: Do not block. This is Ryzhyk. He is watching. He will miss you. You want to break kitty heart? This is cruel. Cruel Misha. Evil Misha. Misha Peesha.

you: MISHA PEESHA

short bastard: It is rhyming. For emphasis.

you: GOODBYE. GOODNIGHT. I AM PUTTING MY PHONE ON SILENT. TELL THE CAT I LOVE HIM BUT HIS FATHER IS A MENACE.

short bastard: Ryzhyk says he loves you also. He says his father is correct about taxonomy.

you: the cat does not speak english

short bastard: The cat speaks Ukrainian. He is diaspora. We have discussed this.

[eulerist]

Soccer AU: Part 1

Across the field, 76th minute:

KOZLENKO: IGNATIK! YOU ARE A POO-POO HEAD!

IGNATIK: —stops mid-run, turns— A what?

KOZLENKO: You heard me! POO-POO! HEAD!

IGNATIK: —looks at the ref, looks back at Kozlenko, looks at his own teammate—

After the match, tunnel:

IGNATIK: —limping slightly, ice pack on ankle— "Poo-poo head."

KOZLENKO: —does not look up from unlacing his boots— Yes.

IGNATIK: That's what you went with. You had the whole English language. You could have called me anything. And you chose poo-poo head.

KOZLENKO: It was accurate.

IGNATIK: Accurate. Accurate. You—you two-footed me in Warsaw. You called me a "tactical liability" to a journalist last season. And now I’m a poo-poo head.

KOZLENKO: Consistency is not your strength. Insults should be consistent. Simple. True.

IGNATIK: Oh, so it's true? My head is full of poo?

KOZLENKO: You argued with the referee for two minutes about a throw-in. A throw-in, Ignatik. In the 73rd minute. You kicked the ball out yourself. With your own foot. Everyone saw this. You kicked it out and then you argued it was not your kick. To the referee. For two minutes. The referee who was standing right there.

IGNATIK: It was a bad call!

KOZLENKO: It was a correct call. The ball touched you last. Everyone saw this. The ball, the touch, your foot. The referee saw it. I saw it. The ball saw it. You argued anyway.

IGNATIK: That's not—

KOZLENKO: Head. Full of poo. This is the diagnosis.

IGNATIK: Well—fine. Fine! How would you like it if I called YOU a poo-poo head?

KOZLENKO: Ah. If I were you, I would agree.

IGNATIK: What?

KOZLENKO: I would say, "Yes, Yuriy, you are correct. I am a poo-poo head." Not because I take insult. But because it is true.

IGNATIK: I—that's not—I meant if I said it to you. You as yourself. Not you as me saying it back to myself. That's not—the pronouns—you've made this very confusing.

KOZLENKO: I am a philosopher of the Poo-poo Head. The first of my school. Do not attempt to argue with the philosophy. You are not qualified.

IGNATIK: There's a SCHOOL now? For poo-poo heads?

KOZLENKO: There is one student. You. Enrollment is mandatory.

IGNATIK: I don't want to be enrolled in your poo-poo head school!

KOZLENKO: No one wants to be enrolled. This is the tragedy of education.

[eulerist]

!! Soccer AU Note !!

Mikhail was never detained, never gave the interview, never lost his career. He’s not a dissident or political refugee, he’s just a talented footballer from Belarus who moved to Canada for the money and the league. His Russian is just his default.

When he encounters Yuriy who refuses to speak Russian, he’s genuinely confused. He’s not political, he’s just playing football. He’s not responsible for what his government does. He doesn’t support the war. He doesn’t even think about the war. He doesn’t think about much, honestly, besides football and where to find good döner in Toronto.

(Yura plays for Halifax, Misha plays for Toronto. They don't live together in Montreal in this AU. Their rivalry started on the international stage in Europe before they both migrated across the Atlantic.)