I wrote this fic for the Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest, organized by @swottypotter, because I thought it was such a lovely idea😊
(also on AO3 as part of a series of one-shot crush confessions)
19/09: an anniversary
Summary:
Getting older can be a fearful experience, but when you're a werewolf, it's just a tad worse. There's only so many excruciating transformations one's body can undergo before it can take no more. For Remus, the idea of celebrating the day of being another year closer to that inevitable moment is inconceivable. However, his friends teach him that instead of simply having lived another year, his life contains many other anniversaries he could be celebrating: having been part of a close group of friends for another year, having had company during the full moon for another year, and... having a certain friend be in love with him for another year?
Moments in time
Remus Lupin does not celebrate his birthday. Doesn’t like it. Really doesn’t like it. Hates it, in fact. It’s not a case of modesty, like ‘he just doesn’t want to be the center of attention’, or even a case of bad experiences, like ‘if we can just show him how fun it can be’. No, he has made it clear to the other three Marauders that it’s no use even trying. If they throw him a birthday party, he won’t attend. If they buy him birthday gifts, he won’t accept.
It’s not that he hates birthdays as a principle. No, he’d loved it when they snuck into the kitchens and stuffed themselves with sweets for Peter’s birthday, he’d loved it when they stayed up all night and drank Butterbeer and even a bottle of Firewhiskey that they managed to smuggle in for James’s birthday, and he loved it when they had a sleep-over in the Shrieking Shack for Sirius’s birthday. It’s really his own birthday that he doesn’t like.
You see, Remus Lupin is a werewolf, and while he’s now more comfortable with that fact than he’s ever been, with being able to attend school, having people in his life that love and accept him even with knowing the truth, and having friends who became Animagii so he doesn’t have to be alone during the full moon anymore, there are just some things that come with his condition that cannot be changed. The illness on the days preceding and following the full moon, the excruciating pain that the transformations bring, and, probably worst of all, the fact that werewolves age prematurely.
Werewolves do not have a high life expectancy. There’s only so much strain one’s body can endure before it can’t take no more. Remus often reads in textbooks that werewolves don’t get old, but that’s wrong phrasing: werewolves do get old, they just get old really fast. While his friends will still be vital and brimming with energy, Remus’s bones will become fragile and his muscles stiff with constant aching due to the tearing apart and snapping back together necessary for the monthly transformations, his recovery after each full moon will become slower until he’ll never fully recover anymore, he’ll start having trouble walking and eventually moving altogether, his hair will become grey and his skin will become worn and littered with scars, making him look old beyond his years.
It’s bad enough that each year there’s a day to remind him that he’s another year closer to that inescapable faith, so why in Merlin’s name would he want to actually celebrate that day?
Remus never fully explained, so he’s not sure to what extent the other Marauders really understand what getting older means to him, but they can tell that it holds a lot of pain for Remus, and that it’s not something they can fix for him, so they respect his wishes. On the day itself they try their hardest not to give a single indication they’re aware it’s Remus’s birthday. The only way Remus can tell that they do know, is by how they go out of their way to make sure no one else dares to mention his birthday in his vicinity. This may seem weird or even mean to outsiders, but to Remus, it’s the best possible thing they could do.
That’s part of the reason why Remus is utterly confused when he enters their dorm on September 4th and finds Sirius, James and Peter sitting on pillows on the floor surrounded by drinks and candy, and a pile of gifts in their midst.
“Surprise!” They yell in unison the moment Remus opens the door.
Another reason for Remus’s confusion is that it’s nowhere near his birthday.
“What’s this?” He asks carefully.
Sirius presses a card in his hand. The front of the card shows a doodle of four boys sitting at the Gryffindor table. A small boy with peaky hair, a boy whose hair is pointing in all directions, a dark-haired boy with a goofy grin, and a curly-haired boy with large eyes, all wearing red-and-gold colours.
The doodle is clearly drawn by Sirius. Sirius is actually a very talented artist and his drawings are great, though he only ever shows his doodles to his friends. Remus loves the cute and funny doodles, but he wishes Sirius would also show them his more serious drawings sometimes. Remus has only ever caught a glimpse of his work on moments Sirius didn’t notice Remus’s presence in time while drawing, but what he saw was amazing.
Remus opens the card and reads the message on inside.
Hi Moony!
Happy 6-year anniversary of the day we officially became friends with you!
We love you!
Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs
Remus looks up from the card to see Sirius staring at him with the same goofy grin as the doodled boy on the card, but there’s also an unfamiliar expression in his eyes, and he’s toying with a strand of his hair.
Remus realises that he’s nervous. Afraid that Remus will see it as a trick to give him a kind-of-birthday party anyway, and become upset. And of course it is an attempt to make up for lost birthday celebrations, Remus knows that, but it’s a good attempt. It’s not just celebrating a certain amount of years from his life have gone by, it’s celebrating the years they’ve been friends. Making actual friends who love him and who he loves, and keeping them for all that time, that’s something Remus did with his life, something he accomplished, something no one can ever take away from him. It somehow makes the eventual length of his life matter less. It’s celebrating the quality, not the quantity.
A smile spreads across Remus’s face, and he can immediately see the relief on his friends’ faces. “I love it,” he says.
And honestly, how could he not love something that results in Sirius throwing his arms around his neck and pressing a kiss to his cheek?
Remus tries to ignore the fluttering of his heart. They’re celebrating five years of friendship, for Godric’s sake. Being friends with someone as loving, bright and cheerful as Sirius is already more than he could have ever asked for. Wanting more, even dreaming of more, would be pushing his luck. See? His brain knows all this, but apparently his heart hasn’t gotten the message.
James gets him out of his frenzy by taking a gift from the pile. “Alright! Lets see who the first gift is for!”
“You got gifts for everyone?” Remus asks curiously.
“Why, of course, Moony!” James exclaims. “Managing to keep one of the greatest persons ever as our friend is really a gift-worthy accomplishment for us! Really something we should be celebrating and congratulating each other on.”
Sirius nudges Remus playfully. “You can see your presents as a reward for having put up with us for so long.”
Remus chuckles. He definitely doesn’t need a reward for one of the greatest things that has ever happened to him, but he’s not gonna say no to the tea, mug and book that lie before him with his name written on them either.
The next surprise comes halfway through October, during their second trip to Hogsmeade of that year. Remus is sitting at the Three Broomsticks with Peter, waiting for James and Sirius to come back with their Butterbeers.
However, suddenly Sirius places a large mug filled with decadent chocolate milk in front of Remus, complete with whipped cream and a chocolate biscuit on top and sprinkled with chocolate chips. At the same time James presses another card in his hands. Remus immediately laughs at the doodle of him in front of Honeydukes, holding a large stack of chocolate in his arms. Wondering what his friends came up with this time, he opens the card.
Moons,
Happy 4-year anniversary of your very first trip to Hogsmeade with us! (Ah, the day Moony discovered Honeydukes...)
Many trips (legal and less-legal) have followed and will follow since!
Lots of love,
Wormy, Pads, and Prongsie
Remus actually wasn’t able to join them on the first weekend they had been allowed to go, as it had been a full moon the night before. Only the next weekend a Hogsmeade trip was planned, they were able to go with the four of them, today apparently four years ago.
The following hour Remus spends reminiscing all his trips to Hogsmeade with his friends. The one when James and Sirius had hidden in the Shrieking Shack and fired hexes at passers-by to convince everyone the Shack is cursed, the one when James tried to secretly follow Lily around to find out what to buy for her birthday and she ended up throwing Butterbeer in his face, the one when Remus was acting cranky because his favourite chocolate was sold out, only to find out Sirius had secretly bought the last bars for him as a surprise, or the one when James actually managed to get a date with Lily, and Peter had asked Mary McDonald, so Remus and Sirius went together (and Remus had to actively tell himself that it was not a date for the entire day, though he doesn’t discuss that last bit with his friends).
Before they leave, the other three Marauders want Remus to pick out all the chocolate he loves most from Honeydukes as his anniversary gift, but Remus refuses, not wanting to be selfish by letting his friends buy him his treats. Back in their dorm, however, it isn’t long before a bag filled with Honeydukes’ finest just mysteriously appears on Remus’s bed.
It isn’t until January, right at the start of the new year, Remus is surprised one again. He steps into the kitchens, where the others had told him to come to prepare for a prank, and finds his friends sitting at a table around a huge chocolate cake.
“Moony!” Peter calls out, while James and Sirius shoot confetti from their wands.
“What’s this?” Remus asks, grinning while he’s shaking the confetti out of his hair. This time he’s more excited than nervous.
Peter hands him the card. Remus chuckles as he sees the little deer with a rat hanging from his antlers, closely followed by a wolf and a dog walking side-by-side, doodled on the front. He opens the card, fully prepared for another odd anniversary his friends managed to come up with, but not prepared in the least for the wave of emotion that washes over him.
Dear Moony,
Happy 2-year anniversary of the day from which you’ll never again have to spend another full moon on your own!
Love, your animalistic friends,
Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs
Remus reads the card a couple more times, until his eyes start tearing up and his vision becomes blurry.
The short message is not only a reminder of what his friends have done for him, how they’ve gone and made an aspect of Remus’s life immeasurably better, an aspect Remus had always believed to never get any better.
And then the words ‘never again’, meaning that his friends will continue to help him once they’ve left school, meaning that it doesn’t end when school does, meaning that his friends will always be there for him.
Remus doesn’t even realise he’s crying until two arms wrap around him and Sirius pulls him into a tight hug. His head resting on Sirius’s chest and Sirius soothing him: exactly how he’s been waking up after the full moon for the last two years, and how he’ll be waking up after the full moon for the years to come.
At the end of March, it’s promising to become the first soft spring day after the winter, though the nights still have a chill in the air.
The Marauders are sitting on a blanket in the grass, wrapped in sweaters watching the sun slowly rise over the lake. They’d snuck out in the middle of the night through one of their secret passageways, and spent the rest of the night drinking, talking, star gazing, and now watching the sunrise.
“Cheers!” They cluck their mugs filled with hot mead together in the golden light of the rising sun. “To beautiful spring days and good times!”
“And to Moony,” Sirius adds. “On this special day.”
Remus laughs. “I should have known!” Though he feels this night has already been special enough.
Though he immediately starts reading the card, with a pretty doodle of the castle on the front.
To Messr. Moony,
Happy 2-year anniversary of the day you discovered the last secret passageway and finished the Marauders’ Map!
We solemnly swear to always remain up to no good!
There’s always more mischief to manage,
Yours sincerely,
The Messrs. Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs
Remus fondly shakes his head. The season is changing, life at Hogwarts is slowly coming to an end, but the Marauders’ days of mischief making are not ending just yet.
On the 17th of May, Remus is sitting at a table in the common room, surrounded by books, parchment, quills and ink. He’s waiting on Lily. He has a Potions essay due, and horrible in potions as Remus is, he really needs a good grade. Luckily, Lily has agreed to help him, as she’s the absolute best in Potions. Lily is not great because professor Slughorn adores her, professor Slughorn adores her because she’s great.
Remus sees Lily step through the portrait hall carrying a large pile of books, and immediately jumps to his feet to help her carry the load.
However, when they return to Remus’s spot, a beautifully wrapped gift is placed on top of his parchment.
“They came up with another date?” Remus mumbles, slightly embarrassed, but Lily just looks excited. Word has gotten around that the Marauders have been throwing Remus all kinds of parties for all kinds of reasons and everyone just loves it.
“Open it, open it!” Lily claps her hands and Remus tears the wrapping paper off.
Lily sucks in her breath. “Oh!”
Remus himself is unable to form any words as he’s holding up a frame. All he can do is stare wide-eyed at the framed drawing in his hands.
It’s definitely Sirius’s work. Not a doodle this time, but a completely finished, serious artwork. Remus recognizes himself in the drawing, curled up in an armchair, one hand holding a book, and the other holding a mug with steam circling upwards. The scene is seemingly illuminated by soft sunlight falling through a window on Remus’s left, giving his eyes and hair a slightly golden glow. The drawing is somehow comforting, in his ability to capture such a calm, serene moment. Though Remus thinks the boy in the drawing must look much more beautiful than he ever has, he has no problem recognizing himself, as the composure, radiance and expression are so typically his, that it makes him feel strangely vulnerable that someone has looked at him and seen him, really seen him.
“It’s beautiful,” Lily whispers.
The only thing written on the drawing is a date scribbled in the bottom right corner: 17/05/1977. Exactly one year earlier. Remus’s heart is thumping as he picks up and reads the small note that came with the gift.
Dearest Moony,
Happy 1-year anniversary of the day I fell in love with you.
Yours, now and always,
Padfoot
Remus can hardly breath. The more he reads the words, the more his brain stops functioning. He looks at Lily, who has been reading over his shoulder, with a pleading look.
“Lily, what do I do?” He asks desperately.
“Well,” Lily says uncertain. “I’m sure if you tell him you care for him, but see him as just a friend, he’ll-”
“Why in Merlin’s name would I want to say that?” Remus stares at her like she has grown two heads. “Why would I want to turn him down?”
“You looked so panicked!” Lily defends herself. “Why in Merlin’s name are you even asking my advice if you feel the same way? Just go find that boy and bloody snog the living daylights out of him! Merlin, Remus, it’s not Advanced Potions!”
Finding Sirius and snogging him sounds scary, risky, dangerous, and absolutely wonderful, so Remus decides to embrace his Gryffindor courage and go for it.
He barely nods at Lily before dashing away. He bumps into Peter while rushing through the common room.
“Oi, Moony! I just wanted to ask you, are you-”
“Sorry, Wormtail, gotta run! I have to go and snog Padfoot!”
He hears Peter’s voice echo through the room as he climbs through the portrait hole. “Yeeeeesssss!”
In the corridor, he passes James.
“Moony…”
“Sorry, Prongs, no time!”
“He’s up in the Owlery!” James calls after him. “I thought you might like to know you’re going the wrong way.”
Remus immediately turns around and runs in the other direction. He hears James mumble when he passes him again.
“About bloody time.”
Remus’s courage wavers a bit as he steps into the Owlery. Sirius is standing with his hands resting on the ledge, and he’s looking out over the Hogwarts grounds. His pale skin, his grey eyes reflecting the sky, his long hair with strands blowing in his face. Surely there has to be some sort of misunderstanding. Surely a boy this beautiful can’t possibly have feelings for someone like Remus.
But then Sirius turns around to look at him, and Remus can clearly see the love and affection, mingled with fear and uncertainty, in his eyes.
“The twenty-third of September,” Remus blurts out.
Sirius looks at him questioningly.
“That’s my date,” Remus clarifies.
There’s hope in those eyes now. “As in the date of your one-year anniversary of having feelings… for me?” Sirius asks tentatively.
Remus shakes his head, and Sirius drops his gaze, looking embarrassed. “Two years,” Remus quickly clarifies.
Sirius looks up at him again, his eyes now the way Remus likes them best: sparkling.
“Really, Moony?” There’s unconcealed happiness and relief in his voice. “Two whole years and you never said anything?”
Remus huffs. “It’s not an easy thing to say! You know that, took you a year as well.”
“That’s still twice as fast,” Sirius teases.
Remus sighs in defeat. “You’re right. And there’s no way I can give you something so special and amazing as you’ve given me today.”
“You can forget about your date anyway,” Sirius says.
Remus raises his eyebrows. “How so?”
Sirius reaches out his hand towards Remus. “I was rather hoping we could share this date? As the date we officially became a couple?”
Remus hearts stops for a moment, but then he knows just what to do.
He takes the hand Sirius is offering, and in a moment of bravery pulls him close, so that they’re standing chest to chest.
Remus tugs a strand of hair falling over Sirius’s face behind his ear. “I would love to.”
a couple of headcanons for the Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest by @swottypotter!
Sirius doesn’t lie
like never
he grew up in a household were being dishonest was punished
even now away from home he has trouble with not telling the truth
instead he says things that are technically true but won’t get him in trouble
or things that sway away from the actual question
“it was not not me but it also could have been someone else”
“oh, minnie. do you really think of me that bad? you look fantastic as ever, by the way. green really brings out your eyes. how’s the family?”
you get the point
James usually shits his pants when they ask Sirius the questions instead of him
he somehow manages to pull it off anyway
Remus lies to protect himself
being a werewolf and trans is already too much to handle for himself
he builds a wall around him to keep himself safe
lying about where he goes every full moon (”seeing my mother, she’s very sick”, “detention”, etc.) or why he always locks himself in the bathroom to get changed
over time he learns to be more honest about who he is
the Marauders make him feel more comfortable
after they start dating, they decide to always be honest with each other
both of them come with a lot of baggage so communication is key
the first time Sirius lied to Remus was when he tried to tell him “i love you” in 7th year but James barged in
instead he told him “can i copy your potions homework?”
the first time Remus lied to Sirius was when he tried to tell him “i love you” in 7th year but James barged in
instead he quietly handed Sirius his potions homework
& now another ficlet!
Today is the day, Sirius thinks with a smile. He holds Remus’ hand in his own and rushes up the stairs to the Gryffindor Tower. Remus laughs behind him, a little drunk on butterbeer. They just returned from Hogsmeade and Sirius wants to have their dorm room to himself for a moment before Peter and James join them.
He stammers out the password, stumbling over his own words in excitement. He has thought about this exact moment for a while, he wants to make it special, wants to make sure that he and Remus are alone.
The door to their dorm room swings open. Remus and Sirius stumble inside, a flying mess of entangled limbs and giggles. Remus lands beneath Sirius on his bed and Sirius’ mind goes blank for a split second.
Remus’ smile is bright, his golden eyes look like whiskey swirling in a crystal glass, freckles like stars scattered across his cheeks.
Sirius dips his head down and places a soft kiss on Remus’ lips, darting his tongue out and tasting him up. Caramel, cinnamon, chocolate.
“Someone’s eager,” Remus giggles, brushing their noses together before kissing Sirius again.
Sirius huffs, brushing a curl out of Remus’ face, taking in the sight below him once more. “I want to tell you something,” he says softly, summoning all the courage he requires.
Remus sits up a little, supporting himself on his forearms and crooks his head. “Good, me too. You start,” Remus says with a smile, bringing one hand up to brush his thumb over Sirius’ cheekbone.
I love you, Sirius thinks.
I loved you ever since I saw you step onto Platform 9 ¾ three years ago after I haven’t seen you all summer. You looked so different but so good. You suddenly were taller than me but I didn’t mind.
I loved you ever since you crawled into bed with me whenever I had nightmares, the way you held me tight all night. And you would let me do the same for you.
I loved you ever since you had chocolate smeared all over your face and let me wipe it off. You started to blush furiously under my touch. Even the tips of your ears were bright red.
I loved you ever since you started to call me Padfoot among our friends but Sirius in private. I like the way you say my name. You make it sound so soft, almost like a prayer.
Sirius snaps back to reality as James storms into the dorm room with a loud laugh. “You guys would never believe what Petey just-” He stops in his tracks, spotting the couple on Remus’ bed. “Oh,” he says and awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. “Sorry!” he yells and steps back out onto the corridor, closing the door behind him.
Remus clears his throat. “Anyway, what was it that you wanted to tell me?”
Sirius swallows and crawls off of Remus, slumping down onto the mattress next to him. “Can I copy your potions homework?” he asks, turning his head to face Remus.
For a moment, there is silence but then Remus nods slowly. “Sure,” he says, gets up and walks over to his pile of parchment.
“Didn’t you want to tell me anything?” Sirius asks as he watches Remus.
I love you, he wants to yell. He wants the entire school to hear it but the words just won’t come out.
Remus hands him a parchment roll with a tense smile. “Oh, it’s nothing.”
I love you, Sirius thinks and clutches the parchment to his chest.
forever playing catch-up. my submission for @swottypotter‘s 10 days of healing mini-fest, day two: honesty.
summary: peter mixes up the hangover potion with the veritaserum sirius nabbed from professor slughorn’s office.
“And now!” James says, glancing at table up front, where the professors have finally all looked away from the students, lost in conversation.
They slide their cups over to Peter, who—despite fumbling—quickly pulls his hand out of his robes in a tightly clenched fist. Remus barely catches the glimmer of light against the glass of the vial before Peter tips it over each of their drinks and pockets it again.
“Wait!” James says, and they drop their gazes back down at their plates, focusing on the food in front of them. “Okay, go, go, go!”
Finally, they each grab their cups and take a sip. A wave a relief washes over Remus, and his shoulders drop as he chuckles. “Remind me not to get talked into drinking with you lot on a Sunday night again,” he says as he downs half his coffee. “This hangover is murderous.”
“Tell me about it,” Sirius says and runs his hands through his hair, moving it out of his face. “I feel like a corpse. I think I finally get why my father kept that mead for special occasions.”
“He’s going to kill you when he finds out you nabbed it from him over the holidays,” Peter says and frowns.
“They’ll probably think one of the house-elves got into it or think it was Reg.” Sirius glances over his shoulder, and Remus follows his gaze to where his brother sits at the Slytherin table, lost in conversation with Avery and Mulciber. Sirius’s eyes darken for a moment before he turns back around sharply enough that it makes him wince and his hand reaches up to his forehead. “Not that he could do any wrong in their eyes.”
“Fuck him,” James says, nudging Sirius lightly, and Sirius nods as if convincing himself.
“Anyway, we should probably finish eating. McGonagall will kill us if we’re late to Transfiguration.” Sirius stabs a fork into his eggs. “Merlin, I swear this potion isn’t working the way it usually does.”
Remus agrees. The dull throbbing in the back of his head is still there, and when Mary Macdonald drops her fork half a table away, he stiffens as it rings in his ears. “Did you brew it properly?” he asks James.
“Don’t be daft. I could do this with a blindfold practically at this point.”
“Peter.” Sirius’s voice, low and tense, startles both him and James. The wrinkle between his eyes deepens as he points with his fork. “What color was the vial?”
Peter looks down in his robes. “Green. Why?”
Sirius’s cheeks turn red. “It’s always purple. Why did you grab the green vial?”
“What’s in the green vial?” Remus asks, suddenly alarmed. He looks down at his cup, but the coffee looks and smells no different.
“Veritaserum,” Sirius says after a beat. “I stole it from Professor Slughorn’s cabinet. I was hoping to use some on Snivellus to— Well, I hadn’t figured out what exactly to do with it yet.”
“You’re telling me I have a full day of classes, and I just drank Veritaserum?” James asks. “How much did you put in there?”
“I don’t know. A lot!” If the look by Peter’s face is anything to go by, Remus is certain that it will not be wearing off anytime soon.
“Well, fuck.” Sirius falls back in his seat. “Well, no one ask any embarrassing questions, and we should be fine.”
The implication of what they’ve just done hits Remus full-force, and he feels his chest tighten as his breath quickens. The room swims for a moment, and he glances over at Sirius. Even now, Sirius looks charming and frustratingly at ease. He pushes his hair back out of his face with one hand and pulls a hair tie off his wrist with his teeth.
“I’m going to go,” Remus says, careful to with his choice of words. He stands quickly and pulls his satchel over his shoulder. Before he can walk away, however, Sirius speaks up.
"Can you grab the other vial while you’re at it? You know—the purple one.” He shoots Peter a look, and Peter sinks in his seat.
“Will do,” Remus says, and he turns on his heels and walks out of the Great Hall before his friends can say another word.
- - -
Avoiding Sirius is harder than Remus images. He has to be careful not to try to give an excuse any time he leaves, knowing that lying is impossible. He catches the question in James and Sirius’s eyes each time he darts out after class, letting them know that he’ll see them later.
Lunch creeps by as well. With each question, he jumps, anxiously awaiting a wrong step. And by the time it’s over, Remus darts to the library with an apologetic explanation that he is headed to the library.
He’s anxious enough that he can hardly swallow more than a few bites, but despite his hunger, by the time dinner rolls around, Remus makes the decision not to go. The Astronomy Tower is thankfully empty, and he perches himself in the sill of a large window, staring outside and wondering how much longer the potion has.
“Thought you could use a bite to eat.” Remus startles and turns to see Sirius leaning against the doorframe, napkin and pasties in hand. “I managed to grab a few,” he says and tilts his head as he surveys Remus up and down.
“Sorry I missed dinner.” He frowns, wanting desperately to follow it up with some sort of excuse—that he wasn’t hungry or didn’t feel well—but finding himself unable to do so with the lingering effects of the potion.
“I know you’ve been avoiding me. Everyone knows.” Sirius crosses the room and motions to the sill besides Remus. “Can I join you, or do you want to be alone?”
“I want to be alone, but you can join me,” Remus says and rubs the back of his neck, uncomfortable by his own admission. After a moment, he takes the pasties from Sirius’s outstretched hand and sets the napkin in his lap. “Thanks for the food. I’m actually quite hungry.” As if for show, his stomach growls.
Sirius laughs, and his hand sits on top of Remus’s shoulder. Remus’s breath hitches, aware of the weight of Sirius’s hand against him. His eyes shut, and he swallows thickly, trying to compose himself.
“I thought we didn’t do secrets.” When Remus opens his eyes again, Sirius is staring straight at him, any trace of a smile gone. His eyes search Remus’s as if looking for an explanation, and Remus’s heart races. His fingers tighten into fists, and he frowns as he feels the sweat on his palms.
“Only this one,” he says.
“And if I asked you what it was, and you weren’t being forced to tell the truth, would you tell me what’s been bothering you all day?”
“No.” When he sees the flicker of hurt, Remus opens his mouth to explain more, but he stumbles trying to find the right words and shuts it once more. “I’m scared of ruining things,” he says instead and unfurls his fingers before picking at the crust on the food in front of him.
“I have a theory.” Sirius’s eyes narrow, and his hand moved to Remus’s jaw, holding his head in place so that their eyes stay locked. “I’ll make one guess, and if I’m right, will you tell me.”
“Do I have a choice?”
“I wouldn’t leave you without one, Moony. If you’d prefer, I won’t guess at all. But if you let me guess, I need to know if I’m right.” Remus considers for a moment and then nods. Sirius waits to see if Remus has more to say and then continues. “Do you love me?”
A buzzing starts in his ears, and although his whole body trembles, Remus nods again. “I love James and Peter too,” he says, and Sirius smiles, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“You always were clever at talking your way out of things.” Sirius’s hand drops, but his gaze doesn’t. “Are you in love with me?”
His mind rushes. There is no hiding from the truth now—Remus knows. The buzzing in his head swells, and his eyes start to burn as he nods one last time. He’s never had good control over certain reactions, but sitting in front of Sirius makes him feel exposed and raw. Remus bites the inside of his cheek, and the flash of pain does its job to ground him in reality again.
“I really don’t know what to do with you sometimes,” Sirius says, and Remus’s face flushes.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks.
“It’s not a secret. I know you love me. James knows. Hell, I think even Peter does.”
The room stills. “What do you mean?”
“For a while, I wondered if you were waiting on something in particular to tell me.” Remus’s throat closes. A wave of shame runs over him at the thought of Peter seeing through him; he had been so sure that he had hidden it well. His gaze drops to the food, and his hunger dissipates.
“I see.”
“Then I wondered if I’d misunderstood.” When Remus says nothing he continues. “Would it change anything to know that you’re not the only one who feels that way?”
The buzzing stops, and for the first time, Remus is aware of how quiet it is in the Astronomy Tower. Up here, away from the chirping of the crickets, there is nothing but stillness, and against it, the sound of his breathing fills the room. Remus braces himself and quashes the bubble of hope before it can blossom into something bigger. Then, he looks up.
“Oh.”
Sirius’s eyes are soft and warm, leaving no room for interpretation to bend the truth around. “You idiot,” Sirius murmurs, and he bends down, closing the gap until their lips touch.
Sirius’s touch is light at first, nothing more than a graze of the lips—a question. But a thrill rides through Remus, and he reaches up, fingers tightening around Sirius’s robes until he’s holding on for life, terrified to let go. He parts his lips and deepens the kiss, whimpering when Sirius’s tongue darts out and runs over his lips, easing them further.
Before he can settle, there’s a light thud, and Sirius pulls back. Remus falls forward at the suddenness of the empty space in front of him. It takes him a moment to realize that his food has fallen to the floor. Yet when he lurches to pick it up, Sirius’s hand settles on his chest, and gently, he stops him.
It is painfully clear that Azkaban has taken its toll– he is little more than a skeleton beneath the prison rags, his hair a filthy mess and his eyes bruised and sunken. When he opens them, though, they are the same piercing grey Remus remembers, sharp and alert.
‘Are you going to kill me, Remus?’ he croaks. ‘I won’t blame you… I’d deserve it.’
‘Not yet,’ Remus answers mildly, wand-point trained on his former friend’s chest. ‘I want you to tell me the truth first, Black.’ The surname feels wrong on his tongue, and he pointedly ignores the way Sirius flinches at the harsh sound of it. ‘Why did you do it?’
‘…I didn’t trust you. I was a fool, and I didn’t… I thought he’d keep them safe.’
‘You thought Vol– we knew he wanted them dead, Sirius! Why the fuck would you think–’
‘Wormtail,’ says Sirius. ‘Not… it was Wormtail; he was supposed to…’ His face twists in disgust. ‘I trusted the Rat.’
‘You killed Peter.’
‘I wish I had,’ Sirius spits. ‘Then he wouldn’t be able to…’ His expression shifts to something desperate, panicked. ‘…Harry, is Harry safe?’
To his shame, Remus doesn’t know where Harry is, hasn’t had any word of him since Dumbledore insisted that of course he was safe, but it was better for everyone involved if no one else knew where to find him. ‘He is– not that it’s anything to you, after you tried to have him killed.’
‘What– no, no, Moony; I’d never hurt him; I couldn’t– should have done it myself, but I had to try to be clever, and it was a mistake and it’s my fault but I didn’t, didn’t want, thought they’d be safer if–’
A cold sort of certainty washes over Remus, and he stumbles back, catches himself against the wall. ‘You switched,’ he whispers, and knows he’s right as soon as the words leave his lips. ‘You weren’t– they made Peter the secret-keeper. It wasn’t you.’
Sirius shakes his head, hair hanging in his face. ‘My idea. My fault.’
‘No,’ Remus says, more firmly. He reaches out and grasps Sirius by the hand, pulls him to his feet. ‘You weren’t the one who betrayed them, Padfoot– you only wanted them to be safe.’
‘But I betrayed you,’ he whispers. ‘I thought you were the one who…’
‘And I spent years thinking you were guilty, Sirius,’ Remus replies quietly. ‘If you can forgive me for that, for taking so long to do anything about it… that’s all I could ask for.’
Sirius gives a dry cracked sob in response, and Remus pulls him in close– careful to give him ample opportunity to pull back if he wants to, but Sirius leans into the embrace, holds on like he’s drowning and Remus is his lifeline.
‘We’re okay, Pads,’ Remus murmurs, rubbing slow comforting circles across his back. ‘We’re going to be okay.’
My contribution to the @swottypotter comfort minifest. did we all write about the prank? i hate the prank. ugh.
The moon was waxing, and Remus was already very tired. Friday would be a full moon. The first full moon of his last year at Hogwarts.
It was a shame the penumbral lunar eclipse wouldn’t be visible this time. Remus loved an eclipse because as the moon was obscured, he could feel himself waking up inside the wolf, which was fun. During an eclipse, he had little moments that were his own, when he could fully appreciate his friends, and their forest adventures.
He wondered what a total eclipse would feel like. When the moon was totally obscured, would it be what he imagined being an Animagus felt like? Total eclipses were rare, and even rarer that they would be visible where he was. But now he wondered.
He hadn’t experienced too many total eclipses in his 17 years. Only ten.
There hadn’t been one since before The Prank.
What a stupid thing to call it, Remus thought.
It hadn’t been funny, or harmless. Whatever mischief Snape had wanted to cause wasn’t worth his death. James had stopped Snape from reaching the wolf. Sirius didn’t come, and neither did Peter.
It had been his first full moon alone in ages. The wolf had howled long and loud over that.
Sirius, who had never hidden from anything in his life, had hidden from Remus the entire day after his transformation. Remus had been hurt and disappointed when he woke up in the hospital wing to James sitting in the chair by his bed.
James had been furious.
“We’re sending you to Coventry,” James had hissed at Sirius when he slunk into the common room that night. He hadn’t even been at dinner.
Sirius, looking even further crestfallen, had watched James turn on his heel, and march up to the dormitory. For the rest of the school term, neither James nor Peter would speak to Sirius, or look at him, or even acknowledge his existence in any way. If they had known how deeply it cut him, they would never have done it. But Sirius bore his punishment stoically, falling back on the lessons he’d learned in early childhood to avoid further punishment at his mother’s hand.
Sirius had been slightly ecstatic when Remus, on the other hand, had been furious with him and told him so. They had it out over several nights in the dormitory alone together. James swore dust fell from the common room ceiling from all the magic and anger rolling off the pair of them overhead.
Sirius had been defensive and embarrassed, and hated himself for what he’d done. Remus had been torn between wanting to hold Sirius accountable for his actions, yet extending him the grace to be a person who was capable of learning from their cock-ups. Though, to be fair to himself, this was a pretty monumental cock-up.
“I’m sorry, Moony, I didn’t think—it’s just the Black coming out, the familial madness,” Sirius said, not daring to call it lunacy.
In their more tender moments after Sirius had confessed his feelings only weeks before, Sirius said it was the Black lunacy that drew him to Remus, to his Moony.
“Bollocks,” Remus said vehemently. “No Black would’ve exacted any kind of revenge in such a careless way. They’re all Slytherins—they’d never get caught. You’re lucky Dumbledore didn’t expel you.”
Sirius hummed thoughtfully. “That’s true. But this does fall under the heading of wanton destruction, at which the Blacks also excel. Seems I’ve done a lot of that, if James and Peter are anything to go by.”
“Well. They’ll come around.”
The Prank had taken place on June 1, the last full moon of the school year. The wolf had run alone all summer. Well. Not run—the shed was always unbearable after running free in the Forbidden Forest.
Sirius had written several plaintive letters to Remus over the summer. And Remus had answered them; curt at first. But as the summer wore on, Remus was better able to fill the pages. They wrote about it, because they had to.
I still don’t understand, Sirius. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. How can you love me, call me your friend, more than your friend, and betray me? And not just me, but the wolf as well? And for what? If it had worked, and Snape had been injured, or died, or turned…I could’ve been arrested. Or worse, Sirius.
What if I had been sent to Azkaban? What if I had been kissed? Or, what if the Ministry had decided to not even extend me that courtesy. What if the Ministry had decided to exterminate me?
It’s absurd, Sirius. I’ll never really believe you did it. It feels imaginary; like this was some half-hearted attempt to establish a secondary character’s motive in a children’s novel…it makes no sense. Believe me, I know, having read a lot of novels.
I’ll see you on the platform the day after tomorrow.
The train ride had been a bit frosty. Remus knew that Peter hadn’t responded to any of Sirius’s letters, but had written to James and Remus. Peter was excellent at holding a grudge.
Remus also knew that Sirius and James had reestablished their comradery after an impromptu fistfight in the back garden two nights after they got home. Their battle resulted in a black eye apiece, a broken pinky, a cracked metatarsal, and various bruises to their arms, backs and stomachs. Sirius even had a bite on his tricep.
Fleamont had broken it up, whisked them into the greenhouse, and episkied them without comment. After a few silent moments—the boys looking and feeling foolish, and Fleamont’s eyebrows furrowed in consternation—he warned them against mentioning any of it to Euphemia. Luckily, she hadn’t seen any of it, having gone into the living room before the fight broke out.
“…unless you wanted an hours-long lecture on the immorality of violence as a problem-solving technique,” Fleamont had said, eyebrows still drawn together. “Though it might do you some good to hear it.”
James and Sirius had also established an armed neutrality regarding Snape: James was determined that they should ignore Snape this year, no matter what he did.
Sirius had agreed because he loved his friends more than he hated Snape.
Sirius still looked slightly ashamed as they met Remus on the platform. But Remus had smiled, and had been kind during their train ride. They had shared snacks from the trolley and talked about their upcoming NEWTS, and placed their annuals bets on the question of Lily going out with James.
Remus had held Sirius’s hand as they sat in the horseless carriage together, and Sirius’s usually ramrod straight posture wilted with relief; he might have cried, if it had not been for James and Peter’s presence.
The welcome feast was delicious as usual. Remus caught Lily looking sideways at James a few times, and felt good about his odds of winning the pot.
They had unpacked after, and spent time together in the common room. Sirius had managed to get a weak laugh out of Peter. At midnight, when James and Peter were snoring, Sirius parted Remus’s bed curtains.
“Come on, then,” Remus scooted over to let Sirius in. Sirius needed the comfort and the absolution of Remus’s arms.
As was their custom, Sirius still whispered “Good night, I love you,” and now added that he was so very sorry. Remus wished he didn’t have to add the second part, but he did.
“I love you, too,” Remus said.
Then Sirius cried, smothering his sobs with the pillow, and with Remus’s mouth as he kissed him. Sirius apologized over and over. And Remus, who loved Sirius more than he had ever loved anyone, cried, too, and caressed Sirius’s hair, and they kissed so gently over and over.
“This year will have to be different,” Remus whispered between kisses. “You can’t just say that you’re sorry. You’ll have to live it, too. It’s time to grow up, dauphin.”
Sirius could only nod desperately, as he took off their clothes because he needed the warmth of Remus’s skin. He fell asleep under Remus’s arm, with his face pressed to Remus’s rib cage, his fingers curled over Remus’s hipbone, his leg hooked over Remus’s legs.
The next morning, Sirius sent Snape to Coventry, and found that life was more relaxed and enjoyable when Severus Snape didn’t exist. Sirius began to accompany Remus to the library for homework, and had even remained awake during Arithmancy lectures.
Soon, their first full moon rose, and Remus was more himself than the wolf for a short during the penumbral lunar eclipse.
If Remus had brooded over the summer, the wolf had not. The minute the wolf emerged fully and sensed its companions, it headed to the usual play spots in the Forbidden Forest, choosing to run to the dell furthest away. The wolf was happy.
The transformation had been more mild than usual because of the eclipse and when Remus awoke, Sirius was tucked under his arm in the hospital wing bed, which Sirius had charmed larger to accommodate himself. Madame Pomphrey had stopped fighting that battle in their 5th year.
“Morning. Feeling all right?” Sirius asked.
“Yes, just fine,” Remus said, leaning into Sirius’s hand that gently touching his curls.
Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest (Day 1: 09.19.20 - An Anniversary)
Sirius knows Remus frets over giving back as much as he gets and comes up with a ridiculous way to try and combat against it. They’re wizards too, so they’re gonna live for over a hundred years, don’t fight me on this —-
This is for @swottypotter ‘s #wolfstarcomfortminifest / #10daysofhealing …! Thank you for giving us a chance to have some comfort and love and healing uwu
The diamond was courtesy of LionsTigersnDice’s material on CSP… because I tried for hours to draw a diamond and it ended up looking like something someone threw up into Minecraft. Also catch me googling traditional anniversary gifts for all years and trying to figure out what I want to do with that idea because I KNEW there was something there….
