The 15 types of people you meet working in a photo printing lab.
I’ve just had my 1 year anniversary working in a high volume photo lab, and over the last year I’ve observed a few different groups that people fall into when coming into print.
1 - The Professional Photographer. (Not really)
This is the person you get in who will ask you all sorts of questions about when your machine was last cleaned, what type of liquid it was cleaned with, how far through your roll of paper you are and all other sorts of questions that they think sounds good to them- the only problem being when you give a reply to any of said questions they reply with a “Oh, okay” see a situation below;
“Hi, I need to print some photos, when was your machine last cleaned?”
“Cleaned? As in calibrated or maintenance?”
“Did you need me to do an emulsion on the paper?”
At this point they look lost, and usually go, “No I trust you”
2 - The Actual Professional Photographer
These are the people that will come in with an undetermined amount of photos on a USB with a crudely written order on an envelope, hand it to you and walk out. They will then pick up the photos in a few days with no questions of cleaning the machine. As time goes by, it becomes a game where you gotta’ catch that envelope before it hits you in the face.
3 - The Technically Handicapped.
My favourite. There is no escaping the Technically challenged, as your kiosks that people use creep ever toward complete instability with features packed into 10 year old machines running a basic version of Windows XP- the learning curve to use them is relative to climbing Mt. Everest. You will spend a good 15 to 20 minutes explaining the various way to connect each device and god forbid they bring in a device older than the last 10 years because it is not going to work.
After you’ve spent a good portion of your time with them and they assure you “I’m fine now thanks!” the MOMENT you walk away, they summon you back as if the machine bit their hand and they’re scared of it, repeating yourself again and again. But when they finally get it, when they finally understand what you’re explaining, you’ve never felt prouder.
This is the one person you have every now and then who will wait, no matter how long a time you give them for their prints, staring at you the entire time. They will usually lean somewhere near by with their arms crossed penetrating your skull with their persistent stare as if doing so will make the machine uncomfortable and print their order quicker, pro tip- it doesn’t, it just makes us feel really creeped out and awkward.
Ever wanted to know what Rosemary and Julie are doing tomorrow? No? Well you better because you’re gonna find out. Typically people of the older demographic, they will encourage you to sit with them and tell you the story behind every photo they want to print, often zooming in and laughing while patting your knee about this one time when Anne and Rodger were playing lawn bowls and they stayed up past 7pm drinking coffee and doing all other sorts of adrenaline inducing things.
When you walk away from the Life Story, everyone else in the area gets to join in too, because Life Story will keep yelling to you whenever they find a new photo they want to talk about, no matter how far away you may be.
But it doesn’t end there- once they have the photos in their hands, they go back through every. Single. Photo. Buckle in, you’re going to be there for a while.
The Chatterbox is a completely different creature from the Life Story- The Chatterbox will tell you about why they’re printing the photos, who they’re for, what they’re doing for lunch and who they’re seeing, and what plans they have for dinner, and for dinner the next night, possibly next week, too. They will tell you about the vacation they’re talking in a year, and what they’re wearing and that they’re seeing John from high school who looked really handsome at the reunion and that maybe love can be kindled now he’s lost all his puppy fat and acne.
Chatterboxes are also the ones who will typically call you “babe” if they’re female and treat you like a girlfriend they catch up with every Tuesday for coffee, this is almost always a woman.
From the huffing to the “Are you serious it’s going to be 10 minutes?” To the foot tapping. The Impatient person is the one you can’t help but wonder why they’re always in such a hurry whenever they come to print photos- especially because they’ve done it before, and it took the exact same amount of time.
These are also the people that will storm out of the store in a flurry of hairspray and fake tan when they do get their photos, only to come back days later equally as rushed and impatient. It doesn’t matter what you say or how nice you are to Mr or Ms Impatient, they seem to get more irritated, if possible, to the point where they snap to look at you as if you just let your dog take a pee on their carpets.
Mr or Ms Indecisive usually team up with the Technically Handicapped to make everything a whole bunch more fun. After you’ve explained everything they will be up and down from their seats so many times they wear a path in the flooring. Deciding between frames, sizes, finishes, it all seems too much, as if we’re torturing them with choices.
These are the most common people to, who after completing an order, will come back 10 minutes into their 15 minute wait and say “WAIT! I’ve changed my mind, you haven’t processed that through yet, have you?”
“No... That’s fine... Just redo it” -throws 200 photos they don’t want in the bin-
Sometimes comments over 2 cents are funny but oftentimes the Scrooge will make you feel like you’re stealing his or her family’s groceries for a whole year. Australia has rounded up and down for my entire lifetime, so if after a good 20 years you feel like I’m robbing you because the total came to $3.43 cents and you’re paying cash so it comes to $3.45- that’s not my fault!
These people will also ask for a discount on everything. I mean, everything. If they’re buying something on promotion and it’s 99% off you bet they’ll ask for that extra 1% and give you a god awful look when you politely say “No.”
This person will be waiting outside of the store before you open and almost sprint and do parkour to get to one of 10-15 free machines to start processing their order, despite being they only ones there that early in the morning.
You will go on breaks, have lunch and start to close the registers, when you look up from your haze of halogen tubes and white walls- there they are. Still tapping away at the screen, hypnotised, unable to move. And when you inform them that you’re closing soon they look at their watch with upmost disgust “I’m nearly done! You usually close at (Insert some time no stores are open until ever here) and no one told me!”
When you apologise, this does nothing to the Move In, you will even maybe make a joke about getting them a tent overnight when you quickly cringe away at the look of hope in their eyes.
Ever wondered what 70 year old Gary’s downstairs looked like? Now you know! The Nudist is usually only discovered upon printing- when out of the corner of you eye something white assaults your vision on the printing belt, and there they are. Blindingly bright genitals in all sorts of different lighting conditions, some are even, maybe, possibly artistic. You quickly manoeuvre your body to protect the innocent eyes of other people walking by and become unnaturally agile in contortion, using your face as a shield while you admire Janes’ close shave.
The Nudist will collect their order without blinking an eye as if you haven’t just seen their wrinkle flowers or skin hoses, oftentimes they will give you a big smile and say “Thanks! You have a great day” as if they’ve given you a gift. You never, ever get used to seeing someones genitals, from the outside or the inside.
This person will hoard their photos ALL YEAR until you have a special that makes your photos 1c cheaper than normal and BAM- they smack you in the face with a 7000 photo order- but it doesn’t end there oh no- they will be back with a crazed look in their eyes, printing off anywhere from 1-5 thousand photos over the next however many days the promotion runs for. This will be every single 32-64gb memory card they can find with any amount of photos, almost like the “Select all” button is a sugar hit and they’ve been detoxing for the last century. It doesn’t matter if they’re in focus- hell it doesn’t matter if it’s even a photo, just printing a black sheet will suffice for the Bulk Order.
And when you drag your withered body from the floor to give them their completed order in industrial sized bags, you might ask them, “What are you going to do with so many photos?” you might even laugh, maybe in exhaustion.
The answer. Is always. “I don’t know.”
This person will gawk in amazement when they see they get to use a computer to chose their photos, that they can see these strange images that appear when they press a button on their cameras. When they pay for their order they will watch the machine stacking photos neatly in the sorter, then moving to make room for more- all the wonders of the universe are aligning in their eyes, and they are in utopia.
If you need to do a paper change in the dark box, they might ask you what you’re doing, and while you’re trying to explain what you hands are doing you can’t really word it right, because hell, you don’t even know what you’re doing, it’s become a second nature by now and you’ve never seen it with the box undone.
Curious George will want to know absolutely everything, “What chemicals does it use? How much water does it need? Why does it need waste? What!-it uses silver in the processing! Oh my god this thing prints money!”
“Last of the big spenders” is the most hilarious joke i have ever heard. Ever. never heard it before, and you saying it is roll on the floor funny.
The Joker will come up with every one liner in the history of one liners ever, and you bet they will say the same thing every time they do an order no matter how often they come in. And you will always laugh, it might even seem weird if they don’t say it, a little unsettling, and then you will say it, and your entire conscience will die a little inside, but you just gotta say it, it isn’t the same otherwise.
15 - The Much Loved Regular
This person is your holy grail, your light of lights, the most amazing, perfect and loving person in all of history. If this person was running for Prime Minister you’d get their face printed on a t-shit to go support them with bells on, literally.
This is the person, who can embody ANY of the other 14 types, and you adore them, because over time, they’ve grown on you and you love seeing them, you want to know about how Anne and Rodger are, or if John is treating them well, you will always make an extra amount of time in your day, even if it’s on your breaks, just to see how they are.
You know this person on a first name basis, they might bring you a token of appreciation at christmas times or maybe they’ve stalked your Facebook and found out your birthday just to wish you well- but that’s perfectly ok because you feel sad if you don’t see them, and if they haven’t been in for a while you start to worry- you might even give them a hug!
Working where I do, I wouldn’t have it any other way. These people become your extended, bizarre family from all walks of life. You start to learn their habits and know if they need a hand just by one little frown in their eyebrows. And oftentimes even if you’re sick as a dog or really feel down, you go to work each day, just to see how your family are doing, and if they are ok. And I love it.
*None of the names used are related to any actual people I know or have dealt with.
