My retirement press conference was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It wasn’t pretty; I choked up and cried, but what made it doable was the support that I had there: my Mom, Will, Ryan, the rest of my teammates, Pam’s dad and Pam.
She’d done exactly what she’d said she would do. She‘d stayed by my side through the weeks since my injury and I owed a lot of why I was able to do the press conference and start down the road to recovery and acceptance, to her. And it was one reason why I was anxious to finally go out with her; because it meant I could reveal how I’d made it through everything.
The sound of an alert from my phone told me that the car had arrived and I turned to call up the stairs again but stopped when I caught sight of her coming down them. She had on a short, tight, black dress, stiletto heels and her hair was styled like it was the night she’d gone out with Paisley, all those months ago at her parents’ house.
“Jesus Christ, Pam.” I whispered as she glided over to me. “You look absolutely. . .” I couldn’t find the right word. Even gorgeous wouldn’t have done her credit. She didn’t seem to mind me getting tongue tied though, and smiled as she took the hand that I offered her.
“Should we go?” She motioned to the door with her head. I caught a glimpse of her twinkling eyes before they disappeared from her smile and I couldn’t resist leaning down to give her a kiss.
“Or we could stay. . .” I breathed against her lips, half serious and half kidding. She playfully smacked my arm and I scrunched up my face, pretending that it hurt. It made her laugh and I grabbed her hand again as we headed towards the elevator.
What a year already--I've been so busy that I haven't made time to write here again, and I'm sorry for that! Where was I... oh yes! After my first riding lesson ever, I headed home for a quick shower and change of clothes before driving down to the big city for Ballet For Every Body. (Disclaimer: I'm still counting this as new because I honestly don't remember anything from the month of ballet class when I was five years old. That was over 25 years ago!) I wasn’t quite sure what to expect as an inexperienced adult in a dance class, but it’s 2017 and I’m taking Rumi’s advice that if I want to do something, to give my whole heart to it.
I wasn't actually planning to take this class until about a week before it started! My friend M was friendly with the instructor, and posted on Facebook that it was in danger of being cancelled due to low enrollment. I'd thought it was interesting but inconveniently scheduled for me, but when M said she wanted to take it as her first class at that studio, I was on board. I'd taken several conditioning classes at the studio last year, and absolutely love it there, so I was pretty pleased to hear that M was willing to try a class, and wanted to cheer her on. I'd also just come up with the idea for this blog and figured, "Why not?" At worst I try something new for eight weeks, it kicks my ass in a not fun way, and I don't sign up again. The good news is that is not the case!
I picked M up and we arrived at the studio early so she could do waiver paperwork and get acclimated. As usual, the all-classes warmup kicked my ass, but that didn't surprise me as it was led by my conditioning class intructor. After we waved goodbye to the students in other classes, M, seven other people, and I went to the barre area to meet our instructor, J. They welcomed us all to the class, which was now fully registered plus a drop-in student that night, and asked each of us for our names and pronouns, checked whether we had any injuries or other physical issues, and whether it was okay to touch us to make corrections. This is actually standard for the studio and one of the things I really love about it there!
Aside: This was also the first time that I have given my pronouns as 'she or they' which felt immensely liberating and comfortable, and was pretty much the reason my genderqueer ass procrastinated on writing this post for a couple weeks because I wasn't sure how to say as much in text, but fuck it, I've IDed this way since the early/mid 2000s back when I was on LiveJournal and first found a word that fit how I feel. I present fairly feminine because I can't be arsed to care that much about how I look; I'm much more concerned with physical comfort and not having to spend any more time than absolutely necessary dealing with the complexities of clothing fit while short and fat. It's been awkward and uncomfortable to be presumed to be a representative of 'women in STEM fields' while in college and my early career because, well, I'm not...but I digress.
Anyway, I had to laugh and say, "Warn me if you're going to touch my feet because I'm ticklish!" I really don't want to kick J, they're so nice! J started us off by having us use lacrosse, tennis, and/or golf balls to massage our feet and legs prior to barre work. They walked us through basic ballet positions and introduced several new terms in French for the movements we were doing. There were honestly a fair number of new words, and I don't remember all of them even after three class sessions at this point, but most of what we focused on was body movement and relative positioning. I found the foot positions fairly easy but struggle a little with arms. And putting movements of feet together with movements of arms? Hoo boy, that's hard. I think after a few more classes that'll get easier as it becomes muscle memory, but I'm not quite there yet!
We start with massage, positions, and simple movements every class. I have had several moments of gratitude for my conditioning instructor’s refrain of, “Point your toes! From your quads!” which is great for circus classes in general but especially for ballet! So far J has introduced a couple of new moves each week, and reinforced previously learned ones. Other than a tendency to tuck my head forward to look at the mirror, I think I've been doing pretty well. Last week I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my super-strong calves are great for ballet. I'm below average in height for AFAB people, so I regularly stand on tiptoe to reach things, and that apparently makes for strong calves and a solidly high relevé. This week I managed to do a piqué turn in spite of J's warning that we probably wouldn't be able to on the first day. I feel like I'm actually making solid progress each week, and I look forward to the next class. Honestly, I sort of wish it were twice a week! M and I have also made some new friends in this class. I can't wait for next Monday!
Noticing and being able to label your feelings, emotions, “gut-level” instincts or reactions; being able to connect these to their source; recognizing their effects on your mind and your body; using your feelings as a valuable source of insight and information about yourself, others and the situations around you
People with this competence
Know which emotions they are feeling and why
Realize, in the moment, the links between their feelings and what they think, do and say
Recognize how their feelings affect their performance
Are able to articulate their feelings and appropriately express them
Can tell when they are getting upset
People lacking this competence
May receive messages from their bodies such as chronic headaches, lower back pain, neck or shoulder pain, heart racing, sweaty palms, anxiety attacks or other signals
Generally don’t pay attention to these signals or connect them to what might be causing these physical symptoms
Fail to gain insight and information from what their bodies might be trying to tell them
Get irritated, frustrated or angry easily, causing them to treat people in an abrasive way
Fail to see that what they are doing or being asked to do might not be aligned with their personal goals and values
Often feel stressed and out of balance in terms of their work life, health and family
