#2:38am

[ajyal-azez]

تزداد حدّة سكون المرء في لياليّ الفجر.

[the-things-i-wish-i-could-say]

I’m a week away from my 20th birthday, that doesn’t feel real. There have been so many times where I thought I wouldn’t make it even this far, many times where I didn’t want to make it. And I’m worried that this feeling of being stuck as a 17 year old won’t go away, that I’ll never feel like a real adult or a real, whole person. I know I’m only supposed to be figuring out who I am, but I can’t help but feel like everyone else my age is a step or three ahead.

It feels like when I was fighting for my life inside my own head, everyone else was growing up, having experiences, dating people, going and making friends, just living life. And I know I’m not the first or only person to ever feel like this and this is very “woe is the 20 year old who doesn’t wanna grow up”, but I’ve felt this for years, like everyone else is just passing me by, as if I’m stuck behind glass at a museum. Everyone else has moved on but I’m stuck.

And there could be so many reasons, the pandemic crashing upon us right around when I turned 17, halting my life and the world with it, but time marched on, and now three years later, the pandemic has been called off, it’s over, everything goes back to normal speed, everyone except for me. All I do is sit and watch others lives happen through a tiny screen in my hand all because I’m too scared to go find some for myself.

Or maybe it’s because I don’t believe I deserve it, or that I don’t think life’s joys and experiences should be wasted on someone like me, who is too caught up in their own head and self pity to appreciate the gift that life is.

When I was younger I couldn’t wait to be a teenager, it always seemed like the most fun time of your life. Now having lived those seven years, they weren’t what I imagined, but as someone who is leaving them very soon, I agree with my younger self, I would give anything to be a teenager, to not have to grow up, to be able to make mistakes and have the chance to learn from them. I want a do-over teenage life, I want to do the things I dreamed of and be the person I wished I was, because while next Saturday will simply be the end of a chapter and the start of the next one, I can’t help but feel I’m saying goodbye, and I’ve always been terrible with goodbyes.

[danzai]

quick game: where you live and what time is rn?

[qasian-tech-support]

I have this ongoing joke with some of my irl friends that I’m unknowingly an anime character.

Reasons:

•half Asian (phillipino to be specific)

•hair very different from anyone at my school

•large hair

•sometimes I overreact, other times I’m chill enough to freeze the ocean

•Had a way that I wanted this post to go but I already forgot.

•puns

•extremely awkward

•glasses nerd archetype

•sneezing when alone causes paranoia and I think someone’s talking about me

[un-invierno-eterno]

“Si no te apartas lo suficiente de mí, entonces prometo que haré hasta lo imposible para que llegues a odiarme y así aprendas a mantener la distancia.”

Parte II: "Aprendiendo a odiar al idiota".

Prohibido enamorarse de Adam Walker.

(Libro)

[string-of-ideas]

I refuse to believe in anything short of fate. And I refuse to believe that that fate isn’t us.

It should be us.

[ajyal-azez]

أشعرُ به حيّنما يخلل أصابعه على شعري ويقتربُ حتى يصل لأنفاسي، يهمس في أُذني ويقبل خدي وبذراعه يشدني نحوه.. ويبني سوراً آمنً بيننا وهالة تضيئ المكان من لمسه يده حتى يخضر به الفؤاد ويدفء.

[itsmaria067]

Hi Tumblurt I missed uuuuu