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Fic: Just Want to Get You Alone

Summary: Dan and Phil go to the YouTuber Halloween Gathering on October 31, 2009, then get some time alone afterward. It's sweet and awkward and romantic and fluffy and a little sexy. Word Count: 7K (way longer than planned!) Rating: Mature Tags: 2009 Phan, Awkwardness, Developing Relationship, YouTube Halloween Gathering, Romance, Fluff, Hesitant Sexy Times Author’s Note: This is a stand-alone fic in my “Creeper” universe, immediately following “Skype 21/10/09″ This could probably be read alone as a one-shot, but you’ll get more out of it if you read the other stories first. Disclaimer: I know very little about the 2009 Halloween Gathering except what I've learned from watching a few vlog compilations (including this one that focuses on Dan and Phil specifically), so this is mostly complete fabrication from my own brain. If you watch the vlogs, though, you'll notice that—unlike everyone else—Dan keeps nervously glancing at the people who are vlogging, so I ran with that.

[Chronological list of all fic posts in the Creeper series]

Just Want to Get You Alone

The train ride seems to last days and days, even longer than when he was on his way to Manchester to meet Phil for the first time, even though it’s actually a much shorter trip. Electricity fizzes through him every time he remembers that Phil is going to meet him at Paddington Station before they go to meet up with some other YouTubers for some kind of Halloween gathering.

Dan is nervous about two things: seeing Phil again and meeting a bunch of people who are actual YouTubers … because Dan uploaded his first video just about two weeks ago, so he really doesn’t feel like he has a right to join this particular party. But Phil just kept insisting that he belongs, just like he’d insisted that Dan’s videos were worth uploading in the first place. When Phil tells Dan he can do something, that he’s good enough to do something, that he’s important enough and talented enough and just … enough … Dan can’t help believing him, because Phil just has this way of talking to him that makes him feel safe and real and validated. It’s like Phil’s magic power.

And the reason he’s nervous about seeing Phil again is more about excitement … but also dread. Dread that maybe Phil will have changed his mind, will see Dan again and realize that Dan really isn’t that special, that last time was a fluke, that in person Dan is a complete fail and why would he want to have anything to do with a guy like that? Phil is so perfect … he could have anybody he wants … why would he want to spend any time at all with somebody like Dan? And Dan worries this will become only more obvious when Phil spends time with him while other people are around at the YouTube event. Dan isn’t comfortable in social situations like that, and he worries that he’s going to do something utterly moronic and make a complete fool of himself and Phil will never want to speak to him again.

So his stomach has been churning with nerves throughout the entire train ride. He hasn’t been able to focus on anything but nightmarish images of ways today could go horribly wrong, ways that he might completely humiliate himself and maybe embarrass Phil in front of his friends. He keeps imagining the look on Phil’s face as he backs away, trying to pretend that he doesn’t know Dan after Dan has done something particularly mortifying.

But then the train is pulling into the station, and Dan feels like he might actually throw up, but instead he grabs his bag and makes his way to the doors just as they open. He steps out onto the platform and freezes, looking around anxiously for Phil, until someone behind him pushes him out of the way and gets him walking again.

And then he sees him. Phil is standing near the ticket kiosk, looking around, but he hasn’t seen Dan yet. But then he does, and the smile that spreads across his face goes a long way toward soothing Dan’s nerves. Phil strides through the crowd and pulls Dan into a tight hug, leaning down to whisper in his ear, “I’ve missed you so much! I can’t believe you’re here!” Dan wraps his arms around him and just basks in the warmth and acceptance and sweetness that is Phil. But then Phil is pulling him by the hand and Dan is dizzied by the sudden change. The hugging was good … why did Phil stop the hugging?

Phil pulls him into a dimly lit corner behind the ticket kiosk and murmurs, “Don’t think too many people will see us back here,” and then Phil is kissing him, mouth wet and eager. Dan’s arms go around his neck and he returns the kiss with all the intensity that’s been building up in him through their marathon Skype calls over the past 10 days. He runs his hands down Phil’s back and then under his shirt to rest on the warm skin just above the waist of his jeans. When he starts to move his hands higher, stroking up across the bare skin of Phil’s back, Phil pulls away from the kiss, gasping. “You’re gonna get us arrested,” Phil jokes, but he’s breathing hard and fast just like Dan. They gaze into each other’s eyes for a long moment, and then Phil smiles the happiest little smile Dan has ever seen and says quietly, “Hi.”

Dan blushes. How is it that a word can feel almost more intimate than the kissing? But it’s like Phil is reminding him that this is them, reminding him of the intimacy bred from hours and hours of Skype calls, reminding him that this is more than just a semi-public make-out session. This is really real. This is Phil.

“Hi,” Dan replies, smiling and biting his lip.

Phil pulls away, grasping one of Dan’s hands as it slides from beneath his shirt, and he interweaves their fingers. He’s still looking at Dan, and he says softly, “Still prettier in person.” Dan ducks his head but can’t help smiling harder.

“Do we really have to go to this party thing? Couldn’t we just … rent a hotel room or something?” Dan asks, not entirely joking but trying to act like he is.

“I thought you were looking forward to meeting people,” Phil says, looking concerned.

Dan smirks and says, “Yeah, but I’m overwhelmed by the amazingness of Phil in person and just want to get you alone.”

Phil grins and presses a soft, brief kiss on Dan’s lips. “Tom said we can stay at his place tonight, and he has a proper guest room and everything.” Phil’s pale eyes sparkle with what Dan hopes is anticipation, because he himself is fairly vibrating with it. “Until then, though, we should probably take it easy with the…” and he gestures vaguely at their hands clasped together.

A stab of hurt strikes Dan unexpectedly. “You don’t want people to know we’re … together?”

Phil squeezes his hand reassuringly and says, “I just thought it might be better at first to let people get to know you for yourself, not just as AmazingPhil’s boyfriend.”

Dan raises an eyebrow. “Boyfriend?”

Phil blushes and looks away. “Well, what would you call it?”

Dan knows he’s blushing, too, when he says hesitantly, “I didn’t think you would want … I mean, I’m just so … why would you want to be with me?”

Phil frowns, and it’s an odd look on his face, like he doesn’t do it often. “Because I love you, you spork.” It’s the first time Dan’s heard him say it in person, though they started saying it over Skype a few days ago, and he steps forward to wrap his arms around Phil again, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder and then pressing a quick kiss to the side of his neck.

“I love you, too,” he says softly, but he isn’t brave enough to look Phil in the face when he says the words. He says them into Phil’s hair, instead. Phil pulls him closer and they just stand there in each other’s arms for a long moment.

“I think that station agent is getting ready to come over here,” Phil murmurs with a bit of laughter in his voice, and Dan raises his head to look around the station. Yup, a man in a uniform is eyeing them suspiciously. Dan chuckles. They step apart to leave a bit of space between them.

He looks Phil in the face again, trying not to get lost in those beautiful eyes, and says reluctantly, “I guess we should go to this Halloween thing, then, right?”

Phil nods. “It’ll be fun. You’ll see. Lots of people want to meet you!”

Dan cringes. “What do you mean they want to meet me?”

Phil smiles and says, “People have been watching your videos, you know. And some of them know you from Twitter, too.”

Dan puts his hands over his face. “Oh god. I hadn’t really thought about it.”

Phil pulls Dan’s hands down and holds them gently in his own. “It’ll be fine. They’re nice people! You’re going to have fun, I promise.”

Dan nods dubiously, dread rising in him again. He’d been looking forward to meeting people he’d been talking to on Twitter, but the reality of it feels much more daunting than when it was just an idea in his head. The images of all the ways he could make an idiot of himself start running through his head again. Plus, some of these people have seen his videos, and he hates to think how they might judge his work. He’s tried really hard, but he’s only made three videos so far, and he knows they aren’t great. He probably wouldn’t have uploaded them at all if Phil hadn’t insisted repeatedly that they were ready.

Phil squeezes his hands reassuringly and then lets them go, pressing a hand to Dan’s back as they begin to walk toward the exit.

Dan’s been to London before, but he doesn’t know the city well, so he mostly just follows Phil like a lost puppy. They walk down crowded streets and up and down stairs and escalators and through crowded Tube stations. They take a couple different trains, and then Phil proclaims happily, “We’re here!” He ushers Dan up the stairs from the Tube station and they walk a short distance to a grassy park where clumps of young people are standing around here and there, talking. Some of them seem very animated. One guy is doing something with a fuzzy purple puppet.

“Phil!” someone shouts, and then a young woman with a blue streak in her hair is running over to hug Phil excitedly. “Yay!” she enthuses. “I haven’t seen you in forever!” Phil introduces her to Dan, but Dan immediately forgets her name, which always happens when he’s nervous. She tells Dan the name of her YouTube channel, but it isn’t one he’s familiar with. He just smiles and nods and hopes he doesn’t look like too much of a dork. It seems she hasn’t seen Dan’s videos, either, which is actually a relief.

They walk further into the park and Phil greets various people. Many of them seem to know him. He introduces Dan to everybody they talk to, and everybody seems very friendly. Some of them have seen his videos and tell him he’s really funny. He doesn’t know what to say to that and so just mumbles, “Thanks.” Mostly, he sticks to Phil’s side, talking mostly to him, and Phil is really nice about it. When they join conversations, Dan mostly just listens and laughs when it seems appropriate. He’s surprised by how young everybody looks, and by how much hugging is going on. His friends definitely don’t hug this much. Some of Phil’s friends even hug him when they’re introduced, which is a little weird, but whatever. Dan hugs them back, and it’s kind of nice. He feels like he’s a part of something here.

Quite a few people are walking around with video cameras, vlogging the event, and Dan really doesn’t like it. He hates how he looks on camera and can only tolerate making videos public because he can control everything about how he presents himself, editing out anything he doesn’t like. He hates to think of all these people having video footage of him that he will have no control over. He notices that no one else seems bothered, though. Most of them just ignore the video cameras, but some smile or wave or ham it up. Phil just seems to ignore them, so Dan tries to do the same. It’s hard, though. “Non-consensual filming,” he mutters to Phil when no one else is listening, and Phil puts a comforting hand on his arm. Totally platonic, folks. Nothing to see here.

After a couple of hours of this random milling around in the park, everyone just wandering from one conversation to another, the guy with the puppet raises his voice to try to get everyone’s attention. Apparently, the gathering is going to break up for a couple hours and reconvene at 4:30 for the evening’s costumed continuation. People start talking about going to get food, and the assumption seems to be that this will be a group endeavor. Phil shoots Dan a questioning look, and Dan tries to look more confident than he feels.

They end up walking with a bunch of people back to the Tube station with the intention of going someplace specific to meet up with some other people. Dan is extremely unclear on the details. He doesn’t remember the names of any of the people they’re with, but Phil seems happy enough, so Dan just stays close to him. He doesn’t think anyone will notice if he keeps brushing his arm against Phil’s or briefly touches his back occasionally, and it helps Dan feel less nervous.

Lunch is a noisy, chaotic affair, with so many outgoing people in one place, all trying to be heard. Dan makes quiet comments to Phil occasionally, but otherwise just tries not to be noticed. The guy sitting next to him on the other side tells Dan that he subscribed to his channel, and Dan ducks his head in embarrassment, muttering a thanks. “You’re hot,” the guy says with a grin, and Dan cringes. “You’re even hotter in person.” Dan mumbles something incoherent, not meeting the guy’s eyes, trying to look cool but absolutely certain that he is failing miserably. He has no idea what this guy’s name is—for all he knows, he could be one of the people who flirts with him on Twitter or Dailybooth. Dan smiles vaguely and turns away toward Phil.

“I think this guy is hitting on me,” he whispers close to Phil’s ear.

Phil leans to look around Dan and smiles at Flirty Guy. “Hey Jamie! I didn’t see you there!” Apparently, the guy’s name is Jamie. “How’s it going?” Phil and Jamie start talking about their recent videos and some new editing software, and Dan just sort of tunes out between them, smiling and nodding and acting like he knows what they’re talking about. He makes one comment when they’re talking about one of Phil’s videos, because that’s something he actually knows a bit about, but the rest of the time he keeps pretty quiet.

Then he notices that Flirty Jamie is still acting pretty flirty … only now it’s toward Phil. So apparently Jamie is just a manwhore. Dan’s vacant smile becomes more like a grimace, because there’s nothing he can do but sit here and listen to Jamie the Fucking Cock Slut pay Phil lavish compliments in a suggestive tone of voice. He wonders if everyone at the table can hear him grinding his teeth in jealousy and frustration. But then he feels Phil’s hand on his under the table, and he turns his hand over so that they can weave their fingers together, and Phil squeezes his hand and smiles at him, and suddenly Jamie doesn’t matter, because he knows Phil is his, even if no one else knows it. Phil looks back at Jamie again, listening to something the guy is saying, but Dan can see that his expression shows only polite interest, none of the warmth it shows whenever he looks at Dan.

Dan wonders if they’re fooling anybody.

After their late lunch—or early dinner, it’s a weird time to eat—some people don costumes, which doesn’t require much for most of them. Dan threw together a bear costume that’s mostly just a furry brown shirt, and Phil’s cat costume pretty much just consists of a pair of ears he puts on his head. Plus they draw appropriate markings on each other’s faces, of course, which reminds Dan of when they filmed their Q&A at Phil’s house that first weekend. He glances at Phil’s eyes and sees he’s remembering, too. Their smiles are small and private.

Their group’s raucous, haphazardly-costumed bouncing through the Underground draws some annoyed glances, especially as someone among them keeps blasting “The Monster Mash” over and over again. Dan tries to just enjoy the party atmosphere and Phil’s presence at his side. Phil looks really cute with the cat whiskers on his face, just like he did before, when they were alone at his house. Dan tries not to stare at him like a complete sap, but sees a similarly smitten expression on Phil’s face a couple times when their gazes meet.

Yeah, they’re probably not fooling anybody.

They get back to the park and it looks like more people have shown up than were here during the day. It’s not quite dark yet, but it will be soon. There are a lot of people with face paint on, enough that Dan completely gives up on trying to recognize any of the people he met earlier. He wouldn’t be able to remember their names, anyway. When every person you meet tells you not only their name but also their YouTube channel, it gives you twice as many names to remember and—at least in Dan’s case—zero chance that you’ll remember any of them. So he just decides to let it go and not worry about it. That isn’t exactly his forte, especially without the assistance of alcohol, but he’s trying.

Earlier in the day, the conversations in the park were fairly casual, but the gathering darkness seems to bring out the flirt in more people than just Jamie. Or maybe it’s just the slight anonymity afforded by costumes and face paint. At any rate, there’s even more touching going on now, and possibly some hooking up in the darker corners. A lot of people are vlogging again, so Dan steels himself for more non-consensual filming over which he’ll have no control.

He winds up sitting on a low wall with a couple of other people whose names he of course can’t remember. Phil is standing, facing them, with his fingers hooked into his front pockets and his hands twisted around in a way that looks really uncomfortable but is also just absolutely Phil. The other two people sitting on the wall start talking about how they’ve just started uni, and Dan gets pulled into their conversation when they learn that he’s taking a gap year.

Phil says, “I want to go say hi to somebody. Be right back, okay?” and what is Dan supposed to say to that? “Please don’t leave me”? So he just smiles and nods and tries to focus on whatever the girl beside him is saying about keeping in touch with friends back home. He’s a big boy—he doesn’t need Phil to babysit him.

Then some guy wearing black face paint sits on Dan’s lap. He doesn’t ask or anything, just sits down and turns to smile at Dan. “Danisnotonfire, right?” he asks. Dan nods, wondering if under the face paint is a person he met earlier in the day. “Yeah, I’ve seen your videos. I’d probably have a lot more subscribers if I looked like you.” It’s said without rancor, but still makes Dan uncomfortable. He’s used to people on Dailybooth saying things about how he looks, and he’s even started having fun with it, but he isn’t used to people being so blunt in real life. First Jamie, now this guy. And who just walks up and sits on someone’s lap like that? First all the hugging, now this. These people seem to have no sense of personal space.

A girl also wearing black face paint comes over and sits on the guy’s lap. So now Dan has two people sitting on him, one on top of the other. And the person next to him is pressed so close against his side that when a guy wearing scary clown face paint plops down on her lap, he’s half on top of Dan at the same time. It’s all feeling pretty claustrophobic, especially since he doesn’t actually know any of these people and all he really wanted today was to spend time with Phil, and now he doesn’t even know where Phil is. He looks around, but the park doesn’t really have many lights to speak of and he can’t see him anywhere.

The girl beside him continues prattling about uni, and he nods and pretends that he’s paying attention, when really he’s just trying to figure out some excuse to help him extricate himself from this physically and emotionally uncomfortable situation. Maybe a convincing lie? Maybe even an unconvincing one? Just … anything? Someone walks by with a video camera, vlogging with a bright light, and Dan glances at them awkwardly. Somebody’s going to have footage of him with weird people sitting on him while he’s dressed like a bear. Fantastic. When the vlogger lingers, keeping their camera pointed in Dan’s direction for what feels like ages, Dan does his weird winking thing that he does sometimes when he’s feeling uncomfortable. So now somebody’s going to have footage of him winking like a weirdo while dressed like a bear with people sitting on him. Yay.

Maybe someday he’ll make a video about his nervous winking tic. It could be funny, right? It doesn’t feel funny right now—he feels like a freak, and he feels abandoned—but he could probably write it to be funny.

He tunes out the uni girl and the people on his lap and starts sort of writing the video in his head. It’s calming.

“Having fun?” It’s Phil’s voice. Thank god! Dan practically shoves people off of him, smiling and laughing like it’s just a good joke, so he can stand and walk to Phil.

“Why did you leave me alone like that?” he hisses in Phil’s ear.

Phil looks taken aback. He touches Dan’s arm and pulls him away from the little group sitting on the wall. “You were talking with some people your own age. I figured … maybe you might like to make friends without … you know … some older guy hanging around.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Jesus, Phil! You’re not ‘some older guy’ … and I’d much rather talk to you than anybody else here.”

Phil shrugs one shoulder, looking down. “I didn’t want to be creepy … hanging around and watching you talk to kids your own age. I wanted to let you do your own thing.”

“If,” Dan enunciates quietly, “you were letting me ‘do my own thing,’ we’d be wearing a lot less clothes and there wouldn’t be so many other people around.” It’s a daring thing to say, but he’s feeling testy and it makes him brave.

Phil smirks a little, but then looks at him with concern. “So … you haven’t been having a good time?”

Dan sighs. “It was nice to meet people, but … it’s just a lot of people … and it’s been all day … and I’m kind of overwhelmed. I’d really rather be somewhere alone with you now.” He hates how small and vulnerable his voice sounds when he asks, “Can we do that?”

Phil nods. “Let me just talk to Tom. Maybe he can just give us the key to his place.”

Dan can feel his shoulders drop an inch or two in relief. They’re going to get out of here and go somewhere quiet and private, and he’ll finally be able to really relax for the first time in hours.

Then it occurs to him that he might finally have the opportunity to do some of the things they’ve been discussing on Skype, and then he’s not quite as relaxed anymore. But it’s a good kind of not-relaxed.

He’s very not-relaxed the whole way on the Tube to Phil’s friend’s place, excitement and nervousness thrumming through his veins in a complicated mixture. Phil isn’t talking much, and neither is Dan, and there’s a definite tension between them. He knows Phil is probably thinking about those Skype calls, just like he is, and wondering what’s going to happen when they get to that guest room.

Phil clears his throat as they unlock the door to the apartment. “Tom said he’s going out to the pub with some of the others when the party breaks up, so he won’t be home for a couple hours. He said to just leave the key under the mat.”

A couple hours. They have the place to themselves, with no one to hear them. Dan remembers how loud he was last time. He isn’t usually loud during sex, or at least he never was before, but he was pretty sure he had been with Phil that time on the sofa.

He wonders if Phil is loud.

He wonders if he’s going to find out tonight. He hopes he is. But he’s nervous, too.

Phil turns on the light in the living room and locks the door behind them, leaving the key for Tom as instructed. They stand, silent and hesitant, on the beige carpet of the entryway, and Dan looks down at his feet, not really able to make eye contact right now. It feels like they’re on the cusp of something.

Phil coughs, then shifts from one foot to the other. “Um … did you want to … uh … watch some tv or something? Or are you tired from today?” Dan glances up at him and sees that Phil looks nervous, too. It gives him a bit more courage.

“I’m not tired,” he says, meeting Phil’s eyes, “but I’m ready to go to bed.”

Phil’s eyes widen slightly and he nods, “Yeah. Sure. Of course. I mean … yeah.”

Dan giggles at Phil’s fumbling response. “It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before,” he points out. “Though I’d kind of like it if we … did more … this time.” He blushes and ducks his head.

Phil says, “Could I hug you right now? Because I’d feel a lot better if I could hug you right now. I’d be less nervous.”

Dan moves into his arms and rests his head against Phil’s shoulder as they hold each other. “Why are you nervous?” Dan asks, surprised.

“I don’t want to push you into anything. I’m afraid I’ll scare you off.” He sounds sad or frightened or something. Dan isn’t quite sure, but he doesn’t want Phil to sound like that.

He pulls back so he can see Phil’s beautiful blue eyes gazing earnestly at him and says, “You won’t scare me off. We’ll talk our way through it, just like we always do with other stuff. Okay?”

Phil nods, then hunches his shoulders a bit, looking embarrassed. “I’m sorry I kind of jumped on you at the train station. I was pretty excited to see you again.”

“Don’t apologize! I’m glad you jumped me. I wanted to jump you, too, but I was too nervous and probably would have chickened out. You don’t have to always wait for me to make the first move, you know.”

Dan glances around the apartment, then asks shyly, “So where is this infamous guest room?” Phil laughs and they walk together down a hallway to a room with an open door. Inside, there’s a queen-sized bed. There’s probably other stuff, too, but all Dan can see is the bed.

Phil takes his hand and asks gently, “What makes you nervous? Is it because I’m a guy?”

Dan thinks, then tries to explain. “Maybe, partly, yeah. But that isn’t the biggest part. I mean, I’ve never been with a guy, but I have had sex before … but it’s like … I thought I was in love with her … but this feels … I don’t know. I guess I’m wondering if I was really in love with her, you know? Because this is so much … more. So it feels … scarier. Like it matters more.” He squeezes Phil’s hand slightly, and Phil squeezes back.

“What do you want to do?” Phil asks, looking into his eyes. “What would make you less nervous?”

Dan isn’t sure. But he wants to try. “Maybe if we get in bed together and just talk for a while? Like on Skype?”

“Okay. Um … boxers?” Phil looks uncertain, and Dan wants this to be easier. He nods, and they close the bedroom door before they both awkwardly undress to their underwear and climb into the bed.

Dan turns toward Phil and sees his head lying on the pillow beside him, looking at him, just like when they were at his house. Dan’s imagined it so many times since then, and now Phil is really here. Phil asks, “What do you want to talk about?”

Dan’s brain decides to choose that moment to freeze. He wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what. His voice squeaks a little when he says, “Just … like we talk on Skype. About … everything.” He feels humiliated by his sudden failure of confidence.

Phil is quiet for a while, then says hesitantly, “Did you know … I usually wank after we get off Skype.” He chuckles a little. “Heh. I get off after we get off.” He looks a little embarrassed.

Dan feels better, hearing that, and admits, “I usually do, too. The stuff we talk about gets me pretty excited.” Then he gets up the nerve to say, “I’ve been really tempted to … you know … do that … while we were talking. But I felt too nervous.”

Phil closes his eyes for a moment, then meets Dan’s gaze with eyes that have gone dark and intense. “I’d like to do that sometime. I’d like to watch you while I touch myself.”

Groaning, Dan shifts closer to Phil and kisses him eagerly, pressing up against him and trying to show him how he’s feeling without words.

He pulls his mouth away just far enough to be able to speak against Phil’s lips. “Will you tell me … what you think about … when you do it?” A shiver of excitement runs through him.

Phil’s voice is low when he replies, “Sometimes I think about that morning on the sofa, and your face, and how you sounded. You were so sexy when you came.” He runs a hand along Dan’s arm, down to his hand, linking their fingers again. “And I think about making you come, about sucking you until you come in my mouth.” He glances up to meet Dan’s eyes again.

“Oh god…” Dan is trembling continuously now. He kisses Phil again, and Phil’s lips are hot and wet and Dan can’t help thinking about what he just said, imagining it. He really wants more than last time, but he isn’t sure how much he’s ready for.

“Would it be okay if I just … with my hand? Is it okay if I touch you?” He can hear the vulnerability in his own voice, and he hates it. He wants to be more confident about this, but at the same time he knows he’s safe with Phil, that Phil won’t laugh at him or reject him.

Phil reacts immediately, his voice a rough exhalation. “God yes! Anything you want, Dan.”

Pulling away slightly so that he can get his hand between them, Dan strokes a hand down Phil’s chest. They hadn’t really explored each other’s bodies very thoroughly last time, since Dan hadn’t felt ready to let hands get too involved yet. But now he’s enjoying the crisp feel of Phil’s chest hair and the smoothness of his skin. He doesn’t have abs of steel, which makes Dan feel better, because he doesn’t have a perfect body either.

He slowly strokes his hand further down and lightly runs his fingers over the bulge in Phil’s boxers. Phil makes a small noise in his throat and pushes into Dan’s hand a little bit, just a tiny thrust, and Dan smiles to himself at the positive reaction. He’s never touched anyone else’s dick before, but it isn’t that different from his own, so he can imagine how Phil is feeling.

“Want to … um … we could take our pants off, if you want,” he suggests nervously.

Phil looks at him, considering. “Is that what you want?”

Dan nods, blushing. “Yeah, I want to be able to feel you.”

They both struggle to remove their underwear beneath the covers, then toss them onto the floor. But maybe Dan isn’t quite ready for all of this to be quite so … visible … not quite yet. “Can we turn off the light?”

Phil nods and switches off the lamp beside the bed. “Whatever makes you comfortable. I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Dan’s a little tired of hearing Phil be so careful with him. He isn’t made of glass, and he isn’t going to break. So, yeah, he may be a little nervous, but he’s determined to work through it. He moves closer to Phil again under the blankets and reaches out a hand to rest on Phil’s hip, stroking along the line of it, feeling the bone and muscle. Then he slides his hand down and the back of his fingers touch Phil’s cock. It’s hard already, thank god. If Phil wasn’t excited by all this Dan would be mortified. He himself has been hard since they were on the fucking Tube, for god’s sake.

His hand is shaking as he wraps his fingers around Phil’s hard flesh, and he wills himself to calm the fuck down.

“You okay?” Phil rasps in the darkness. Dan just nods, assuming Phil will hear his head move against the pillow, and then his hand tightens, wringing a groan from Phil. He strokes slowly at first, the foreskin sliding smoothly as he goes. He’s getting used to the feel of Phil in his hand, noting the slight movements of his body in response to Dan touching various areas. He squeezes, and Phil’s cock bobs violently in his hand.

Dan’s breathing is a little unsteady when he says, “You can … you can touch me, too. If you want.”

Phil pants, “Oh, I want. I definitely want.”

And then Phil’s hand is on him, and it feels so much better than anything he did with anyone else before this, it feels like the best thing ever, and Dan is afraid he’s going to come far too quickly. He bites his lip and tries to relax, tries to slow his racing heart.

But then Phil shoots that all to hell by asking, “Would it be too much … I’d really like to suck you but I don’t want to freak you out…”

Dan isn’t freaked out, but he doesn’t really know what to say, because he’s always gotten the impression that wasn’t something people liked to do in real life, that it was more of a porn thing. “Um … I’ve never done that. My … she … didn’t want to. But … if you want to…”

“Yeah. I really really want to, Dan. If it doesn’t make you uncomfortable. I don’t want to push you into anything…” Phil sounds like he’s going to talk himself out of it if Dan doesn’t speak up quickly.

Dan hears his voice waver a bit as he says, “It … it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I mean, as long as you’re sure.”

Phil’s voice in the dark is low and gravelly when he responds, “I’ve been fantasizing about it for months.”

“Okay,” Dan says, and then feels Phil shift beneath the bedclothes. Phil’s hand finds him again and that feels just amazing, no pun intended, but then Phil shifts again and there is wet and heat and suction and Dan is gasping and moaning and there’s just no way he can control himself. Almost immediately, his whole body is tensing, every muscle tight as he tries to fight it off. But he knows he can’t. “I’m sorry,” he pants. “I can’t … I’m going to…” and then his eyes roll back in his head as his body arches off the bed and he is coming and coming, right into Phil’s mouth, and Phil is continuing to suck him through the whole thing, swallowing as if it isn’t gross at all, not like the girls at school said it was. Dan thinks maybe he’s shouting, but there’s a ringing in his ears so he isn’t sure. He just knows this is the best thing he’s ever felt in his entire life. As he begins to come down, Phil’s sucking becomes gentler, then stops altogether, though he continues to just hold Dan’s cock in his mouth for a moment before sliding off and moving through the bedclothes to reappear, and Dan’s eyes have adjusted to the darkness enough that he can see the shape of Phil’s head lying on the pillow beside him again.

“Okay?” Phil asks softly.

“Very okay,” Dan pants. “Very very okay.” It takes him a couple minutes to recover, but when he does he realizes that he should really return the favor. He left Phil high and dry last time, and he doesn’t want to do it again, but he isn’t sure he’s ready for … all that.

He feels young and inexperienced and embarrassed as he stammers, “I want to … I don’t know … but I’m not really ready to…”

“Just touch me again?” Phil pleads. “God, it isn’t going to take long.” He sounds desperate.

Dan leans in to kiss Phil again as he reaches down with his hand to grasp his straining cock. He tastes his own come in Phil’s mouth, but that’s okay, it doesn’t slow the passion of his lips and tongue as he makes love to Phil in the ways he feels comfortable with right now.

His hand beneath the bedclothes begins to move faster when he hears Phil’s breath speed up. He’s trying to read what Phil wants based on how he’s reacting, so he just does what feels good when he’s wanking himself and hopes that he’s not terrible at it. Phil seems to be enjoying it, if the sounds he’s making are any indication, and his cock is growing harder and thicker in Dan’s hand. He knows what that means, and speeds his movements, making sure to run his hand over the head at the top of each stroke. Phil is writhing now, his head tossing back and forth on the pillow, his soft moans becoming almost constant, and then he stiffens and goes completely silent, as if he’s holding his breath, and Dan feels Phil’s cock pulsing in his hand, feels the wetness on his fingers. He continues slowly stroking the shaft as it continues to pulse, not touching the head anymore since he knows he becomes too sensitive there once he’s come. Based on the enthusiasm of Phil’s reaction, he figures his extensive experience with wanking has finally become a useful life skill.

When Phil begins to soften in his hand, Dan gently lets him go, then holds his hand out awkwardly under the bedclothes, not sure what to do with his come-covered fingers. And Phil is probably covered in come, too, but he’s just lying there on his back, breathing heavily. Dan makes an executive decision and climbs out of the bed to try to locate his boxers on the floor. It’s a little difficult in the dark in a strange room, but eventually he finds them and uses them to wipe his hand, then climbs back into the bed and lifts the bedclothes to gently clean Phil’s belly and cock as well as he can without being able to see what he’s doing. Phil just lies there and lets him do it, twitching slightly when Dan wipes his cock. It makes Dan feel good to be the less passive one for once, taking care of Phil like Phil always takes care of him. When he’s done, he tosses the sticky boxers back onto the floor and cuddles up to Phil’s side.

“Was that … all right?” Dan asks, but he’s pretty sure he already knows the answer to that question. Phil seems utterly fucked out.

“Very very all right,” Phil replies breathlessly, then rolls to his side to face him and puts an arm around Dan, kissing him again, softer now, slower. He pulls away a bit and whispers, “I love you, you know.”

Dan snuggles into him and whispers back, “I know. I love you, too.” He presses a kiss to Phil’s chin on accident when he’d been aiming for his lips in the dark. But kissing Phil’s chin is okay, too. Kissing any part of Phil is good. His mind stutters over that, then starts moving again. Maybe eventually he’ll be ready to kiss other parts of Phil, but he’s glad that what they did tonight seems to have been enough to make Phil happy.

“I don’t deserve you,” he says on a breath, not certain if he wants Phil to hear or not.

Phil’s arm tightens around him, pulling him even closer. “You deserve to be happy. And if you’re happy with me, then I’m the luckiest guy in the entire universe.”

Dan closes his eyes and feels the warmth of Phil’s body against his, breathes in the smell of his skin, pays attention to the strength of his arm holding him close, and tries to store up this feeling for the days when they’re apart. He isn’t aware when he starts to slip toward sleep, but eventually he loses the battle and falls into a dreamless slumber.

Tomorrow will come, and they will have to take their separate trains to their homes that are so far from each other, but there will be Skype, and there will be November 6th. The train tickets are already sitting on Dan’s desk at home. In less than a week, he’ll be in Phil’s arms again. He’ll remind himself of that tomorrow when he tastes tears in their goodbye kisses.

Less than a week.

It might feel like forever, but it’s less than a week.

He can do this.

Author’s End Note: Don’t worry, I plan to write a ficlet about the glaring gap in this story (i.e., the first use of the “L word” over Skype between the last fic and this one).

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#2009 phanfic