i was hit today with memories of how that first time hanging out alone with your crush feels. the way your stomach twists and doesn't relax for hours and your heart is beating unhealthily fast and you can feel the drop in your gut every time they come close or say something that can be somehow interpreted as revealing.
i've always thought about dan and phil's first time meeting as giddy and emotional, but - i bet it wasn't all that. think of phil's heart beating faster and faster after dan texted him that his train arrived because he knows he's gonna see dan in a few seconds, but then what? it's like, they know each other, but they don't. it's that anxious feeling when you can't wait for something to finally fucking happen but you're also terrified of it happening.
and then their eyes meet and it's like. they can't run towards each other, because they've never even met. and what do they do with their hands? and suddenly phil forgets how to hug and his arms are all awkward and he's sweaty and they both mumble something idiotic because their brains stopped working, and he keeps thinking about how lame that hug was, fuck.
and the moment phil opens his front door, when they climb to his room. jesus. that really quick paced small talk because they're so fucking awkward and they had such a good day but oh god they're here and that's phil's bed right there and it can fit them both and like, okay, they joked about this, but. oh my god, they actually kissed. the bed suddenly seems very large and dan drops on it and lies back just to make it less of an intimidating, looming object.
and they're all giggly. dan probably made fun of phil for so many things and talked so fast because that's his ice breaking mechanism, like, "fuck i can't believe you sleep beneath buffy and is that a photo of you from year nine what is that hair and like phil you don't even have a real computer i cannot believe you' and phil shoves his hands backwards in his jeans and giggles some more and says a bunch of stupid shit because. god. that's dan and are they gonna touch now and he's so nervous he's gonna vomit.
does phil sit on the bed and kisses dan? nah mate, he drops on it full bodily and they kick around and shriek and they already kissed but it's still terrifying to kiss again (you're stupid like that, aren't you, in that first time) and so their mouths don't touch until they do, and dan thinks he might choke on his heart, it's so high up his throat, and phil's hands are shaking against dan's hips, it's that kind of romcom bullshit.
they did not. sleep that night. not a goddamn second. they probably fooled around a little bit but they probably did a whole lot more of blushing and covering their faces with their hands and laughing too loudly from the withheld stress and talking in hushed voices with hammering heartbeats.
the sex part sneaked into it in the following days.
Title: What’s Mine is Yours
Summary: During spring of 2010, a last minute trip to Phil's naturally turns into last minute packing to go home, and, well. Turns out Dan didn't really bring much. In fact, he's probably going home with more than he brought, thanks to some carefully nicked clothing of Phil's.
Words: 2k Rating: G Warnings: Cursing? Ao3: here
a/n: thanks to @auroraphilealis for beta'ing and bullshitting titles with me for 10 minutes before we ended up with the same crap we started with. also thanks to the two anons who requested prompt 68: “This is mine. So is this. And this. And this. Especially this.” I'm trying to break out of the expected with them, so we'll see how it goes haha
Dan’s train was set to leave in three hours, and of course he’d left packing until right this fucking minute. Last night, he’d been too eager to get Phil into bed to pack… and then he’d been too lazy to get out of bed and pack afterwards… and this morning, well, he’d put his energy to a different use this morning, too.
But now morning was turning into afternoon and his phone was sending him annoying reminders that his train was departing far too soon and he needed to fucking get his shit together.
Frantically, he ran about Phil’s room, sorting through the piles and piles of stuff to find his belongings. He’d only been here a week and they’d already managed to make a bloody mess of the place. They were always messier when Phil’s parents weren’t around to keep an eye on them — clothes inevitably ended up strewn about not only the bedroom, but the hall and the lounge and the kitchen…
Dan would have to remember to check those parts of the house on his way out.
“Jesus, where’re my damn pants?” Dan mumbled, more to himself than Phil seeing as Phil was currently being utterly useless.
Relaxing on the bed, Phil was watching as Dan tore the room apart, doing absolutely nothing to help. If Dan wasn’t such a good boyfriend — and he wasn’t at least fifty percent sure that Phil was probably a little sore from last night — he’d badger Phil into helping him. As it was, though, Phil probably was sore and Dan was definitely a good boyfriend (or he was trying his damnedest to be, at least), so Dan just let Phil be.
“You’re lucky I love you,” Dan grumbled under his breath.
Phil’s only response was a soft giggle from the bed. Dan spun around to find Phil smiling at him, his eyes lewdly scanning up and down Dan’s body. “I’d help, but I’m too busy enjoying the view.”
Dan looked down at that, his cheeks immediately flushing when he remembered that he was just wearing pants — Phil’s pants.
Tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip, Dan flashed Phil a coquettish smile. “I’m happy to stop packing if you’d rather do something different,” Dan offered cheekily, half teasing, half serious.
“You’ll definitely miss your train if we do something different,” Phil responded saucily, his eyebrows waggling lasciviously at Dan.
Packing was horrible — looking at Phil was much better. Dan let his gaze trace Phil’s body, taking in the way Phil’s open shirt framed his chest, the way his pants hung salaciously low on his hips, the way his hair hung around the edges of his face...
Dan swallowed thickly and forced his eyes away from Phil. “Right,” Dan said firmly, letting out a slow breath. He forced himself to refocus on the task at hand. Dan only liked so many clothes that he owned, and he’d definitely regret not having acceptable clothing in, like, five days if he didn’t bring his shit back, so he needed to focus.
But still, all of Dan’s efforts were likely futile — if for no other reason than he knew he was scheduled to be back here in less than two weeks. Then again, Dan knew he didn’t really bring much. Visiting Phil over Easter had been a rather last minute decision; he hadn’t found out that he had the week off until on Thursday night, when his dad mentioned his law firm — their law firm — wasn’t working the next week at the dinner table.
And asked if Dan was interested in doing some garden work for the neighbor in his free time.
Naturally, Dan had fled from dinner as quickly as possible, haphazardly shoving whatever he could get his hands on into his backpack while simultaneously calling Phil and telling him to play sick and get out of going to his Great Aunt Marge’s for the holiday. Wanting to see Phil as quickly as possible — and really wanting to avoid a lecture from his parents — Dan had gone straight from work to the train station, only armed with the shittily-packed backpack from the night before.
It wasn’t like it mattered that much; he and Phil were almost the same size, and they didn’t exactly have plans to go anywhere this week. Besides, Dan liked wearing Phil’s clothes just as much as Phil liked seeing Dan in them.
Clothing, though. That was important. Dan needed decent clothes for the next two weeks. Coming to a halt, Dan took a moment to stare into his backpack, evaluating what he had packed so far.
The most important things were there — his computer, his chargers, his straightener. There were a couple of shirts, too, and a pair of jeans.
Was it possible that was all he brought with him?
There was still a shitton of room in the bag, but it had been rather light when he’d come so… maybe?
Dan tried to think back on the week, attempting to remember what the hell he’d worn.
Not much.
Him and Phil just hadn’t had much alone time recently and, well... they’d capitalized on it this week.
Shifting his gaze up to look at Phil, Dan tilted his head and furrowed his brow thoughtfully. “Is this really all I had?”
Phil sent Dan a flat, unamused look. “Ugh, you’re making me move,” he groaned, pushing off the bed and trudging over to peer into Dan’s backpack. Phil poked around for a second before looking back up at Dan, shrugging his shoulders and cocking his head. “I think you borrowed most of your clothes, so… maybe?”
Phil reached out, his hands landing on Dan’s bare waist and pointedly tugging Dan’s — Phil’s, technically — pants. Dan glanced down, a warm blush spreading across his cheeks as he looked at Phil’s music note pants on his own hips, noticed the way that they were definitely a little looser on him than Phil.
That was new. Until Phil, Dan had only dated girls, and they’d all been smaller than him — smaller by a longshot.
And then Phil came along.
Phil, with his broad shoulders and sparse chest hair and hips wider than Dan’s and Dan just… Dan just melted a little every time he thought about it, honestly.
They’d been dating for six months, and sometimes the sheer boyness of Phil still got to Dan in ways he never would have imagined.
That was part of why Dan adored wearing Phil’s clothes. They were almost the same size — almost, but not quite. Phil’s shoulders were definitely broader, his chest decidedly more defined, his waist easily thicker. His cock… well, his cock was notably larger too, not that Dan was complaining.
They weren’t massive differences, but all together, they added up to Phil’s clothes being slightly large on Dan; the necklines hung a bit too far past his collarbones, the waistbands fell a bit too low.
And it was glorious.
That glorious, intimate feeling was what prompted Dan to swipe Phil’s purple lightning shirt off the floor. “This is mine,” he declared.
Phil raised an eyebrow, skeptically looking from Dan to the shirt and back. “Okay…” he said slowly, sounding like he didn’t quite know what to make of the claim.
Dan shoved the shirt into his bag as he scanned the room for other clothing he wanted to take from Phil. His gaze caught on a different pair of Phil’s pants, a pair that was a little too tight for Phil and fit Dan much better anyway. Phil didn’t need them. Dan crossed the room in three fast steps, picking up the Super Sonic themed pants and brandishing them in front of his chest. “So is this.”
Phil quirked one eyebrow doubtfully. “I get you wanting my shirt, but really? You want my pants?”
Almost daring Phil to challenge him, Dan raised an eyebrow and drew the Sonic pants in closer to his chest.
“Fine, you perve,” Phil conceded, though he sounded on the verge of laughter. “Take my pants with you.”
Dan smiled, a smug self-satisfied grin overtaking his face. Before Phil could change his mind, Dan added the bright pants to his bag, quickly scanning the room for his next culprit.
It didn’t take long for him to find it.
Laying on Phil’s dresser was another shirt, this one a red one that advertised Toyko Festival. Dan was pretty sure he’d never worn it — yet, anyway. He couldn’t deny that that was definitely part of the allure.
Dan swiped it off the dresser, holding it out in front of him with a testing smirk — if Phil would let him take this shirt, a shirt he’d never even borrowed before, then Dan was fairly confident that he’d have full reign.
“And this,” he said, trying to keep his voice sounding confident. It was hard; Phil might not realize, but Dan was merely testing the waters.
Phil raised his eyebrow skeptically but didn’t push the argument. “Alright...”
Dan smirked and tucked the shirt into his bag, quickly straightening back up. This time, he didn’t need to scan the room to know what he wanted, he didn’t need to rifle through piles and piles of clothing. He knew. He’d known from the beginning what he wanted to take.
Dan carelessly dropped his backpack onto the floor and closed the gap between him and Phil.
He didn’t have to scan the room to know what else he wanted, and by this point, he was fairly certain that Phil wasn’t too picky about what Dan took.
Dan just hoped Phil would let him take the item he wanted most.
The shrinking distance between them didn’t escape Phil’s notice; he looked down at Dan, head cocked and lips pursed, and an expectant glint in his eye.
“Yes, dear?” he prompted when Dan didn’t move to take anything.
Dan’s eyes drifted down from Phil’s.
There was a particular shirt that Dan was after, a black and white flannel that Phil had worn incessantly back in October — something he now knows Phil did because Dan had passingly said that the shirt looked good on Phil (it’s true, it did, but Dan hadn’t expected Phil to wear it constantly as a result).
Reaching out, Dan tugged on the hem of Phil’s open button down. Phil cocked an eyebrow, and Dan responded by yanking on the flannel again. “And this,” he said. There was a defensive note in his voice, a note that anticipated resistance and was already trying to push back.
A resigned smirk settled on Phil’s lips, his head subtly shaking. “If you really want it, it’s yours, Howell,” Phil agreed, his voice bubbling over with so much fond that Dan was certain his heart would explode.
With a bashful smile, Dan’s hand slipped from the hem of the shirt to the bare skin of Phil’s hips. Dan grunted a small noise that he hoped counted as thanks while his fingers trailed up the pale expanse of Phil’s chest until his palms reached Phil’s shoulders. Gently, Dan slid his hands under the collar, over Phil’s shoulders, Phil’s biceps, Phil’s forearms, until suddenly the shirt was free and fell to the floor.
Bending over, Dan picked up the flannel and cradled it into his chest defensively, half worried that Phil would change his mind if he looked at it too long. “Especially this,” Dan mumbled, his grip still vice-like on the shirt.
“Seriously,” Phil relented, just a hint of amusement lacing his voice. “Whatever you want is yours, babe.”
Dan’s attempt at a threatening, possessive gaze turned soft; the corners of his mouth tipped up into a smile, his eyes crinkled up in happiness.
“Thanks, Philly,” he murmured, never once letting go of the shirt. “I’ll bring it back,” he offered weakly.
Phil laughed, a beaming grin on his face, his tongue poking out of his teeth. “I don’t believe you at all, love, but that’s okay.”
This was written for Nethii's (@radical-flaar-queen) 18th birthday! I based this off Hunter Hayes' song 'I want crazy'. I love you Nethii, hope you enjoy this :))
Word count: 1,124
~~~
206 miles between them. 206 miles separating them from each other. 206 miles and £70 stopping them from meeting. It sucked. Dan just wanted to cuddle up with his new boyfriend, share their first kiss and first hug. But no, of course he had to live on the other side of England.
Realistically, he knew things would be different once they met. Dan would know what Phil smelt like, he'd finally get to see Phil in the flesh, hed get to hear his voice properly. But love doesn't know what distance is, so maybe nothing would change after all.
///
Booking the train ticket to Manchester was a big deal for Dan. He'd been saving up enough money for weeks, and now he was about to press the little ‘pay now’ button. It didn't feel real. It didn't feel like in just a week, he'd finally be with Phil. He'd finally be able to see the colour in his eyes, the gorgeous eyes he'd been thinking about throughout the whole process. Maybe he was being obsessive, but technically they were in their honeymoon phase and surely it was normal.
His phone pinged with a text from Phil. ‘have you booked them yet?’ it said, making dan draw a shaky breath. ‘almost’, he responded, pressing the button to pay only seconds after sending the text. Giddiness overtook him as he got the confirmation email, and he immediately called Phil.
“One week.” was the first thing he said when Phil picked up.
“I don't think I can wait a week.” Phil joked, and Dan could hear the excitement in his voice. It was finally happening, they were finally going to meet.
“Me neither,” Dan sighed. “Fuck, I'm gonna get to hug you. I can't wait to finally see your eyes. I can't wait for you to show me around Manchester. I just can't wait.” Dan was an absolute mess, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He was gonna get to meet Phil. He'd waited so long, and now that it was actually happening, he was struggling to believe it. It all felt like a fantasy.
///
Their last Skype call before meeting was different from the rest. Yes, it was the end of an era, the last time they'd call without having actually met. However, what happened in the call also contributed to why it was so different, so out of character for them.
Dan was nervous for the next day. No, scratch that, he was absolutely terrified. He didn't want things to change between them the next day. His parents had been so hard to convince to let him go all the way to Manchester to meet his boyfriend (‘best friend’), and he didn't want all the effort to go to waste.
It was nearing 1am when Dan confessed how nervous he was and how much he needed Phil.
“I cant sleep, cant breathe, without your love,” Dan whispered when Phil said that nothing would change. “What if when we meet, you decide I'm not good enough, decide I'm too crazy or something? I'm the happiest I've been in ages with you.” A stray tear slipped from his eye as he admitted what he'd been holding back for so long.
Phil squeezed the pillow that he'd been holding, pulling it closer to himself. Dan imagined that was him, and hoped Phil imagined the same.
“Dan, I don't want easy, I want crazy. I want you. I'm never gonna think that you're not good enough for me.” He reassured, kissing his fingers and pressing them to the webcam on his laptop like they'd both done so many times before. Dan did the same before wiping the few other tears that had escaped.
“But what if I'm not what you imagined me as? What if I'm too much for you?”
“Dan, love, I promise you won't be.” Phil's eyes flickered to the bottom right of his screen, probably checking the time. “It's late, try to sleep, honey.” He told Dan, shifting around to get more comfortable.
“You'll be there when I get to the station tomorrow?” Dan whispered shakily.
“Of course.”
///
Walking around Manchester with Phil was incredible. There was simply no other word to describe it. He could tell they were both nervous as fuck, but they were joking and laughing and having fun.
Stepping off the train just hours earlier had been so nerve wracking for Dan. He couldn't see Phil, and as stupid as it sounds, he thought he'd been stood up. He didn't have enough money with him to book a hotel for the 3 nights he was planning on staying so if Phil had stood him up, he was absolutely fucked. And then, he heard his name called and felt arms wrap tightly around him.
He'd gasped and struggled to return the hug, felt soft kisses pressed all over his hair, neck, and face and giggled quietly. Phil was here, Phil hadn't broken his promise. And man, did he smell good. Dan breathed in deeply before whispering ‘you're real’ and breaking the hug. Phil took his hand and grinned down at Dan, starting to lead them out of the station.
Since then, they'd dumped Dan's stuff at Phil's parent's house and just wandered around the city. Manchester was slowly lighting up as night fell, making Dan aware of how late it's gotten.
“Should we head back to your place soon?” He asked nervously, not wanting to be in an unfamiliar city at night, even if he was with Phil.
“I want to do one more thing, and then we'll go home.” Phil promised. Dan nodded and let Phil lead him towards the Manchester Eye. He grinned and squeezed Phil's hand tightly as he bought them a ticket each, climbing into the cabin after Phil and being eternally grateful that they were the only ones. As the Eye rotated slowly, Dan and Phil shifted closer and closer together. They were almost at the top when Dan was almost sitting on Phil's lap.
A sudden burst of confidence rushed through Dan as he cupped Phil's cheek and kissed him. It took a few moments for Phil to respond, terrifying Dan. Had he read the situation wrong? Did Phil not want to kiss him? He was about to pull away when Phil's arms wrapped around Dan and he melted into the kiss. When Dan pulled away, they were both flushed and Dan was certain he was about to cry from happiness.
“I think I love you,” Dan whispered before he leant in for another kiss. They were breaking all the rules, but it's them and they don't care about the rules. As long as Dan has Phil and Phil has Dan, they could get through anything.
do you ever think about what could have been and what would be if all that happened in 2012 never happened?
tbh i don’t think we’d be in a radically different boat. prior to 2012, it’s not like they were super open about their relationship (whatever it was), with the exception of some wicked old dailybooth/twitter stuff. but as soon as they started gaining followers, they quickly stopped sharing that kind of stuff. and that was welllllll before 2012.
i think they are both incredibly private people (in their own ways). think about it: we don’t know much about their friends, dan’s family, what they do outside of watching tv and youtube and stuff, etc. and sure, some of that is changing now. thanks to insta stories we are seeing snippets more of their lives.
but i think it still would have taken them ages to be comfortable sharing those parts of their lives. i think they had to get to know their audience on a more personal level before they were comfortable. i think they needed to be more secure in their career before it didn’t feel risky.
also, i don’t think they have the same perception of 2012 as us. i look back and i see scared and defensive behavior, but i think what it was like publicly for them is probably ver different than how it was privately – and thats not something we can ever know what it was like. that’s between them. and also, going through hard things makes relationships stronger (if it doesn’t break them, that is). i’d reckon that dnp came out of the whole 2012 thing with a stronger relationship, and also a better idea of how they were comfortable behaving publicly – something that probably helped avoid future fights over public behavior.
tl;dr: if 2012 didn’t happen, i still think it would have taken a long time for us to see what we are seeing now, i don’t think they would have magically come out sooner. i don’t think it would have changed much at all.
Another 2010 Portugal ficlet, though this one isn’t really about Portugal ... it just takes place during that vacation. I intended this one to be really short, but it got away from me. Maybe this one is long enough that I should put it behind a “Keep Reading” thingy. Comment to say so if you think I should.
[Masterlist of all pieces of the Portugal fic project]
Phil slowly emerged from sleep to the feel of Dan pressed against him along the entire back of his body, from the face tucked into the back of his neck to the knees curved along the backs of his own to the feet tangling with his beneath the sheet. The rest of the sheet had been thrown off at some point and now tangled around only their legs. In the warmth of the night, Phil didn’t mind the lack of covering, but he knew it was a sign that Dan had been restless. Add that to the fast breath against the nape of his neck and Phil’s sleepy brain was able to figure out that Dan had probably had another bad dream. It happened sometimes.
Phil didn’t roll over yet, but pressed his own arm to the one Dan had thrown around his waist and entwined his fingers with Dan’s. Dan’s arm tightened to hold him closer. “Nightmare?” Phil asked quietly.
Dan scooted even closer. Phil had thought there was no real space between them a moment ago, but now Dan was pressed against him so tightly he could feel every inch of him trembling slightly. “Not a nightmare, exactly,” Dan said in a small voice, and he sounded so very young. “Just a bad dream.”
Phil wished he could hold Dan, hold more than just his hand, but he knew Dan would want a bit of privacy right now. After a bad dream, he liked to be close, but not too close. He needed a bit of time and space before he could accept that much comfort. “Want to talk about it?” Phil asked into the darkness, his voice almost a whisper.
A long moment passed, and Phil waited patiently for Dan to be ready to talk about it if he wanted to. Then Dan said, “It was just stupid.”
Phil held in a sigh. Dan always dismissed his own doubts and fears as “stupid.” “Tell me about it anyway?” he coaxed.
Dan was silent for another long minute, then murmured into Phil’s neck, “I needed to do something. Everyone was counting on me. But I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t even know what it was I needed to do! But it was really important. And I knew I was letting everyone down. And I kept trying to figure out what it was I was supposed to do so I could try to figure out how to do it, but there was no one to help me and I was panicking…” His voice trailed off as his breath sped up.
Phil squeezed his hand gently and asked, “Is it okay if I turn around so I can give you a hug?” and he felt Dan nod. He rolled over to face Dan and took the boy into his arms, rubbing his hands up and down along his back, and when he pressed a tender kiss to Dan’s lips he felt tears on Dan’s cheeks.
“You don’t have to have everything figured out,” Phil reassured him softly. “And you know that you aren’t alone. You know that I’m always right here beside you, that I would do anything for you. I’ll always be here to help you.”
Dan’s arms around him squeezed him so tightly Phil could almost feel his bones creak under the pressure, but nothing on earth could have persuaded him to ask Dan to ease up in that moment. He heard a quiet sniff in the dark. He wondered if this was about uni, since Dan had received his acceptance only a few months ago.
He was proven correct when Dan asked hesitantly, “Do you think I’m doing the right thing with the law program? I just … I have no idea what I want to do, and I figure the law degree would at least be … you know … impressive. But is that a good enough reason to do it?”
Phil kissed Dan’s cheek and could taste the salt of his tears. “You don’t need to have any answers right now. You can always change your mind after you’ve seen what the courses are like. You don’t need to have your whole life planned out in advance, you know. Nobody ever really does. If they say they do, they’re lying.” He pressed another kiss, this time to Dan’s hair.
Dan sighed, and Phil could feel the warm breath against his face. Then Dan burrowed closer within Phil’s embrace and nudged in beneath Phil’s chin, pressing his face to Phil’s throat. They were both quiet, breathing together in the dark hotel room. They’d left the doors to the balcony open, and the smell of the ocean perfumed the air around them, a subtle breeze brushing across their bare skin.
“How do you always make me feel better?” Dan asked, and there was a tiny bit of humor in his voice now. The worst was over.
“It’s my superpower,” Phil replied. “Probably not as impressive as laser eyes or being able to move things with my brain.”
Dan kissed his throat and whispered, “I think it’s better. It’s the best superpower there is.”
