A Dork Like Phil

Kimberly//she/her//adorkablephil on AO3

[adorkablephil]

how've u been since the news? it took me forever to find this account on my old tumblr hehe

Pretty wild news, eh? I'm not really on Tumblr anymore and not active in the phandom, but I still follow their videos and now the phodcast.

I'm so glad they (especially Dan) finally felt safe and confident enough to be open about their relationship. It must have been incredibly difficult and stressful trying to hide it from everyone all these years, even hiding from irl friends and acquaintances! I'm really happy for them that they can lift this weight from their shoulders.

After listening to everything they had to say and thinking about it, I've felt a bit uncomfortable about my own phandom behavior of the past. I was never a serious "archaeologist," digging up deleted tweets and such, but I did make use of the fruits of other people's archaeology. I read people's shared screenshots of some of Dan's deleted tweets, saw deleted photos, and did some minor archaeological digs of my own, just doing Twitter back searches to see things they'd tweeted a decade ago that were still public. I even shared some of the information publicly in a "phan timeline."

I never really thought about the fact that these were invasions of their privacy. I subscribed to the "you put it on the internet, it's out there forever" philosophy, but that isn't really an excuse, and it isn't kind. And they pointed out in this video that they didn't realize how permanent it would be at the time, so a lot of the things they posted were not intended for the kind of eternal scrutiny they've received. And, now that I think about it, I've posted things online, myself, that I hadn't really thought through and wouldn't like to have thrown in my face for the rest of my life. It wasn't kind to Dan, in particular, to read tweets that he deleted specifically because he didn't want people to read them. I was ignoring his wishes out of my own curiosity and that's not really a cool way to treat someone you respect.

So I'm happy for them, and also realizing that I can't be so high-and-mighty about not being "one of those people" when it comes to invasive fans. Sure, I never tracked down their address or even watched the v-day video, but I invaded their privacy in smaller ways and it's important to recognize my own culpability. I'm not beating myself up, but I'm definitely feeling uncomfortable about some of my past behavior.

[adorkablephil]

*hesitantly peeks my head up*

I’ve been a traitorous, traitorous fangirl, hanging out over on Twitter for more than 3 years. Since that site is now crashing and burning, I’m wondering how the world has changed here while I’ve been gone & if I would be drawn and quartered if I return. 😅

I’m mostly involved only in BTS fandom and Korean language learning, these days. When I migrated to Twitter, it was because I couldn’t find many ARMYs here on Tumblr ... but maybe once the Muskrat has killed Twitter some ARMYs may gather here as an alternative to [wince] Instagram and TikTok? Or maybe there’s already a community of Tumblr ARMYs? And Korean language learners? I’m not sure if there’s a community for me here. If any of my old friends see this and happen to know, help a gal out?

[blackteelester]

Help Dani with rent deposit and moving costs, organized by Daniela Graham

Hi there! My name is Dani and I have recently been handed a notice to qui… Daniela Graham needs your support for Help Dani with rent deposi

I really need some help!! Please consider reading and donating if you possibly can. Oh and a share of this post would be great! Thank you ❤

[adorkablephil]

Whaaaaat? How did all my notifications get turned off somewhere along the way?????

If anyone has commented on anything or tagged me or liked anything ... I’m sorry if it seemed like I was ignoring you. I haven’t been around much, but I didn’t realize I wasn’t getting notifs!

[adorkablephil]

Memories of the TATINOF era

I heard Taylor Swift’s “Long Live” just now & the lyrics have always made me think of The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire, so I’m feeling sentimental for that era. The eclipse t-shirt! The fox jumper! “Without the Internet we never would have met”! Phil calling Dan onstage at the BONCAs! 😭😭😭

I love everything they’ve done since, of course, and I’m incredibly proud of the work Dan is doing now, but that era still holds a special place in my heart, maybe because it was so early in my phan life.

Now excuse me while I go off and get lost in a lot of old videos of two boys with ironed fringe.

[rawritsamehh]

https://twitter.com/pinknews/status/1350433371378298881?s=21

PinkNews on Twitter

“"I went on a world tour, and I was still in the closet," says YouTuber @danielhowell as he chats to @PinkNews and @jessicaootc https://t.co

Dan and Jessica is everything I need 😭❤️

[adorkablephil]

Dan doesn’t give himself enough credit. He wasn’t “given” a community on YT. He may have been in the closet, but he still drew people together in a community that was accepting and supportive. He created the very community that eventually helped give him the courage to come out.

[blasphannie]

Dan and Kath to warm our hearts today.

[adorkablephil]

This is the kind of content that makes me love Tumblr when I dip my toe back in occasionally.

[tinwomanrunaway]

You Won’t BELIEVE How Many Em-Dashes Local Writer Can Squeeze Into One 5K Word Fic

[astolat]

I–I came out here to have a good time and–

[jorzuela]

@schnaf

[adorkablephil]

I snorted at this. Me with ellipses.

[adorkablephil]

Hubs and I were playing Jeopardy yesterday and one of the answers was Mario Kart. I answered immediately and confidently. Hubs was shocked and looked at me, since I don’t play video games. “How do you know about Mario Kart?” he asked me.

Well, now, that’s sort of a long story.

Except it’s not.

“Dan and Phil.”

[pervocracy]

Me in history class: Wow, humanity has been through some fascinating times!  I wonder if I’ll ever live through major historical events!

Me now: NO NO NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE

[sunmied]

it was supposed to be space travel. it was supposed to be space travel. it was supposed to be space travel. it was supposed to be space travel. it was supposed to be space tr

[bundibird]

I imagine this post sees a significant surge in attention every time something New And Horrible happens, but I’d wager a bet that Covid-19 has caused the biggest surge yet.

[llamabeansforllamas]

This existed BEFORE the Coronavirus?

[midnight-spectrum-again]

Yes

[doc-acher]

“May you live in interesting times.”

[the-ascended-idiot]

I’d rather not be thank you very much

[adorkablephil]

Love you! 💜

Hey! All my old buds coming out of the woodwork! I haven’t been able to make it into the shower yet this morning, because I logged on for a mo & ended up liking some posts & it snowballed.😂 I mean, I know what’s going on with you to some extent, since see you on fb a lot, but you guys are making me want to log on here more often again ... it’s just that when I come on here I keep endlessly, obsessively scrolling and scrolling and liking things and liking things and it’s hard to make myself stop. Stop, Kimberly! Stop! Go take a frickin’ shower!😂

[adorkablephil]

Hey Kimberly! I know you’re just popping in but it was really nice to see your URL! I hope things are going well for you!

Hi!!! It’s nice to hear from you! I was just thinking about you the other day, because I was FaceTiming with @sweetcharite & it reminded me of when we all met at II in Seattle. As for me, I’m hanging in there. I’ve mostly been hanging around the BTS fandom lately, but I still follow DnP ... just more quietly.💜I hope you’re doing well, too!

[adorkablephil]

Oh!

Yikes! I just reread my most recent posts, and people probably don’t really follow this account anymore, but I wanted to say that, much to all my doctors’ shock, the large tumor I had removed in December turned out not to be cancer. So ... no cancer! Yay! Lots of other health stuff going on, because my body just doesn’t work right, but not cancer!

[adorkablephil]

My lady, it's so good to see you around 😘

😂I guess you saw me liking some of your posts this morning. 😂I apparently was not sneaky. 😂

I got a notification that someone had sent me a couple messages here, so I logged on to answer them ... and then I saw all these cute dnp posts and had to like them. And I saw other neat stuff & had to like some of that, too. And then I noticed that almost everything I was liking had been posted/reblogged by you. 💜

I can’t fall down the Tumblr rabbit hole again right now (I used to spend hours every day here!), but it’s so nice to see dnp stuff when I’ve only been following them on Twitter (and Phil’s videos, of course). I loved Phil’s video about rescuing Steve the Pigeon so much that I was recommending it to all my irl friends!

I’m excited to see what Dan puts out, if he ever gets his new project into a state he can tolerate with his perfectionistic tendencies. I’m guessing that he’s trying something new and so is struggling with doubting himself, if his descriptions of his past are any indication. I’m actually hoping it’s a book, because I’ve always considered him very talented in his use of imagery, metaphor, simile, and language in general. I think the very first YouTube comment I ever left on one of his videos was me saying that I hoped he’d come out with a book of essays someday.

I still support these boys with all my heart, even if I’m not active in the phandom anymore.

[adorkablephil]

I just wrote a personal text here and then deleted it, because this isn’t a place for personal stuff. It’s just the only truly anonymous place I have on the Internet, the only place my husband won’t see. Maybe I could create a Twitter account he doesn’t know about.

Hi Dan and Phil folks. Sorry I haven’t been posting, haven’t been writing fic, all that stuff. Life has been hard. I hope you’re doing okay.

[adorkablephil]

I hope you are doing okay💜💜💜

Things have been crazy. I’m sorry I haven’t been around. The truth is that I probably won’t be much involved in this fandom anymore. I still love Dan and Phil, which in a weird way is sort of why I won’t be around. In this fandom, I felt really inspired to read and write fic, to check my Tumblr feed every day, to follow DnP’s every movement on social media, etc. I’ve been deeply moved and personally touched by many of the things they’ve said and done. I flew hundreds of miles away to see Interactive Introverts. I made some really great friends and wrote more enthusiastically and more prolifically than I’ve ever written at any other time in my life.

But the fact is that I don’t have room in my life anymore for such an intense online distraction. I’ve been diagnosed with aggressively invasive intestinal cancer, and that’s been taking up basically all of my emotional energy. I’ve already had one minor surgery that turned up very bad results, and therefore I’m having major surgery in a couple weeks to remove a large amount of my intestinal tract. We don’t know yet whether I will need chemotherapy and/or radiation, but we do know that losing this particularly large portion of my internal organs will have a permanent effect on my life.

I’ve been an emotional mess, and the only room I’ve had in my life for fandom is the relatively superficial stuff that doesn’t inspire me to feel obsessively invested. My interest in Dan and Phil, in a weird way, is too intense for me to maintain now. I just don’t have the energy for it. I miss the phandom sometimes, but I just have to focus on me. I hope people continue to read the fic I wrote during happier times, but I have to move on to a more complicated, less fun focus.