#2019 rewind

[icelynodette]

2019 Rewind Oregon to Hawaii & Positive Words for 2020

[tufandemir]

Here’s my last 2019 Rewind playlist. This one contains the most beautiful soundscapes I discovered in 2019. 

[tufandemir]

Jazz continued to explode in 2019, shooting off in countless directions. Here's my picks for the best Jazz from 2019

[tufandemir]

A selection of House and Techno tunes that rocked the most during my dj sets in 2019.

[tufandemir]

A selection of my favourite Hip Hop and Neo Soul bits from 2019.

[kpoptrashlord-007]

2k19 Best Of;; January

Ryeowook's I'm Not Over You

N.Flying's Rooftop

Hyuk's Boy with a star

ATEEZ's Say My Name

Astro's All Night

JB's Be with you

Seventeen's Good To Me

[adamburt1984]

Things I think of 2019

My holiday in London in January, had great time there and see more of London and places & landmarks I want to see.

Harry from Death in Paradise- love seeing this lizard appeared on the show, but also enjoyed the show even there things that little depressing.

Goose the Cat- Highlight watching Captain Marvel

RIP Grumpy Cat and Lil Bub

Miss the Ginger Cat didn’t seen him or her since March

Favorite Cosplayers I like- First three cons is I never forget and meeting Cosplayers is highlight of going to cons.

Cornwall & Devon- Had 3 days holiday in Cornwall & Devon, met my cousin, explore my dad’s home county and see few in Devon.

Another time in London, cos of Comic Con give me time to see more of London.

Day out in Manchester to check out some christmas stuffs and also sight seeing

Meeting Dippy & Big Harry

Dinosaurs in Leeds

England won the World Cup in Cricket

Best Items I remember in 2019

More

[mstrangebird]

2019, the way i see it

I actually already made up my mind that I will not talk about 2019 that’s why I left the writing on the New Year’s Eve unfinished. But during lunch this afternoon I watched this 2019 review by Elena Taber on youtube and I kinda want to continue my draft because people can change, so here I try again.

I still have this hesitation in me while writing this. I don’t want to dig in the memories that I try to bury but also, want to learn something from it. 2019 was the most painful year in my life. Things that were falling. The constant presence of lonely feeling. To wake up and try to make things right, if possible.

To admit is hard. To forgive is harder.

Time flies. I’m always fascinated on how the time works. We do things or not, time keeps going. Never stops. We want to stop the time, but we can only stop ourselves from moving. It’s running and we are chased by it.

For me, the time was running way too fast last year. I know it too damn well why. Once again, I didn’t do anything meaningful that I can be proud of today. There are two types of how time flies for me. How time flies that I’m busy doing things and not aware what I’ve been doing until realize, “Wow! How time flies! Didn’t know that I’ve doing this much all this time.” Or, how time flies that I don’t do anything at all, only keep repeating the same thing every day until realize, “Wow! How time flies that I’ve been wasting too many times. Look! Still stuck here.”.

Twelve months and I can only picture me crying in the middle of the night, me hyping over the Korean boy groups, and me having some laughs along with my friends. While it was the most painful year yet seemed to be the simplest year, because I didn’t do anything at all.

Honestly, I didn’t want to admit that I was wasting my time because I was ashamed of it. It was hard and felt like losing. And to forgive myself for that was way harder than I thought. Going around like a walking dump was (is) such a burden. Feeling guilty to myself that I didn’t do much was killing my core. Moreover, facing the family or friends was like putting a thick wall. Even to write this all here, I feel ashamed. I don’t want people to pity me and look down on me, because myself alone is aware of it. But let it be, I can’t control what is out of my reach. To admit and to forgive were already exhausting. The process of it was tearing my beliefs bit by bit. Writing down things like this is swaying all the things that I’ve been holding onto all the years I’m living.

The searching. The questions. The point of view.

This year, I recorded every little thing that made me happy slash grateful for this life on my journal every day. Simply because I wanted to have reasons to live. Or because of the thought that I wouldn’t have experienced it, if I weren’t breathing. I feel sorry for myself somehow that I tried so hard to be happy. I found out that I tried so hard to find the gratitude behind everything. I looked at the littlest thing as if the happiness was long gone and nowhere to be found, while actually I could still be alive itself was a blessing.

We all want to be happy. I want to be happy and to feel content. And to feel content, I was having battle with myself a lot. I thought that series of happiness will lead me to be fully content while accepting for what I have right now, right in the moment, is what content feels like. That is why I’ve been searching for it the entire year and got nothing. I am not saying that we can’t want more or we can’t upgrade ourselves. But sometimes, we need to know that what is happening in this situation is enough.

But what is happiness, anyway? The time when you laugh? The heartwarming feeling when you’re surrounded by people you love? Or just the time when your Korean boy update his social media?

What about the opposite as we called sadness? The time when you found yourself crying silently at the corner of your room? The time when the scars are burning? The time when you let someone’s instastory knocks you down? Or just the time when you’re tracing down the street feeling lonely?

Whatever label sticks to it, it doesn’t matter. I try to learn it that way. Whether it’s happiness or sadness, those are what need to happen. Just like how I found crying and shutting down the world are happiness. How do you define those two? Sadness, I guess. We cry because we feel pain. We shut down the world because we feel disappointed. But then I asked myself what about I turn things around. And that point I learn… it’s just the point of view. Happiness or sadness. It’s how you embrace those feelings or situations. It can always give you something different.

I tried so hard to seek for happiness because I was busy choosing on what makes me me happy while I can turn things around. I drew lines that prevent myself to feel content. Life served me a long dark hallway, but I could always turn on the light.

I was crying a lot. Funny that I used to hate crying because it shows emotions. But it’s been a hell of year. It hurt right where it hit. The pain kept pressing me that I couldn’t do anything besides crying that time. I learn… it’s probably not solving the problems, but letting them out through tears is helping. It helps to feel relieved. The emotions, the storm and hurricane inside my brain, are somehow calming down slowly. Like, when you’re done crying, you start accepting things that this is what it should be. This is happening because there’s reason behind it. This is just a phase, and this will pass.

I shut the world when the episode came. My heart ached so bad that it might jump out of the ribs. The two lungs that I owned were tight that I found to breathe was hard. But when I have moments to myself, I learn that I can try to sort things out. And just like crying, it’s loosened up a bit. Like, when the noise is too loud and the heavy feeling is haunting, you can try to be friend with them. You try to understand what it wants, so you can continue the life outside your gate. This what you need to go through, so you can step up.

I’m still in a process of healing: admitting and forgiving for everything that I’ve done in the past. But for what happened in a whole year I can learn: this, what I have right now, is enough to make me feel content; and this, whatever it might be, I can always see it in another way.

I’m not that good at explaining things and tying up one to another (if yes, I could have finished my thesis tho), but this is the best that I can do to show you how 2019 taught things in my point of view.

At the end, having supportive friends around that I can still exchange texts to and not having bad blood with anyone, knowing parents are staying here no matter how fucked-up their daughter is, and still breathing while doubting the existence of The Greatest are those things that I have right now. Those are what I achieve this year. Those are what I’m grateful for. Those are what I’m trying to feel content about.

And those are what I will keep in my heart to fuel me going thru another hell of ride.