#23andsingle

[23andsingle]

Raw honesty

This is something I've never done so bare with me here, I'm going to try & write a post about my current emotions because I don't know what else to do. My current financial status has left me filled with anxiety to where I have to convince myself to get out of the house. I wish I could call out of work and go to the beach. I feel overwhelmed and all I want to do is cry. Everything inside me doesn't feel right. Not in the suicidal way, per se, but I feel broken. My life is a mess and I'm so scared of change that I've just been home trying to distract myself. At this point I'm on the verge of either giving myself a break or going all out and trying different drugs and getting drunk. Because I don't know what would help. For obvious reasons I know the second option wouldn't help, and I need to let myself heal, but I'm just not sure what would help. I have recently come to process that I actually have really bad anxiety. And thinking about telling someone gets me nervous and brings me to tears. I know I need help, I just don't know where to go from here. I cannot afford to miss or quit my job because I need income to pay my bills, but I need a break emotionally. I have been unhappy for a while now. And in finally understanding it. I know I want more out of life, I just need to find out what my 'more' is. Recently I've spent time with people I hardly talk to at social events and I find myself wanting to talk, but not knowing what to say. I don't want to be shy and quiet. But I also feel like I am annoying and repetitive on the things I talk about so I stay quiet. I wish I could be more outgoing, but it's just not who I am. Honestly I wish I could even be those people that does things alone. Goes out to eat alone, actually goes and makes dr appointments, does anything alone. I wish I didn't have such a small comfort zone. I will continue to write more, but my phone is dying and I still have to finish work and do some dinner plans so I will hopefully continue tonight. -D

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I think I'm falling into depression

Now the key word is 'think' Because I'm not sure. But I can't stop feeling lonely. All I want to do is crawl into the blankets and sleep. I've been waiting for someone to notice, but it doesn't seem to work. I've been waiting for someone to at least text and say hi. I've been waiting for someone to show they care. I've distanced myself for so long that I should have seen this coming. But it doesn't help. It doesn't help that it feels like no one cares. It doesn't help that I've been home for two days without really reaching out to anyone and no one seems to notice. I fee like I'm just sinking into an empty darkness void. I feel like a fucking Radiohead song.

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How can one resist?

Temptation is everywhere. Temptation is inside everyone. Yet, some people manage not to act on these temptation urges and others cannot help themselves. 

Personally, I can stop myself from diving into certain temptations if I know there are risks too high. But I wasn’t always that way. Now, I was more into kissing urges. Those are the risks I gamble a bit more with - but I can still stop myself. 

I also, know stories of husbands cheating on wives, or girlfriends cheating on boyfriends they live with. And things like that always make me keep my guard up. I’m always too scared to get hurt. 

(I’m not quiet sure where this post is going, but I know I just want to get back into writing so bare with me here.) 

I did it before in high school, where I would say someone is my boyfriend, it was never anything serious, but we were official. And I always hated the fact that I couldn’t go around kissing whomever I wanted to. So I would flirt with a guy and kiss him. I’m pretty sure if I was in a serious relationship, I wouldn’t do that. But I’ve never been in a serious relationship so I’m not 100% certain what I would do. And that’s a scary thought also, because I don’t want to break anyone’s heart. 

I honestly don’t even know why I worry myself with these thought, literally being as single as I can be for years now. But I think about this A LOT. Does anyone else have these thoughts when they’re single? Or in a relationship? Or am I just a super over thinker? 

I’d better go nap if I want to go out with the guys. Who knows, I might go back to kissing strangers this weekend. 

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There is a huge difference

After you hit on a girl, how you approach her. Maybe I’m alone in this, or every other girl feels this way, but I always end up feeling let down when, on the rare occasion that I do get approached, that I never get asked on a date. 

In case you wonder where this frustration is coming from, I had a neighbor that I was in love with as a pre-teen, and I ran into him on night, and had dropped some cheesy lines and ended up leaving me hanging. In over a week I have gotten two ‘come over with wine to hang out’ which upsets me more than it should. Now I am still pretty anti-relationship with myself, but it’s also a blow to my self esteem when a guy just wants to get laid and not actually talk to me. And the weird part is that I feel like I’m average looking, so I’m not used to this. I guess the super hot girls are used to constantly getting approached for sex, but it always leaves me upset when I don’t even get a date before a guy tries to get in my pants. 

There is more to me than just a sex partner. I mean yeah sex is totally fun if you’re into the guy (either into by lust or into by feelings) but I would like someone to approach me for my thoughts and not because I was running around bars in a skirt. I have way more to offer. 

Although with my recent male interaction record, I can’t say I’m surprised. Annoyed, yes. But not too surprised. My life has been a romantic mess since I made out with my best friends boyfriend the summer before 8th grade. 

I supposed this is probably my karma, but haven’t I learned my lesson by now? Haven’t I been upset by boys both drunk and sober enough to make up for this. And even in the end, he picked someone else over me. So that should have been the end of my karma. Nope. Yet another surprise from the universe. Thank you universe, thank you. 

I went from having a random night of being hit on by drunk friends. To trying to make out with a drunk friend. To being upset and slightly regretting even going out in the first place. 

This attempt-to-date mentality I’ve recently probably has more to do with my dry spell than anything (yes I said it, sue me) but it’s still a blow to anyone’s self esteem to be hit on by a guy and see him wrapped around another girls arm because you weren’t being friendly enough. 

God reading this out loud in my head feels like I might as well be wearing a fedora and telling girls that they’re always sad because they only date assholes and I’m the right one for them. Jesus I need a shot. 

I think I’ve been holding in feelings recently and everything is at the surface because I can’t hold any more in. Fuck me. 

I’m sorry, this wasn’t supposed to be a self-loathing post I swear. 

I’m going to eat some junk food or strawberries before I start crying with all these feelings swirling around in my head

- D 

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My life, filled with awkward encounters

Now people may say they have awkward encounters, but literally every encounter I have with a guy of the opposite, is eventually awkward as fuck. I don't ever think I've had the movie moment where I walk into a room & see a cute guy and he comes up to me later with the cheesy line of "you're the prettiest girl in the room" or what have you. My life is more like "no but like, where do you live?" After a few Facebook messages. Or talking to a guy for three weeks and him never asking me out. Now they may not sound awkward immediately, but I'll spare you the clinging details and say that my best friend confirms that basically every interaction I have with a guy is awkward. Fun. Yay me! I am quite proud that I've recently started coming out of my shell at a rate much faster than before, but still not at the proper comfort levels to do the things I want to do. Like go to eat alone and not worry about being awkward, or talk to people without being shy, or just stepping out of my comfort zone to travel and have ridiculous adventures. As for any male interaction, I have put that on hold because I am actually trying to find a new job and get my life goals in line. Or at least written out so I know which direction my life is going in. Just to make things easier. I need to focus on myself before I can drag anyone else into my life. Sad, but true. And that's kind of the whole point in this blog. But maybe this is the part where I work on myself and meet the man of my dreams. Or at least win him over, because I already know who the love of my life is. I'm just like 99% sure he doesn't look at me that way. -- I am actually really sorry that I kind of fell off the face of the earth with you guys. I want to write and keep you guys in the loop, but my computer broke and I have yet to buy myself a new one. And writing paragraphs on my phone isn't as exciting as one would think. And as much as I would love to pour my heart out into paragraphs of ramblings, but my eyes hurt and I really want to get back to Game of Thrones. Thank you for reading and I promise I'll write more soon and more consistently<3 -D

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[23andsingle]

I'm sorry I've gone missing

Long story short, my laptop has decided to malfunction and only work when the charger is plugged in and only angled in a certain direction. And writing on my phone is a pain in the ass. Anyways, I'm going to post something I wrote today. It's a question I wrote. And I want you guys to know that this is a real question in my mind. In case anyone wonders that too, please know I'm here struggling too. Goodnight for now.

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My life is a mess

I am eight days away from turning 24 and my life hasn't changed since I graduated high school and got my first job. I am still working and coming home. Now don't get me wrong, I still have adventures and do new random things, however, it's still home and work. I'm too scared of change. I would love to focus on school and actually find a career, travel the world, and move out and be independent, but I'm too scared to actually do it. I've had some major changes in life that keep me in a safe zone. 1. Moving from California to Vegas in 7th grade 2. My parents divorce I suppose I've always been a wallflower, but wanting to be social makes me awkward because I freak out and never know what to say. I've tried very hard to work on this, but it sucks that I'd rather be observant and hear people talk about their passions and things that make them happy vs. asking any random question that pops in my head and I have the courage to say out loud. I have found help though, alcohol helps. A lot. And I don't mean in the way that I can't go out and have fun without being drunk, I had sober fun too. But alcohol does help with my situation. And my ridiculous friends make sure to put me in situations where I'm forced to be out going. So I'm slowly working on that. -- As you can tell from all my posts, I am in fact still very single. I am torn between two. One is C that only wants to hook up with hot girls. And another, I don't think sees me that way. The other I have had a crush on for about four years. Maybe it's the fact that he's always so nice to me. Maybe it's his eyes. I don't know. Like I said, I'm a mess. Now I don't even want a relationship to begin with, but it is nice to have someone there. Someone I can bug and since he's my boyfriend, he had to put up with it. (On a side note, when I feel comfortable with someone I feel like I get very annoying and clingy.) So having someone there for me is nice, but I always find a reason to push someone away. -- Sometimes I kind of want to create an alter ego for myself. And do different things and be different. Like I would be a boring office girl in the day and a burlesque dancer at night. Not exactly that, but something random and surprising that catches people off guard. Like I'm in an all girl rock band. I feel like I would eventually come out about the double life, but at first I would keep it a secret. Like an experiment. I don't know. I feel like I'm in a fog in life with my routine. It's the same most of the time. -- I don't really know why I wrote this post. Usually I try to have a purpose. But I just needed to get some things off my chest. If you read it, thank you. -D