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Raw honesty

This is something I've never done so bare with me here, I'm going to try & write a post about my current emotions because I don't know what else to do. My current financial status has left me filled with anxiety to where I have to convince myself to get out of the house. I wish I could call out of work and go to the beach. I feel overwhelmed and all I want to do is cry. Everything inside me doesn't feel right. Not in the suicidal way, per se, but I feel broken. My life is a mess and I'm so scared of change that I've just been home trying to distract myself. At this point I'm on the verge of either giving myself a break or going all out and trying different drugs and getting drunk. Because I don't know what would help. For obvious reasons I know the second option wouldn't help, and I need to let myself heal, but I'm just not sure what would help. I have recently come to process that I actually have really bad anxiety. And thinking about telling someone gets me nervous and brings me to tears. I know I need help, I just don't know where to go from here. I cannot afford to miss or quit my job because I need income to pay my bills, but I need a break emotionally. I have been unhappy for a while now. And in finally understanding it. I know I want more out of life, I just need to find out what my 'more' is. Recently I've spent time with people I hardly talk to at social events and I find myself wanting to talk, but not knowing what to say. I don't want to be shy and quiet. But I also feel like I am annoying and repetitive on the things I talk about so I stay quiet. I wish I could be more outgoing, but it's just not who I am. Honestly I wish I could even be those people that does things alone. Goes out to eat alone, actually goes and makes dr appointments, does anything alone. I wish I didn't have such a small comfort zone. I will continue to write more, but my phone is dying and I still have to finish work and do some dinner plans so I will hopefully continue tonight. -D

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I think I'm falling into depression

Now the key word is 'think' Because I'm not sure. But I can't stop feeling lonely. All I want to do is crawl into the blankets and sleep. I've been waiting for someone to notice, but it doesn't seem to work. I've been waiting for someone to at least text and say hi. I've been waiting for someone to show they care. I've distanced myself for so long that I should have seen this coming. But it doesn't help. It doesn't help that it feels like no one cares. It doesn't help that I've been home for two days without really reaching out to anyone and no one seems to notice. I fee like I'm just sinking into an empty darkness void. I feel like a fucking Radiohead song.

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How can one resist?

Temptation is everywhere. Temptation is inside everyone. Yet, some people manage not to act on these temptation urges and others cannot help themselves. 

Personally, I can stop myself from diving into certain temptations if I know there are risks too high. But I wasn’t always that way. Now, I was more into kissing urges. Those are the risks I gamble a bit more with - but I can still stop myself. 

I also, know stories of husbands cheating on wives, or girlfriends cheating on boyfriends they live with. And things like that always make me keep my guard up. I’m always too scared to get hurt. 

(I’m not quiet sure where this post is going, but I know I just want to get back into writing so bare with me here.) 

I did it before in high school, where I would say someone is my boyfriend, it was never anything serious, but we were official. And I always hated the fact that I couldn’t go around kissing whomever I wanted to. So I would flirt with a guy and kiss him. I’m pretty sure if I was in a serious relationship, I wouldn’t do that. But I’ve never been in a serious relationship so I’m not 100% certain what I would do. And that’s a scary thought also, because I don’t want to break anyone’s heart. 

I honestly don’t even know why I worry myself with these thought, literally being as single as I can be for years now. But I think about this A LOT. Does anyone else have these thoughts when they’re single? Or in a relationship? Or am I just a super over thinker? 

I’d better go nap if I want to go out with the guys. Who knows, I might go back to kissing strangers this weekend. 

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There is a huge difference

After you hit on a girl, how you approach her. Maybe I’m alone in this, or every other girl feels this way, but I always end up feeling let down when, on the rare occasion that I do get approached, that I never get asked on a date. 

In case you wonder where this frustration is coming from, I had a neighbor that I was in love with as a pre-teen, and I ran into him on night, and had dropped some cheesy lines and ended up leaving me hanging. In over a week I have gotten two ‘come over with wine to hang out’ which upsets me more than it should. Now I am still pretty anti-relationship with myself, but it’s also a blow to my self esteem when a guy just wants to get laid and not actually talk to me. And the weird part is that I feel like I’m average looking, so I’m not used to this. I guess the super hot girls are used to constantly getting approached for sex, but it always leaves me upset when I don’t even get a date before a guy tries to get in my pants. 

There is more to me than just a sex partner. I mean yeah sex is totally fun if you’re into the guy (either into by lust or into by feelings) but I would like someone to approach me for my thoughts and not because I was running around bars in a skirt. I have way more to offer. 

Although with my recent male interaction record, I can’t say I’m surprised. Annoyed, yes. But not too surprised. My life has been a romantic mess since I made out with my best friends boyfriend the summer before 8th grade. 

I supposed this is probably my karma, but haven’t I learned my lesson by now? Haven’t I been upset by boys both drunk and sober enough to make up for this. And even in the end, he picked someone else over me. So that should have been the end of my karma. Nope. Yet another surprise from the universe. Thank you universe, thank you. 

I went from having a random night of being hit on by drunk friends. To trying to make out with a drunk friend. To being upset and slightly regretting even going out in the first place. 

This attempt-to-date mentality I’ve recently probably has more to do with my dry spell than anything (yes I said it, sue me) but it’s still a blow to anyone’s self esteem to be hit on by a guy and see him wrapped around another girls arm because you weren’t being friendly enough. 

God reading this out loud in my head feels like I might as well be wearing a fedora and telling girls that they’re always sad because they only date assholes and I’m the right one for them. Jesus I need a shot. 

I think I’ve been holding in feelings recently and everything is at the surface because I can’t hold any more in. Fuck me. 

I’m sorry, this wasn’t supposed to be a self-loathing post I swear. 

I’m going to eat some junk food or strawberries before I start crying with all these feelings swirling around in my head

- D 

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My life, filled with awkward encounters

Now people may say they have awkward encounters, but literally every encounter I have with a guy of the opposite, is eventually awkward as fuck. I don't ever think I've had the movie moment where I walk into a room & see a cute guy and he comes up to me later with the cheesy line of "you're the prettiest girl in the room" or what have you. My life is more like "no but like, where do you live?" After a few Facebook messages. Or talking to a guy for three weeks and him never asking me out. Now they may not sound awkward immediately, but I'll spare you the clinging details and say that my best friend confirms that basically every interaction I have with a guy is awkward. Fun. Yay me! I am quite proud that I've recently started coming out of my shell at a rate much faster than before, but still not at the proper comfort levels to do the things I want to do. Like go to eat alone and not worry about being awkward, or talk to people without being shy, or just stepping out of my comfort zone to travel and have ridiculous adventures. As for any male interaction, I have put that on hold because I am actually trying to find a new job and get my life goals in line. Or at least written out so I know which direction my life is going in. Just to make things easier. I need to focus on myself before I can drag anyone else into my life. Sad, but true. And that's kind of the whole point in this blog. But maybe this is the part where I work on myself and meet the man of my dreams. Or at least win him over, because I already know who the love of my life is. I'm just like 99% sure he doesn't look at me that way. -- I am actually really sorry that I kind of fell off the face of the earth with you guys. I want to write and keep you guys in the loop, but my computer broke and I have yet to buy myself a new one. And writing paragraphs on my phone isn't as exciting as one would think. And as much as I would love to pour my heart out into paragraphs of ramblings, but my eyes hurt and I really want to get back to Game of Thrones. Thank you for reading and I promise I'll write more soon and more consistently<3 -D

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[23andsingle]

I'm sorry I've gone missing

Long story short, my laptop has decided to malfunction and only work when the charger is plugged in and only angled in a certain direction. And writing on my phone is a pain in the ass. Anyways, I'm going to post something I wrote today. It's a question I wrote. And I want you guys to know that this is a real question in my mind. In case anyone wonders that too, please know I'm here struggling too. Goodnight for now.

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My life is a mess

I am eight days away from turning 24 and my life hasn't changed since I graduated high school and got my first job. I am still working and coming home. Now don't get me wrong, I still have adventures and do new random things, however, it's still home and work. I'm too scared of change. I would love to focus on school and actually find a career, travel the world, and move out and be independent, but I'm too scared to actually do it. I've had some major changes in life that keep me in a safe zone. 1. Moving from California to Vegas in 7th grade 2. My parents divorce I suppose I've always been a wallflower, but wanting to be social makes me awkward because I freak out and never know what to say. I've tried very hard to work on this, but it sucks that I'd rather be observant and hear people talk about their passions and things that make them happy vs. asking any random question that pops in my head and I have the courage to say out loud. I have found help though, alcohol helps. A lot. And I don't mean in the way that I can't go out and have fun without being drunk, I had sober fun too. But alcohol does help with my situation. And my ridiculous friends make sure to put me in situations where I'm forced to be out going. So I'm slowly working on that. -- As you can tell from all my posts, I am in fact still very single. I am torn between two. One is C that only wants to hook up with hot girls. And another, I don't think sees me that way. The other I have had a crush on for about four years. Maybe it's the fact that he's always so nice to me. Maybe it's his eyes. I don't know. Like I said, I'm a mess. Now I don't even want a relationship to begin with, but it is nice to have someone there. Someone I can bug and since he's my boyfriend, he had to put up with it. (On a side note, when I feel comfortable with someone I feel like I get very annoying and clingy.) So having someone there for me is nice, but I always find a reason to push someone away. -- Sometimes I kind of want to create an alter ego for myself. And do different things and be different. Like I would be a boring office girl in the day and a burlesque dancer at night. Not exactly that, but something random and surprising that catches people off guard. Like I'm in an all girl rock band. I feel like I would eventually come out about the double life, but at first I would keep it a secret. Like an experiment. I don't know. I feel like I'm in a fog in life with my routine. It's the same most of the time. -- I don't really know why I wrote this post. Usually I try to have a purpose. But I just needed to get some things off my chest. If you read it, thank you. -D

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I'm the type of girl

That is with the girl that always gets hit on. I've come to learn that I pick friends that are usually the opposite of me so I have someone to pull me out of my comfort zone. But picking such social outgoing butterflies as friends means that I'm usually lost in their shadow. You may think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I can recall several events with several different friends where this has happened. I'm not going to list them all, but it's a real thing. --- I was talking to my sister the other day and that's when it really hit me. She said that someone hit on her and it hadn't happened in a while so she was happy. And then I realized that I've never really been hit on. Like my sister was complimented about her dimples and pretty smile. I usually get complimented on my boots or band shirt. Now that's totally okay with me, because I love bands and boots, but that's when I realized that I don't think anyone really notices me. I will randomly get hit on by a drunk person at a bar, but because they're drunk. I've never been told by a stranger I have a nice smile or hair or something. The girls I hang out with usually get those compliments almost daily. Sometimes I wish I would get the sappy love movie line of "I saw you sitting across the room and I had to come talk to you" --- I usually wear dresses or skirts when I go out and I occasionally get a "damn" which is different, because it's because I'm wearing something that can be determined as provocative, and not because I'm pretty. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's the way I interpret it. Now I'm not saying I need anyone's approval or opinion, but it would be nice to be complimented instead of being behind someone's shadow. I should be used to it growing up in my sisters shadow, but I was hoping as I got older I would become my own person and things would change, but I guess not. Maybe I need to grow more, but I should definitely get back to work. Goodbye for now, -D

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I wish someone was here

Like I'm seriously debating on either texting one of my guy friends or someone else to come over and just hug me. I feel like I'm too emotional to be alone right now.

Talking to my sister about our family problems reminds me why I lean more towards a friends with benefits than trying to find an actual relationship. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m awkward as shit, so I don’t have tons of guys I hook up with or rotate. I actually only have one guy I’ve been back & forth with for like two years or so, C. 

But I’d rather think about running to him and picturing us hooking up because I invited him over vs. me actually having a boyfriend to call during times like these. 

Now I know I’ve touched on my parents before, but seriously, their marriage fucked me up. So I learned later in life, that they both cheated and lied and abused each other the entire time they were together. 

And I know that most marriages end in divorce or that they’re ridiculously common or whatever, but I hide my emotions and I suppress everything. So I am currently blogging and crying about my feelings instead of running downstairs in my underwear to get a wine bottle, like I really want to, but that would be me trying to suppress my feelings. And I’m working slowly on being more outspoken, especially about my feelings and what I want. 

So anyways, I just really want to cry and have someone hold me and tell me things are going to be okay. And I know I post that a lot, but I’m being serious. I’m to the point in my life where I’m covered by a fog because I can’t figure anything out, and I just want some sort of reassurance that I’m doing okay in life. That I mean something to someone. That someone cares and wants me to be okay. And I haven’t felt that way in a long time. I feel like everyone around me is moving forward with their life and I’m stuck at a standstill because I’m too scared to move forward and let go of the past. 

A big part of me wants to quit everything and rent a shack in the forest and wake up and drink coffee and write until I can figure stuff out. But I’m too scared as o right now, so I’m putting that to the side. Plus it would get lonely and I would probably starve, but that’s besides the point. 

Actually, this post doesn’t really have a purpose other than trying to get my emotions on the table instead of drinking wine in bed. 

I do have a minor update for my life though, I did start looking at my local community college and looking up degrees in writing because I’ve always really liked writing. So if I’m going to be single forever, I might as well be successful, or do something I’m really happy with doing every single day. 

Alright I feel much better but I do need to run and get some Oreos while I watch my favorite movie at the moment (Stuck in Love, and seriously, watch it if you haven’t) 

Goodbye for today, 

-D

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Let me start by saying

That this post took me over a week to finally write because I was trying to process this without over thinking. Hence the over the week of thinking. So (with the help of a friend) I ended up drunk texting my thanksgiving date C. Yup, the very same that sends me mixed signals like crazy. Now let me say that after sharing a pitcher of beer with a friend, I was not in the best mental state. I wasn’t sloppy drunk, but I was feeling the buzz. I was actually too shy to text him at all, cue the friend sitting at the other side of the empty beer pitcher. He is the one that actually sent every single text that night. It was technically a group effort because there was three of us actually working on what to send. But anyways, so the text gets sent at 2:00 AM asking what he’s doing and I immediately get a ‘this isn’t a good idea’ type text. Mixed signal #1. When my friend sent a 'never mind’ text he said it wasn’t good because of him and a mutual friend and me “hanging out” with a mutual friend. Mixed signal #2. So then (and it’s a little blurry so I’m basing this off memory because I’m too scared to re-read the messages) my friend sends another 'okay have a good night’ text because I was already banging my head against the bar table debating if I should order more beer. And then C says something along the lines of 'forget what I said, I was jealous, you should come over.’ Mixed signal #3. Now since (and I’m not going to lie) it had been a while since I hooked up with anyone, my buzz gave me the courage to go and get my fix. I mean seriously, it was months. Anyways, so I go and after an awkward roommate encounter at the door, we ended up eventually going to his room. And at the end of the night, we ended up cuddling (among other things). Which happen the last time we hooked up and then he went MIA on me. So I did my typical move and snuck out of his house at about 5:00 AM. As you could probably picture, I was quite surprised when I got a text from him the next morning which eventually lead to a 'will you let me take you out on a proper date tonight?’ And I about melted. A cuddle and a date? That never happens. Especially to me. So I agreed and spent the rest of the day smiling like a school girl. As another one of my typical moves, I was running super late to meet him but I rushed over and met him at his house. The cutest thing about this was that he had everything all planned out. We went to this cute little French place for dinner and then a fondue place for dessert. It was so great, but it felt more like a friend date than a romantic date. Mixed signal #4 within 24 hours. But I went with it, we talked, made jokes, and maybe it was the oddness that we just hooked up, but there was no flirting. I’m the most socially awkward person I know, so maybe it was me, but I’ll never know. Anyways, so we ended up going back to his place and with a second awkward roommate encounter, we just watched Netflix for a bit. I ended up leaving after a few Bobs Burgers episodes because I had work the next day, but he just hugged me and went back to the tv. Mixed signal #5. Now I’m not expecting him to propose or anything of that matter, but there were a handful of mixed signals in less than 24 hours. Which with my habit of over thinking, has me replaying everything in my head. It doesn’t help that I haven’t really heard from him since. I’m trying really hard to go with it, but C can’t just ask me on a date and cuddle with me and then ignore me. Like friend with benefits I understand. Dating I semi-understand. But ignoring and dating a friends with benefits is where I get lost. Maybe I’m just making excuses for myself as a reason to casually hook up with him and make it okay because he asked me on a date. Because I could use this as an excuse not to date and fall in love. At this point, I’m trying not to force anything, but I am beyond confused with this guy. I think I’ll go back to using work as a distraction. -D

[23andsingle]

For the first time

I invited a guy to a Thanksgiving dinner. Or a family dinner in general. Now this is the friends with benefits I had for about a year on & off. I’ve nicknamed him a few things but he’s the random hook up I’ve posted about. We can call him C. Anyways, so since C is originally from another state I asked what his plans were for thanksgiving because I didn’t want him to spend it alone. So I invited him over with my family and spent the last week super nervous about him being around my entire family. I’ve always had feelings for him, because despite him being a, as my sister calls it, man whore. She keeps telling me that she wants nieces and nephews. I don’t know. I guess I always kind of dreamed that we would end up together. He’s slightly perfect for me. He’s not clingy. He's tall. He's cute. He's funny. He's charming. But of course, those guys are trouble. Especially for me. He always sends me mixed signals, but this time I'm not too sure what to think. He was randomly texting me before the dinner, but nothing too in depth. And I want to ask him to hang out, but also I'm scared to get feelings for him and get hurt again. Someone please help me determine what to do, because I have confused myself with mixed emotions. Goodnight, -D

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So what's the difference

Between being single and dating the wrong guy? Now I know there's the huge differences like having and not having a boyfriend. But I mean like, you could technically have the same amount of sex and same amount of dates, without technically being in a relationship. Now I say this because I get questioned all the time about when I'm going to get a boyfriend, but how is that so different than dating the wrong person? I'm just thinking, but I'm quite curious. Would there be a difference if I'm single vs. being in a relationship with the wrong person? Maybe being in a relationship will lead nowhere but heart break. Maybe someone's in a relationship because they don't like being alone. Maybe they need a relationship to help their finances or afford their luxurious life. Maybe being single and being in a relationship with the wrong person will have the same outcome. Now I'm not saying I don't believe in marriage or relationships, I do. But I hate when I get shit for not being in a relationship, when other people are out there in relationships for the wrong reasons or with the wrong person, but they don't get shit because they are in a relationship. So they're 'trying to find someone' For example, if there was a girl dating a guy because he would buy her everything. Say she doesn't love him, how is it different to be in a relationship without love different from being single? Sorry I just kind of wanted to rant because it's been annoying me all day that coworkers ask about every guy that comes into work if I think he's cute because they want me in a relationship. Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I just trying to find excuses to feel better about being single? Goodnight, -D

[23andsingle]

So a married guy tried to kiss me

Let me start by saying I have over examined the whole situation because, if I'm trying to just be nice to a guy, I try my hardest not to be flirty because I've been told my constant giggling is a flirt trigger. So I had an old coworker (we both worked at the same job months ago) contact me on social media. He mentioned how he left the old company and lost my phone, but gave me his number to text him. Let me give you a quick back story in that I had met his wife & kids previously. I hung out with them for a camping weekend. So I knew they existed and he knew that I knew they existed. Plus he always wore his wedding ring. So it wasn't a secret he was married. Anyways, so we always get along pretty well, and honestly I was very curious to get he gossip about why he left and what happened when I left. So I text him and we talked a bit. I guess this is where I started to fuck it up, because he wanted to eat lunch, but at work I can't leave for lunch so I suggested after work drinks. We agreed to go out that day after work. When I got off work he told me to call him because it was bad weather and he didn't want us to drive far. Red flag #1: so when I called him after work we were trying to find a place to drink and I used my typical "I don't know, you pick a place" and his response was "well I usually buy beer and drink somewhere, is there a grocery store around here?" So I suggested a bar I always drive by on my way home. And I do kind of blame myself because it was a very dimly lit bar/restaurant and was much fancier than I expected. So we were seated in a back corner and they brought us drinks. We caught up on things, and I specifically asked about the wife and kids multiple times, with two beers & chicken wings, and then a party of like 15+ got seated in the area we were at, so he said "do you want to go outside and sober up?" So he paid and made the joke of "you pay next time" as usual when someone buys drinks. We went outside and it was colder than usual (it had actually need cold all day) which leads us to Red flag #2: his statement, "do you want to go sit in my truck?" I agreed, but I was still fairly sober so I knew nothing was going to happen, but I suppose this is another thing I can count against myself. So we get into his work truck and he puts on a random like EDM station and we talk a little bit more. And by a little bit, I literally mean about three minutes and then I said "okay I'm going to go now" and reach for the door. He asks me, "are you okay to drive" and I respond with, "yes I had two beers" and Red flag #3: as I open the door, he says the typical, "can I get a hug?" So I agree and I was going to walk to the back of his truck to hug him, but he didn't move from the drivers side, so I walked the rest of the way and hugged him. When I heard that statement and when I noticed he didn't move from the truck driver door, I knew he might try to pull a move. So I went to hug him and try to pull away, but he kept hugging me. So I said "okay I need to go, go home to your wife" he then started to move his hands around my back and asked if it was okay and I said "ha, I'm going to go. Goodnight" and try to move away again. When he slightly leans into his car, pulling me with him, but I kept my ground, but I would have literally been on top of him. Red flag #4: he tries to kiss my neck but my hair was a mess so luckily it covered me, so I said "go home to your wife and kids!" And he says "no I'm having fun" and I say as I'm pushing myself away from him, "seriously, go home to your wife and kids" and I walk away. He text me that night and again the next morning. But I'm not going to reply. I'm very shocked that I had to use the 'go home to your wife and kids' line multiple lines. I never thought I would say that. To anyone. And even though nothing happened, I still feel really bad. I don't know why. Like nothing happened, and I feel like a total asshole. I know I know, something could have happened, but I knew better, and I didn't let it. And yet I still feel bad about it now. Can it be so easy to cheat on a spouse of 10+ years? I worry seeing as how I'm single as fuck and this is a constant fear of mine. Way to help me overcome the fear. Until next time, -D

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I fell in love last night

Maybe it was my costume. Maybe it was how we met. Or maybe it was all the alcohol and other things I consumed. Either way, he was perfect. I drank a lot more than I should have, so I blacked out the last like hour. But before my mind went blank, I remember being all over him. Apparently his nickname was Stripper, so we'll go with that. Stripper was tall, buff and had an amazing smile, so I was immediately weak in the knees. All of the ladies at the party made a comment on how cute he was. He had all of us swooning. All. Of. Us. I saw some Snapchats, and I was all over him. Oh it was bad. He was apparently being flirty too, until I passed out in the bathroom and all hope went out the window. The Stripper apparently continued talking to the girl that brought him to the party. No one really knows after that. But they all saw me all over him. Oh it was so bad. I'm still a little embarrassed about how much I was all over him. I even vaguely remember grabbing his face to kiss him once or twice. Oh it was so so so bad. This is why I shouldn't drink. I try and flirt with everyone. Oh it's bad. Of course with my luck, all I got was a name. Nothing more. No way to reach out. Not that I would, out of embarrassment. But maybe he would text me. Ask if I was still with my head in the toilet. Or something cute like 'it was nice to meet you. Can I take you out to dinner?' Actually, I do have a confession. So a friend added him online and I immediately looked him up (when my hangover passed and I was back home) because I wanted to see if he was in a relationship or something. But I only confirmed he was, in fact, a stripper. So living in the city, most male strippers are gay. And that proposed the question, did I spend all night flirting with a gay guy? Until my embarrassment passes, I don't want to know the answer to that question. I've had enough embarrassment to last me a life time. I should be sleeping anyways, I just wanted to update you all. In case you were wondering how my love life is going. Goodnight -D

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And just like that, he was gone

(Let me start off by saying that I've forgotten the nicknames I've given to the boys I've previously mentioned so I will repeat myself when giving back stories.) So the boy from the camping trip, A, has left back home and I feel really bad because I never gave him a proper goodbye. The last time I saw him I grouped in a "goodnight boys" while grabbing my purse and running out the door. And today he gets on his flight to go back home. Actually he might have already gone. I'm not sure what time he flight is. But he's gone. The odd thing is that I had a dream with him last night. And it could have been a very real thing too. Which is messing with my head. He (in real life) had a little going away party and all the friends and people from the camping trip were there. So in my dream I went to say goodbye. And we were all hanging out watching movies and we were cuddling. And everyone walked out of the room for a minute and I kissed him. Like I laid on top of him and kissed him. And he said "we shouldn't be doing this" and I replied mid-kiss "it doesn't matter, you're leaving tomorrow anyways" Which is a total possibility of something that could have happened. And I think we were going to have sex, but that part is a blur. I don't remember much after telling him that in my dream. So now I'm feeling lonely again. My hormones have been all over the place. This current lonely situation doesn't help. With my family life right now, I need something steady. Something that doesn't change. I really wish I had someone. And a huge part of me wants to call someone to come over, and just hang out with me. But everyone I want to call over, I've probably made out with. So calling someone over to hang out might give off the wrong sign. I did try to text someone to come over last night. I tried to text J. But as always, I never got a response. Even though he's been messaging me the night before about random things. I literally don't understand boys at all. I go for the ones I can't have. And I don't want the ones that actually like me. Maybe there's something wrong with me. In fact, I KNOW there's something wrong with me. I can't keep anyone around. I feel like everyone always finds a way to leave me. I'm sorry it's the hormones, I don't want to be all sad today. I need to get ready. I need to have an outing to cheer myself up. I'll update if anything, but I can tell you now, at this rate, there isn't much to update. Until next time, -D

[23andsingle]

I want to be honest

I want this to be a not-holding-back-on-details-or-emotions type of blog. Which is why I'm trying to keep names and locations anonymous. But anyways, so since I'm nearing my lady time (I'm referring to my period) I always get super emotional and lonely. Like everything makes me want to cry and want to call all my crushes and hang out with them while I cry. Which NEVER happens for the record. But that's how I feel. It makes me think of why I don't allow myself to be in a relationship, why I distance myself from guys, and I only like the guys I can't have. Yes this happens once a month. No I don't really cope with it. I just eat junk food and watch sad movies. See, I think my problem is that I never seem to meet guys. I have friends I run into from time to time when I'm out, and they always have new guys or new guy stories. And then there's me. That's had two dates in two years. I try to put myself out there, and I'm getting wayyy better with my social awkwardness compared to before, but I still haven't met anyone new really. I'm the girl, that hangs out with the girls that ALWAYS get hit on. While I awkwardly stand there, looking for a signal in case she needs an out, or to talk to the friend(s) while she gets a number or something. Yup. I'm the other girl. I'm that girl. Now I've always been told when someone meets me (like a family friend or someone older that has a significant other) tells me 'oh I'm gonna hook you up with my nephews best friends cousins uncle twice removed' or something less specific. And after talking to me for a bit, they never 'hook me up' Which totally drives me crazy because I feel like something is wrong with me. And that doesn't help with my insecurities already. But that happens with 1/5 adults I meet. Sad but true statistic. So anyways, I'm back to feeling lonely and feeling like there's something wrong with me. This weekend I went to a drinking festival thing, and got pretty drunk and starting hitting on a security guard. Who was being friendly back and blushing. (YES apparently drunken me can make guys blush.) And I saw him the first day, and never saw him the second day. Which was sad because he was really cute. I even looked and had my friend look, but we never found him again. So that ones gone. I think my parents divorce fucked me up more than it should have. I'm way too guarded. And maybe that's the vibe I send out. But I never get approached. And if I do, it's from a creepy/clingy guy that either when I make a joke says 'that's so sexy' or sends 10+ text messages without a response from me. Well my eyes are closing and I would totally love to ramble about all this nonsense more, but I do need to get some sleep. Until next time, -D