#29.3.19

[chaoticbutterflyrebel]

Me going from Spanish to French to German tonight

[endometriosis-andme]

Anyone else wish they could transfer their pain??

Not even to get rid of it, but just to show other people what it's like??

I'm so tired of having to explain why I don't feel good, again, and again, and again..

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

Okay so here's the deal - I'm going to Portugal for a week. I'll have internet so I'll still probably post shit, but no anime. The flight's like over 3 hours long so I downloaded Rebellion to watch for like, the 17th time. Fuck I'll probably watch it on the flight back as well.

[joshcockroft2]

[intladv]

I just feel like I’ve never been enough for anyone on the first round. Sure, people come back realizing their “mistake” and ask for a second choice. But I’ve never been good enough for any of you to make you stay at first. And that hurts. Because I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I never know what it is that makes people so willing to leave and then come back. I want to feel like I’m wanted from the get go, I want to feel like I’m worthy of winning in the first round.

But even with you it wasn’t this way. And I know I wasn’t the best in the beginning but I still don’t know what I did to drive you away, to make someone so willing to run into someone else’s arms then so willing to run back to me. And I realize that I allowed that, and I was okay with it at first, and I’ve said countless times that I’m going to let it go. But I can’t. Because I still feel second best. Because regardless of the situation, I was still an option and not chosen on the first round. Yeah you came around, but that was after you hurt me and made me think I wasn’t enough. Just like everyone else. And I don’t know what I need to do to be enough. Do I need to lose weight? Do I need to talk less? Do I need to be someone else entirely?

I just want someone that chooses me on the first round, and continues to choose me. Because I’m worthy. Even though right now I don’t feel like I am, even though I’ve never actually been made to feel like I am. I want to be chosen. I want someone to see me and not want to explore other options. I want to be it.

I love you beyond words but I still don’t feel enough. Because from the beginning I was a consolation prize after she didn’t work out. Because I wasn’t enough to keep you from running back into her arms. I just want to feel like I’m worth it for you, but I’m afraid that no matter what happens now, the past is the foundation for our future. I will always remember you choosing her over me. Just like everyone else has. And no matter what you say, those images will never leave my head. I want to be happy, but everything comes back to haunt me. I don’t know what else to do, because I’ve tried it all and nothing is enough to erase the pain I’ve felt for all these months.

I just want to be enough, but I’ve never been.

[godsnameisjoy]

Strength

Date : 29 March 2019

Duration : 18 minutes at bedtime.

Depth :

‘Am proud of those 18 minutes ! The last 3-4 minutes from those 18 minutes were past midnight. That’s why I am proud. I nearly fell asleep with the meditation app in place but the timer still not clicked on. While waiting to sit straight up ‘in a moment’, I could very well have fallen asleep after a loud and long evening. It was an event organised by my child’s school that ate up my attention.

Just to have founded a habit to straighten one’s spine for meditation despite unusual activity prior to the session, is a blessed thing. Within the session there were paused breaths and a handful of suspended breaths. It’s when the suspended breaths came along, my mind couldn’t last the powerful suggestions from the deep subconscious. The suggestion to sleep is a strong temptation.

When one moves meditation levels from the conscious to the shallow, the suggestion to sleep has to be overcome. When one moves from the shallow subconscious towards the deep subconscious, the urge to sleep has to be overcome. Now, I seem to be moving levels from the deep subconscious to the bed of the subconscious sea. With a little more of meditation muscle, I’ll be able to remain anchored in that part of the subconscious that doesn’t indulge in dreaming. May God and Guru bless my efforts.

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

Oh I got an unconditional offer for my first choice university by the way