Nueva Vida

[intladv]

I just feel like I’ve never been enough for anyone on the first round. Sure, people come back realizing their “mistake” and ask for a second choice. But I’ve never been good enough for any of you to make you stay at first. And that hurts. Because I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I never know what it is that makes people so willing to leave and then come back. I want to feel like I’m wanted from the get go, I want to feel like I’m worthy of winning in the first round.

But even with you it wasn’t this way. And I know I wasn’t the best in the beginning but I still don’t know what I did to drive you away, to make someone so willing to run into someone else’s arms then so willing to run back to me. And I realize that I allowed that, and I was okay with it at first, and I’ve said countless times that I’m going to let it go. But I can’t. Because I still feel second best. Because regardless of the situation, I was still an option and not chosen on the first round. Yeah you came around, but that was after you hurt me and made me think I wasn’t enough. Just like everyone else. And I don’t know what I need to do to be enough. Do I need to lose weight? Do I need to talk less? Do I need to be someone else entirely?

I just want someone that chooses me on the first round, and continues to choose me. Because I’m worthy. Even though right now I don’t feel like I am, even though I’ve never actually been made to feel like I am. I want to be chosen. I want someone to see me and not want to explore other options. I want to be it.

I love you beyond words but I still don’t feel enough. Because from the beginning I was a consolation prize after she didn’t work out. Because I wasn’t enough to keep you from running back into her arms. I just want to feel like I’m worth it for you, but I’m afraid that no matter what happens now, the past is the foundation for our future. I will always remember you choosing her over me. Just like everyone else has. And no matter what you say, those images will never leave my head. I want to be happy, but everything comes back to haunt me. I don’t know what else to do, because I’ve tried it all and nothing is enough to erase the pain I’ve felt for all these months.

I just want to be enough, but I’ve never been.

[intladv]

NJ

Ive never felt this way before. It’s almost like one day cannot pass without my heart being heavy and weighing me down. I really thought I was happy, and I want (wanted?) to be. But everything that’s happened has made me more miserable every time.

This is not even on anyone else but me. My mental and emotional health have suffered so much throughout the years and I have been mindless enough to not tend to it. So everything has built up, from the first time I wa made to feel like I was not enough to the daily reminders I receive today of the same thoughts.

More than anything I want to be happy for me, I wish I could just shake the thoughts and feelings away and pursue the things that make me happy. But somehow the more I go through life the more lost I feel, and now I don’t even know who I am.

[anlatfiruze]

[intladv]

I can’t wait for the day when I feel like I’m enough.

[intladv]

NJ

I often find myself in this same situation. I am at this stage where I want to move forward but everything in my body is telling me not to. Everything in my heart and mind is telling me to doubt every word that is said, every action made, and I can’t just let that go.

I care too much. Always. I care too soon, and thats always my issue. So now the only way to change that is to suppress my thoughts and feelings, because as unfair as that is, it is still not as bad as trying to rush someone else to think and feel the things I am.

So I’m taking a step back, for the sake of myself and my mental and emotional well-being. And I’ve said this before but this is why I want to make a statement about it, I want to speak it into existence, because this time I have to do it.

Say bye to the person that I thought you wanted and hello to the one you’ve managed to push out of me.

[intladv]

Berlin. Day 88.

Again? Really?

A few days ago you told me about how you wanted to be serious. A few days ago you basically made us official. But you’re still thinking about her? You’re still looking at her page? 

A few hours ago you blamed me for thinking that I’m always gonna be second, that there’s always gonna be something happening behind my back. And you were doing it. How mischievous do you have to be to do that? How can you play he victim while doing the exact thing you are telling me I need to stop stressing.?

This is the....god I actually don’t know how many times I’ve cried over you. It’s been almost a year, and since she’s been back my life has been nothing but a constant rollercoaster, based on when you decide to drop me or pick me back up. 

I don’t think I can do it anymore. 

I’ve told you countless times, if you’re unsure, please leave. 

This is my last time.

[intladv]

Berlin. Day 75

And backwards we go, yet again. I feel like every step we take forward makes me go 10 backwards. Not us, just me. I wish I could tell you all these things I feel, I wish I could look you in the eyes and explain to you how I feel and why I act the way I do. But you’re 3,000 miles away and I can’t. 

So, I guess I’ll write you a letter that you probably will never read. 

I hope one day you understand me. And that one day you get why I am the way I am. And if not, I hope one day I find someone who will.

[intladv]

I had never cried this much over a person... yet I stay. Why?

[intladv]

Berlin. Day 67

We’ve been in such a good place. Having you here was one of the highlights of an entire semester that has been filled with incredible experiences. After our talk, and after I was able to let my walls down even if just for a bit, I am starting to feel like I can see this going further, and going well even. I like your presence, I like your company, I like the way you make me feel and the way I can make you feel, and I hope that you like all these things too. 

I miss you more than I’m willing to admit, my bed feels cold and my room empty, and every time I come home I wish I could come to your arms like I did for that little while. I don’t want to admit it to myself, but I am falling for you, and I am becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of you as a part of my life that becomes more and more permanent. 

Right now as I reminisce on all of our good times together here, I forget for a fleeting second of my fears about this new thing we might be embarking on. So for now, I am not afraid, but I do pray that you will not prove me wrong and do everything that subconsciously I fear you will do. 

I hope you learn to love me and I learn to love you, with no boundaries and no ghosts. Just you and me. 

[intladv]

Berlin. Day 59

I don’t know what I’m fighting for anymore. Every thing that you do that veers from the ideal just reminds me of your other mistakes, and inevitably brings me back to the one thing I really wish I could forget. The past few days have been great and I’ve appreciated getting to actually spend them with you and bring things further. But the questions always fucking remain.

I don’t know if I can trust you. Every wrong step just makes my mind wander off into an endless spiral that always ends in the same spot. “i’m not enough”. And there are other things in your mind. And there are other people in your mind. And I’m still not fucking enough to make you smile and think of the good parts of the day instead of focusing on the bad. My presence is still not enough for you to feel happy and energized. I am just still not enough to make you happy.

But I don’t know what else I could do. I can see you’re trying and I am trying too but I don’t think you can move past some things and neither can I. I want to be able to talk to you and have you understand the horrible pressure I feel in my heart. But I can’t because I don’t know how to put into words and you still don’t know me enough to be able to read it off of my face.  

I wish I could move on from everything and be happy with you and what we have. But I just can’t stop wondering, and you seemingly can’t stop making me feel like, I just won’t be enough. 

[intladv]

Amsterdam. Day 43

I keep on thinking, should I miss you? The way he misses her makes me think of the times I missed you, and makes me wonder... should I miss you?

Youre no longer on my mind, except when things like this come up. And I’m sorry but I don’t want to miss you, I want him to miss me. So I just get twisted thoughts of maybe I should miss you so it evens out but...that’s not what I want.

What scares me is that he’s not able to move on, just like you weren’t able to move on from me. And that upsets me because the person I want isn’t the person that wants me. Do we only get one person that becomes so obsessed and deeply attached to us? Or do we get a do over? And does the new person make us forget the old one?

Mainly I miss the idea of what was possible with our feelings. An attachment that knew no bounds and a love that didn’t know how to stop. And fuck I want to feel that again, but I want them to feel it with me.

[intladv]

Berlin. Day 34

Hard to put things into words when you don’t even know what’s going on. I know I should stop looking but I can’t help it. And when I find the things I do my heart shatters in so many more ways than I could explain.

I hate it because I can’t talk to you about it. I can’t make it a grown conversation because the way I’m finding out is childish, but I. Can’t. Help it. I hate that I’ll never be able to talk it through because you don’t know.

Im mad by myself, and I’ve chosen to end this relationship by myself.

[intladv]

I hate Valentine’s Day, I hate every day, I just wish I could be alone and never have anyone hurt me anymore.

[intladv]

Berlin. Day 32

If you can’t claim me, then you don’t want me. I hate being lied to, and being made to believe that things are rose colored when they are not. You’re not ready to move on, because you refuse to show it in front of her. You want to continue this front of being lonely and alone, probably in hopes of her coming back. I fucking hate that I read into things the way I do but how could I not when I have done the same in the past? How could I not when my exes have done the same in the past?

This twisted game that you’re playing is not for me. You think you’re the victim, but that gives you no right to have a victim of your own.

If you want me, show it. If you don’t, stop wasting my fucking time.

[intladv]

Berlin. Day 26

I can’t pin point what attracted me to you so deeply and heavily. I just know I want you around. Whether it’s seeing your smile or hearing your laugh, I just want to be around that.

But im stopping myself along the way. Because I’ve fallen too hard before and the recovery process is not something I could do again. So for now, I enjoy your presence, I enjoy your calls and voice, I enjoy the effort you put forth. I’m wishing with all my soul that it continues that way. And that you stay true to your word, and have that word be us.

Shit’s been hard for a while now, but somehow despite all the problems and baggage, when we’re good it feels so easy.

So here’s to hoping.

[intladv]

Copenhagen. Day 19

Mixture of emotions. I think about you often, and when I do, I feel happy. But I think about the issues sometimes too, and when they come up, the happiness fades away.

Missing you and wanting to be with you is taking on these feelings of dread that seemingly never go away. And as much as I want you, I don’t know how much I can take. I don’t know how much you want me.

I’m only scared to think about the possibility of history repeating itself. Of things going the same way again, and feeling the same horrible things I felt before. So I continue to build up a skin day by day to avoid this but I also grow more attached to you simultaneously. I’m scared of what the future holds, and I’m scared about what it means for me.

I pray I’m making the right decision, when I choose to trust you.

[intladv]

Berlin. Day 11

I’ve finally acknowledged that I deserve the sun, the moon, and the stars. Now, I want to work to get to a place where I can, and will be okay with, doing it for myself. I don’t need to wait for someone else to value me, I got me.