Apr 23
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Remember, money and education give what romance promises.
I was told growing up that I didn’t have to involve anybody or include them in my life if I didn’t like them or approve of their choices; I just had to be cordial, and so I do that to this day. I don’t do the overly familiar, uncomfortably friendly, American act and then speak about how much I dislike people behind their backs either, and I’ve never cared enough to want to do that.
I am who I am; I’m loved and supported by my friends and by my family; I make new social connections with ease; and while my personality is abrasive and my humor dry, it’s endearing to those that know me well. I am not interested in being inclusive for the sake of being inclusive, nor am I interested in or willing to make accommodations for people so that my life is more accessible. If they can’t keep up, they’re getting left behind, and that’s okay. Not everyone is meant to have access to certain people, and I’m not interested in prioritizing people who need me to act differently so that they can enjoy knowing me or accommodating them because they struggle to keep up or don’t fit into my lifestyle. I don’t make an effort to spend time around those who I pity, dislike, have no interest in knowing, or disapprove of, and I don’t have to either.
I don’t live with a fear of being called out or cancelled because the people who I love, the people I want to get to know, and the people that matter to me tend to hold similar opinions. I don’t worry about what other people think of me, I don’t involve myself in the lives of people I don’t want to know, and I make myself inaccessible to people I don’t believe need to have access to me. My life is for me; it’s something for me to enjoy, and while I try to be reasonably openminded, not everyone needs an opportunity to shoot their shot at me, beg me to validate them, or try and befriend me. If someone wants to live a life where everyone is welcome, good for them, but that’s not something I want for myself.
There are two types of people in this world: people who take being part of a community seriously and people who don’t. I’d advise aligning yourself with the former group and making an effort to build lasting friendships.
I’ve always been told that major life events magnify people. Your supportive friends will support you, your kind friends will be kind to you, your responsible friends will be responsible, your dramatic friends will be dramatic, and your flaky friends will flake on you. The difference between genuine and temporary relationships will become clear as your life progresses.
If you want to be a part of a community, and you’re willing to do the labor that it requires, surround yourself with people who are looking for the same and who are passionate about being a part of something too You won’t ever be welcomed into a sisterhood, a community, or a social group if you aren’t willing to give, and if you aren’t putting forth the time and effort it takes to build new relationships and maintain old ones, you’ll never have the connections you want.
Nothing is difficult if you set your mind to it. People just overcomplicate things because they can’t comprehend that they’re autonomous beings who can, in fact, decide they’re going to do or have something and then make it happen. If you set your mind on doing something or know something is meant for you, it’s yours. You just have to be willing to go out and get it.
I mean, if you’re not setting grandiose goals or limiting yourself to an unrealistic amount of time, then anything is possible. I just think that people get so caught up in their own minds that they don’t think about their potential or ability to make things work.
Women are far more resilient, resourceful, confident, and intelligent than we think we are. Unfortunately, we tend to underestimate ourselves instead of believing that we are, in fact, capable of doing the things we fear doing. I also think a great many of us don’t want to be seen as people who have their hands out or have been dissuaded from asking for help or what we believe we deserve, and so we choose to struggle and depend on ourselves to get what we want instead of asking and suffering the indignity of being denied or humiliated.
When you can’t read social skills accurately, you can’t depend on your own interpretation of how other people perceive you. I see this a lot with women who clearly struggle with confidence but try to imitate it; they almost always come off as arrogant, and they’re shocked when they hear what people have to say about them when they’re not around or when someone slips up and admits that they held a bad view of them at one point. I’ve met people who don’t have autism but they come off as so socially awkward, self obsessed, and isolated that people meet them and think that they do.
I also think that many young women don’t know how to socialize with each other, much less socialize with older people, professionals, or men. When isolated, your social skills begin deteriorating, and it becomes harder and harder to interact with others the further you retreat from in-person interaction and the longer you stay away from social situations, the more your brain acclimates to being alone. Social skills are just that, a skill, and you have to use them frequently to keep them, put yourself in new situations and around new people to improve them, and push through your fear of rejection and your social anxiety and just live.
People can’t listen, they don’t think before they speak, they interrupt, they don’t bother asking questions or showing curiosity in others, they don’t remember details, they bully or belittle people because they think it’s “cute” or “funny”, they treat real life interactions like the comments section on a viral TikTok, they talk too much about themselves and try to reroute conversations back to the things they’re comfortable with, they’re uncomfortably negative, they’re insecure, they’re competitive, they’re aggressive, they're inappropriate, they don’t have anything substantial to say, they turn people off, and they don’t fully understand why people see them as insufferable.
You have to have a certain level of self-awareness in order to better your social skills; people don’t want to blame themselves for their own missteps or failings, and while it’s easier to think that everyone else is the problem, you won’t get anywhere if you’re unable to see that it wouldn’t hurt you to improve in certain areas. Body language also plays a role in how others view you; you might not think that it matters too much, but if you hold yourself like you’re angry or you look aggressive, do you really think that people will go out of their way to be around you? You have to put in effort, avoid isolation, and spend time around people; it takes serious work to improve and maintain your social skills.
I hate to glaze Trump BUT the one thing I will say is that the term “art of the deal” is genius. Now, I sincerely doubt he came up with it on his own, but the sentiment is correct: if you really want something, you should be willing to figure out ways to wheel, deal, and make it happen. As a woman, one of the best things I ever learned how to do was negotiate for myself and become comfortable with speaking up for myself, not apologizing for asking for more, and negotiating with people who would normally intimidate me. It’s all a skill, and because it’s a skill, you have the opportunity to get better at it as you age. You don’t wake up one day with the ability or the confidence to go out and get what you want; you have to be willing to fail, practice, learn, and become better as you move forward in life.
Most women have also been groomed into believing that they don’t deserve things, and honestly, one of the most important things my mother has ever taught me is that I need to pick up the phone and call or write out a professional cold email so that I get the chance that I’m rightfully entitled to. I’ve trained my brain so that instead of being ashamed for wanting more, I think “why not me?” and proceed. Anyway, back to my original point, dealing is an art, and it’s an art you can learn. I have an anon in my main inbox right now asking about how I got my financial aid offer, and the reality of it is that when I got all of my updated offers, got off waitlists, and had my updated decisions in hand again, I got to calling and cold emailing so that I could get the best offer possible. Everyone told me that it’s a seller’s market right now, but that didn’t stop me from using what I had and making sure I got a much better deal.
People have also become weirdly ashamed to bargain, and I don’t know if it’s societal pressure or what, but we live in a society where negotiating and bargaining have been part of our lifeblood for centuries; why are you ashamed to be getting a better price? You have to be willing to put yourself out there and get it done; no one in this world can read your mind, and closed mouths don’t get fed. You have to advocate for yourself and your financial interests and learn when you’re being taken advantage of by businesses and people.
Avoid people who look at every aspect of life through an oppressor/oppressed view. You are not oppressed, you don’t need to be surrounded by people who encourage you to infantilize yourself, and your world widens when you believe you’re an autonomous human being and you use your critical thinking skills. Take responsibility for yourself, log out, grow up, live life, fuck up and learn from it, stop complaining, and realize that choosing to be a victim is choosing to be a loser.
