#3deep5me

[bljadifullife]

[bljadifuldiary]

19. November

Wieso fühlt sich wieder alles so schwer an?

Heute früh habe ich noch Kraft gehabt, um einkaufen zu gehen und dann ist allmählich alles dunkler geworden.

Gespräche mit einem Freund haben auch nicht mehr geholfen, nur das Gefühl nicht dazu zugehören.

Dann eine Panikattacke aus der ich zum Glück schnell wieder entkommen bin. Ich hasse dieses Gefühl, dem Tode so nah aber auch so fern zu sein.

Einziger Lichtblick heute ist Wrestling zu schauen, weil es mir das Gefühl gibt irgendwo Kind zu sein. Vielleicht sehe und höre ich dich später nochmal.

[alledherlu-q-pereon]

Making 1,000 words meaningful is easy. Making 10 words meaningful is hard as fuck.

[the-pottydactyl]

by CautionVeryDank

https://www.reddit.com/r/dankmemes/comments/6wah4u/so_sad/

[biot08]

I have no voice

I have a rich inner emotional life. It is mostly anxiety, true, but it is also other things. I have looked at the swirls of cottonwood fluff in the air, and felt sublime joy. I have cried over the beauty of finally understanding a particular equation. I get angry at perceived injustices, and I can be grumpy but accepting of perceived inconveniences. I can smile at someone else's happiness. I experience schadenfreude; and find it embarassing that I do.

I have a deep inner monologue. I often ruminate over the petty, it is true. And I often obsess over personal faults, concerned that I did not say the right thing the right way. I have arguments in my head, where of course I am always right. But I also think about the nature of symbols in our language, and what they mean for us as a species. I can look at my cat, and know that it can never understand calculus; and then wonder what truths I can simply never understand because of the limitations, not of who I am, but of what I am. I think about what it means to be human. I build moral systems, choosing axioms and first principles, and try to draw conclusions.

Today I was thinking that I have not met very many people who I think I could have conversations with these things about. But I also realised, that if I met myself, I could not have these conversations with myself, because I have no voice. I do not know how to open myself up, to share and be shared. I do not know how to put my inner experiences to words that others will find meaningful. Likewise, I barely know how to be -still-, and to absorb when someone else opens themself to me.

When faced with another, I only know how to look at the outside of things. Maybe that is all any of us can do. But I cannot help but think that it is possible to read accurately between the lines, to see the blurred edges, and to connect with one another, and fully take part in the shared human experience.

I have no voice, and I do not know how to listen.

Perhaps with this blog, I can remedy one of these two things.

[bljadifullife]

[bljadifullife]

[bljadifullife]