The healing is not my fault but it is my responsibility. It’s wild how almost everything on this list I feel, know I’ve faced (am facing,) or I’ve worked past. Most of them I’m still working on.
Guilt
I really don’t feel guilt about anything. I used to have inklings of survivor’s guilt. Well, I guess I’ve obsessed over guilt when I’ve done something I know I shouldn’t have or wish I could’ve made better choices - I thought that was just human tho.
Feel Abandoned
Very often I do feel abandoned if I’m not invited somewhere or introduced to someone. I notice this most in my intimate relationships - if they go out and I’m not invited (knowing that we both need our individual time and space and wanting that... but also feeling as though I want to feel important enuf to also be invited even if I’m not too keen on the folk.) A handful of times I can also recount where I felt abandoned or betrayed by my partner of the time because they chose a different outing instead of one with me. If I’m out in a crowd or group of people and I see people talking I usually think they’re talking about me or judging me. If someone doesn’t talk to me or say hi I automatically think that they hate me or something - although there are cases of envy, jealousy and what not it’s not the case every time. Over Responsible
Over responsible, I’ve felt this in my personal relationships; family, friends and lovers. Like I need to constantly go the extra mile to provide things that will make their life easier - even though it’s something that they should and can handle by themselves. Obsessively Worry What Others Think Of You
I fasho obsessively think about what other people may think of me. That’s one of the major things I want to change about my mind frame - to not give a fuck and just be me 1000%. From what I wear, what I do, where I go, how I dance, what I say, what I create, etc etc. I owe it to my younger Self, present Self and future Self to just let it all hang out and BE. Even now as I type this on my Tumblr with 0 followers or onlookers I’m editing what/how I say something with the other in mind.
Never Feel Good Enough
I used to never feel good enough but this is definitely something that I have moved past. There might still be moments and triggers but for the most part I know that I good enough and in some instances more than good enough.
Immature Dysfunctional Parents All 4 of my parents were immature to to an extent and definitely dysfunctional but doesn’t mean they were without love and care - one set of parents struggled with addiction issues and the other set of parents were very young when they took guardianship of me. So, they were really kids themselves trying to raise a highly traumatized child. You Feel Stuck And Don’t Know How To Change It Been here way too many times. The feeling is in my chest a bit - these past 3 years I’ve felt this; knowing I didn’t want to stay in the situation or city I was/am in. I’m to a point now where I’m making changes - I got a 2nd job to aid in paying things off so I can save up for my own place and car. I’m working out, getting my body and mind back, creating a routine that works for me. You Cling Or Push People Away Yeah, this is a major one I’m really still trying to manage and figure out. It’s almost as if I’ve spent so much of my life pleasing others, chasing others that I want them to please me and chase me even if I push them away. It’s like I’m almost testing people to see how much they really care or love me (?) But I know sometimes when I really just want to be held and nurtured I end up pushing people away that try to do that. Then there are moments where I am clingy to a person when I was just pushing them away. And now that I’m typing this out it reminds me of my relationship with my biological mom - I don’t think she intended to push and pull but that’s what the addiction did to her and since my birth it’s been engrained in me in a way. I know it’s very possible to undo that pattern and create a new one. It’s mandatory at this point especially with how I want to create meaningful, lasting relationships with friends, family and lovers. I need to learn how to accept and receive without worrying if they’re going to leave. Rocky, Unfulfilling Relationships I’ve definitively had my fair share - more than the good, solid and stable ones. Working on this majorly because I’m ready for a peaceful, emotionally intelligent and unconditionally partnership in love. You Stay When You Should Go Yeah. It’s like, I have to see it through and if there’s anything else I can do I want to do it. But no, I know it’s not beneficial for my mental or physical health. Working on this, and I mean in a way all these things work together. When I learn to heal the root then theoretically all these things should change/heal as well.
