#41624

[alyisdead]

my sister’s birthday is coming up and the grief is fucking unbearable, the pain and trying to wrap my head around her being gone and how she suffered, is so excruciating; I’d rather have my appendix burst again than continue to go through this. i hate this. i hate that she isn’t here, it’s not fair.

seeing people with their siblings is fucking rough. i think my heart broke the most is watching Clipse make a return. dyamon was my pusha t to my malice. i cannot describe how much i miss my baby sister, how guilty and angry i feel, and the fact ill never be able to fully apologize and make it better between us.

i dont know if heaven or the afterlife is real - i dont believe hell is real, here on earth is hell - but i do hope after we die that we get to reunite with our loved ones who went away before us and get to be together again, and then dissolve into the ether. i hope wholeheartedly that just for a moment i get to see my sister again, hug her and hold her hands, because i loved her hands, and tell her how much ive missed her and how happy i am to see her again. if i can’t be whole and have peace here in life, i can only hope that ill be able to have it once i see her again.

[alyisdead]

it feels like every day gets harder and harder to get through

the grief is physically, emotionally, and mentally draining

thinking about continue to breathe when she isn’t hurts beyond belief

it hits me every single day

there will be no mending of our friendship that sisters should have

no more jokes

no more secret languages and looks

no more secret handshakes

no more sharing funny clips and videos

no more laughter that we both share

no more concerts

no more remembering the past shows we went to and feeling lucky we got to see our favorite bands

no more sharing new music from our favorite bands

no matching tattoos

no more singalongs

no more drives

no more deep talks

no more hugs

i can’t hold your hand anymore - that hurts the most

with my sister, all of my memories and joys and our future plans went with her

i love my little sister but goddamn did she hurt me.

she really gutted me with her choices.

I wasn’t perfect, I was far from a good sister

I wasn’t there when I should have been

and now my sister is gone and all that’s left is me

everyone in my family has someone - partner, sibling, friends

but me.

im just here and I didn’t expect to continue to live without my sister so soon

dyamon, you really fucking hurt me. you hurt me so bad. im not angry with you, i feel sympathy and sadness for you because you couldn’t fight off the demons that let alcohol take over your life. and i probably hurt you by ignoring you…i just hated the person you became when you drank, that wasn’t you, I couldn’t handle the person you became when you drank.

i want you to get better for yourself, for mom, because you were more than whatever horrible thing you thought you were. im sorry you never got the life you were meant to have. im sorry our father couldn’t be the father you needed and wanted. im sorry this happened to you.

every single day i wake up and wish it were me instead of you. you were wonderful. the world feels empty without you. you had so much potential, so much you could’ve done, but alcohol killed your spirit and I’m sorry you dealt with that without my support.

i never thought you’d die.

not once did it enter my mind.

you were so strong, you made it through a lot, and im sorry you couldn’t fight and be strong like before.

i miss you every single day.

i think of you everyday, every hour, you’re always on my mind and i pray to whoever can hear me, that they’d just let us go back in time and let me fix things.

im broken hearted.

im empty inside.

there’s an even bigger hole in my heart, life without you here.

i want you back, even for a minute, to tell you how much you are loved and missed and I can’t wait to see you again and give you a hug.

im so glad I didn’t tell you goodbye, only a “I’ll see you later.” because I will see you later, it’s just gonna be a long time from now.

I look forward to it.

[alyisdead]

i wish we could’ve seen fall out boy together one last time

i used to joke, “After I die, I want you to throw my ashes in Pete Wentz’s face.”

i know dyamon would’ve done it, even though i was joking, she probably would try.

[alyisdead]

a little less than a week before my sister’s birthday, shein truly amazed me lol thought it’d look like garbage for being $7. pleasantly surprised.

[alyisdead]

Every single day I miss my sister.

We did not get along in the last 7 years of our time here together - breathing the same air, living in the same home, sharing the same space.

Most of the time she pissed me off beyond belief.

A lot of the time she made living with her like walking on eggshells.

Still, no matter what, whenever she was severely ill and needed help I and my mom were right there.

No matter how cruel, mean, horrible, straight up fucked up to one another, we took care of each other when one of us needed it.

I never got to tell her fully how much I love and care about her.

I never got to tell her how beautiful and smart I think she is.

I never got to tell her how funny and clever she is.

I did tell her that I loved her and I would take care of her as soon as she got home.

I told her how sorry I was for everything I did and did not do that she needed from me.

I stupidly, selfishly, ignorantly believed we had more time to say what we should have said all of those wasted years being bitches to each other.

I regret every single day of those years that I spent mad at her. Every single one.

She was my first and last best friend. She truly knew me but I never truly knew her and I shut her out because of my stupid pride and selfishness.

If you have a sibling you’re angry at, having beef with, squabbling with, having a tiff with, or even just ignoring over something small and petty, please think it about the whole thing and be the bigger person. You may be tired of being the bigger person, as I was, but one last time will make the difference. You don’t want to go days, weeks, months, or even years - like my stubborn ass - not being close to them like you were. Don’t let your sibling think you hate them, that you don’t love them, that you will be okay without them.

Because I am not okay without my sibling.

I’ll never see her again. All she is is ashes now in a box. All I have left are pictures and memories - a chunk of them bad memories that I’d give anything to go back and redo. I would give anything, even whatever time I have left here alive to go back and let all of that bullshit go and make 7 bad years never happen.

Unless your sibling/family member truly hurt you beyond forgiveness, then disregard all of what I’ve written.

But I’m just saying, stupid arguments and fights isn’t worth hating your sibling for a long time - take it from me. You don’t want to be filled with regret and guilt and wondering and asking yourself “what if?”.

Be good to yourself and the people you love who are, and will always be there for you through the good, the bad, and the bullshit.

[alyisdead]

i miss my sister

[alyisdead]

i regret so much

i was too stubborn and angry at her to learn her new likes

too ignorant to be there for her when she was alone

too embarrassed by the amount of time that passed to even say hi to her even though we lived together

why couldn’t i just be a grown up and let that shit go?

why couldn’t i just be her sister, her protector, her best friend like i used to be

why couldn’t i be a grown up and let it all go?

i only got to be with her when she was too sick to take care of herself, and it was because i felt obligated and sad for her

not because i truly wanted to

why couldn’t i get my head out of my own ass and be her big sister like i used to be?

i’d give up anything, anything at all, to have one more hug, one more day, one more inside joke, one more movie night, one more smile, one more i love you and secret handshake

i would give anything to hold her hand again, even for a few seconds

hell, i would give up most anything to even have her yell at me one more time, just as long as i got to see her here with me

if i could see and hold her again, i would tell her how much i love her, how empty my life is without her and i how much i’ll miss her until we’re together again

[alyisdead]

i just really miss my sister

and i wish i could hug her one more time