it feels like every day gets harder and harder to get through
the grief is physically, emotionally, and mentally draining
thinking about continue to breathe when she isn’t hurts beyond belief
it hits me every single day
there will be no mending of our friendship that sisters should have
no more secret languages and looks
no more secret handshakes
no more sharing funny clips and videos
no more laughter that we both share
no more remembering the past shows we went to and feeling lucky we got to see our favorite bands
no more sharing new music from our favorite bands
i can’t hold your hand anymore - that hurts the most
with my sister, all of my memories and joys and our future plans went with her
i love my little sister but goddamn did she hurt me.
she really gutted me with her choices.
I wasn’t perfect, I was far from a good sister
I wasn’t there when I should have been
and now my sister is gone and all that’s left is me
everyone in my family has someone - partner, sibling, friends
im just here and I didn’t expect to continue to live without my sister so soon
dyamon, you really fucking hurt me. you hurt me so bad. im not angry with you, i feel sympathy and sadness for you because you couldn’t fight off the demons that let alcohol take over your life. and i probably hurt you by ignoring you…i just hated the person you became when you drank, that wasn’t you, I couldn’t handle the person you became when you drank.
i want you to get better for yourself, for mom, because you were more than whatever horrible thing you thought you were. im sorry you never got the life you were meant to have. im sorry our father couldn’t be the father you needed and wanted. im sorry this happened to you.
every single day i wake up and wish it were me instead of you. you were wonderful. the world feels empty without you. you had so much potential, so much you could’ve done, but alcohol killed your spirit and I’m sorry you dealt with that without my support.
i never thought you’d die.
not once did it enter my mind.
you were so strong, you made it through a lot, and im sorry you couldn’t fight and be strong like before.
i miss you every single day.
i think of you everyday, every hour, you’re always on my mind and i pray to whoever can hear me, that they’d just let us go back in time and let me fix things.
there’s an even bigger hole in my heart, life without you here.
i want you back, even for a minute, to tell you how much you are loved and missed and I can’t wait to see you again and give you a hug.
im so glad I didn’t tell you goodbye, only a “I’ll see you later.” because I will see you later, it’s just gonna be a long time from now.