The guilt I feel for still being alive is so overwhelming. I have zero reason to still be breathing, especially for 32 years. I have no purpose. Literally none. I should not be here, and I donāt know why I still am.
My little sister, even as an alcoholic and argumentative as she was, she deserved to be here more than I do. She was somebody, she was wanted and sought for. She was smart, beautiful, so funny, and popular; everyone wanted or was her friend. She had no reason to die; sheās suppose to be here.
I wish more than anything in the world for her to come back and take whatever time I have left on earth. I wish we could trade places - I wish I was the one who had suffered until I died, not her. Iām a waste of a person, a waste of oxygen, Iām nothing. Iām not smart, I barely graduated high school, I have so many issues with being around people, Iām mentally ill, I donāt have anyone who wants or needs me, and never have.
What is the point of me still being here when Iām nothing and my sister was everything, but she went through so much pain and suffering before she died. She didnāt deserve it. She was a good person - when she wasnāt drinking - she did so much for other people, even those who treated her badly, she went out of her way to help better themselves. But for some reason she didnāt want to help herself.
I abandoned her like our piece of shit father did to us, because of the things she lied and claimed I did, and told strangers lies about me. I donāt even know why. Maybe she knew how much of a waste I was and was giving me a heads up that I didnāt deserve any love, not even from family. She hurt me and I hurt her - but my hurting her was worse on her life than it was on mine. Maybe her drinking stemmed from being abandoned by me and our POS father. So, itās more than likely my fault she didnāt care about her health and drank as much as she could and didnāt use her skills and intelligence to make life better for herself.
We didnāt speak like sisters should for 10 years. We lived in the same house, but I would ignore her. I would pretend she didnāt exist because I was so hurt, and then she was an angry drunk that destroyed things if you looked at her in a way she didnāt like or said something that she took as an insult. And it was my fault.
If I had just been the bigger person, like I was always being, then things wouldāve been different. But I was so tired of apologizing first, and I felt like I didnāt have to apologize. I wanted her to apologize to me for once, and to tell me exactly why she hated me and/or what I did to make her turn against me and tell strangers things I never did. I was too stubborn to bow down one more time because we were adults and I wasnāt the one who was spreading lies and slandering her name.
But I should have just did it. One last time, I shouldāve just sucked it up and apologized. We couldāve been close again, we couldāve had our inside jokes again and make more, we couldāve taken pictures together instead of just having the few from over 10 years ago, we couldāve bonded over movies and music again, we couldāve gone to more concerts together, we couldāve made wonderful memories. She would still be here with us. Itās all of my fault.
My family doesnāt say it, but I can feel it. They know what I know - I shut her out, didnāt talk to or about her, didnāt protect or look out for her, I didnāt care about anything she did unless it was hurting others. I didnāt care and my family knows, and Iām sure they blame me more than anything. Yes, my sister chose to drink, but it was more than likely because she felt like she had no one, especially at home, except our mom. She didnāt have me to just be her sister and hang out with her - do things close sisters do; our older sister has her own life, she has a husband and kids, a house and a job, so she doesnāt have time to relax and be with us, or be with my sister.
I was here and I shouldāve known that my pride and my anger and my stubbornness wasnāt healthy. It wasnāt good. It never was. I donāt know why I didnāt fix things after so long because none of it matters now. I think deep down I still felt like I was owed an apology; and I hated who she was when she drank and didnāt want to be around her that way.
Now that sheās gone, Iād give anything to be around her drunk or not. I would love for her to be alive and angry and smashing things than wearing a ring with her ashes in it. She didnāt deserve to die. She didnāt deserve to be turned into ashes and put in a box. It should be me, not her.
Sheās missed beyond words can express. So many people feel lost without her here, even me. Life is upside down without her here. Life wouldnāt change a bit if I had died instead of her; no one would notice or care - theyād feel bad, but thatās it. My family would be okay without me; my family isnāt and doesnāt feel okay without her here. We all feel empty, we all miss her, we all cry at least once a day since she died, and itās hard to talk about the future without silence and remembering my sister wonāt be here to celebrate, make jokes, cook something, or just be there.
The last month has felt like a lifetime. I canāt even imagine continuing on in years feeling like this.
I wish I hadnāt spent the last 10 years acting like I would be okay if I never saw her again, because now that I really wont ever see or hear or touch her again. 28 years with her was not long enough, I took those years for granted. I always believed I had more time.
The guilt and the anger towards myself will never end.
I deserve it for how I treated her. I need to live with it now.
