#5:16am

[ajyal-azez]

أتذكرك مع كل لحنٍ يدق قلّبي كغناء.

[hyuuukais]

etrgifisooa

[neonbluestopsigns]

I wanna kill him off. But I order to do that I would have to kill myself too. And I’m not gonna do that. So I guess I’ll have to deal with it.

[k00llife]

Another Valentine's Day

It’s about to be two years since that faithful weekend in the holiday inn. The weekend where our relationship was at its peak and also when it plummeted. Those four days trapped with you in a hotel room because of the snow storm I can never forget. I still remember the smell of your hair as you laid on my chest. The jokes we made with each other as we watched prime time television. The play fights we had that always lead to sex.All the dominoes we ordered to keep our bellies full because everywhere else was closed. The mornings of me waking up to your funky morning breath but still kissing you anyway. The nights of us making love like there was no tomorrow. The feeling of your tight pussy gripping my dick as I thrusted in you. I can never forget the moans you made as you called out my name. The moments after when i played in hair as you slept. Gazing at your beauty with nothing but love in my eyes. Day dreaming about the future I wanted to have with you. Thinking about how I still couldn’t believe that you were with me and I felt like the luckiest man. I try not to think about what happened after that weekend. The fights that we had, the frustration I felt. From the moment you told me I had mixed feelings. I wanted you to keep the baby I wanted to be a father for our child. I had nothing, no job still in school and you lived four hours away. I knew it wasn’t going to work out four our child, we where just some dum college kids who fell in love. Even though we both came to the agreement I still felt like a piece of shit. I wanted to be there for you with every ounce of my being. I wanted to hold your hand, tell you everything was going to be ok. I can only imagine the pain you felt as everything I wanted was crushed and thrown away. Not having anyone there for you, I can never forgive myself. The irony of it all was I had just got offered a new job and I was going to be making money to support us both but it was too late, too fucking late. Now it’s two years later I have new job, and all I see all day is new born babies. I have everything we needed but I don’t have either of you. Now another Valentine’s Day will come and go and I’ll always remember that weekend we had. That was the last time I felt anything the last time I was whole.

[ajyal-azez]

على الفجر الذي يشرق في الساحات، أن يشمل روحيّ معها.

[supernova20202]

2020.5.30

[flaccidtits]

could you imagine if i was sleeping

[onelampost]

words i never got the chance to say.

it is august 1st 2018 5:16 am and i am lying here awake trying to come up with a decent way to begin writing this. i dont know how long this may take me to write, who it will be regarded towards, or when, that is if, it will ever been seen in ones eye.

i often reminisce of the good memories ive experienced in my life. it tends to be easier to focus on the good rather than the bad after a person experiences hardship. i think about what it would be like to talk to you again, the words i would choose, how i would phrase them. i think about getting choked up as i try to speak seeing as how you intimidate me in ways i cannot explain. i dont want to be afraid. i dont want to be passive or entitled. i haven’t lived half of my life yet and for me to walk around acting as if i know everything is incredibly insulting to say the least. i need to listen to others rather than make impulsive judgements. i see where i have failed in my past relationships and i see that as only a way to grow stronger. knowing you and the state you were in i would see how it would be hard for you to reciprocate that feeling. i wish i could have helped you in more ways than i did. i wish i could have had the opportunity to flourish and show you who i truly am and feel inside. i hope that in light of it all i served as some stepping stool of growth for you. i didn’t want to be pushed away, and considering how you had troubles with trust, you inevitably did exactly that to me, whether you realized or not.

i still dream of you. not a day goes by where i am not thinking of you. i think of multiple alternate realities in which things could have gone differently. i ache as i check my phone for messages that are never there, hoping, wishing that your name will pop up and you will explain to me how you are feeling. i think about what it would be like to drive by your apartment and see if the light in your bedroom would be on. i imagine you sensing my presence and immediately rushing outside to join me in a warm embrace. i dont know if you hate me. i dont want you to. thats something i always feared. i think about seeing you at a stoplight, at the grocery store, on the highway. i cant leave my home without thinking that im going to run into you at any moment, it has made me homebound. i think about how fast you move on, and how different you must feel because im gone. i think if you still love me.

its hard to find the words to finish this without feeling like im rambling about nothing into open space without getting a response. the sky is slowly turning a lighter shade of blue now and every moment that passes by i find it harder to drift to sleep. i feel as though i wont be able to stop loving you no matter how hard i try. you have helped me feel again, something i couldnt do for years. you have helped me discover things about myself i didnt even know.

where do i go from here?