RMH
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
Keni
styofa doing anything
One Nice Bug Per Day
No title available
KIROKAZE
occasionally subtle
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
h

❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
AnasAbdin
hello vonnie

No title available

⁂
Today's Document

izzy's playlists!
tumblr dot com
ojovivo
TVSTRANGERTHINGS

seen from Germany

seen from Denmark

seen from United States

seen from United Kingdom
seen from Sweden

seen from United States
seen from Germany

seen from Hong Kong SAR China
seen from Germany

seen from United States

seen from Greece
seen from France

seen from Türkiye

seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from Colombia

seen from United States

seen from United Kingdom
seen from Argentina
seen from United States
@onelampost
Fluidity
In the midst of the nightmares every single night, a dream creeps in restoring all faith i had lost. Now regained to its former potential, is this the improvement i had longed for?
I can barely remember the sight of your face now, trying hard to think as i type- i will not force myself anymore. Regular sleeping and lack of motivation to make myself come to my senses, this is all and everything i need for now.
A dream to restore my faith, to make me feel less crazy. A dream to say “Yes! You finally have your shit in order!”
No longer will i sit here wnd dwell on the aching, heart crushing, emotionally destroying PAIN i have felt for months and months and months ans months.
This is improvement, i know it to be true now.
dump
Having no more doubt
Open wide, serpents come out
Aching my way around
Until my feet crush will on the ground
polysomnography
a lucid dream
is taking control of me
im wanting to go back to sleep
to relieve a horrifying memory
i do
we’ve gone many months without speaking,
but i can go just 3 more.
i can be at peace without you,
words of encounragement i tried to give you.
you cant pretend that because you are going to die in life means that you are already dead.
you must analyze the things you love about life and find purpose and reason to live through that.
“what do you say to someone that doesnt value their life in the slightest?”
these were the hardest times of my life. having to maintain YOUR mental stability while not giving a shit about mine. i put you first before everything in my life. is it cruel to say you didn’t deserve it? was that my purpose? it was hard for you to come to terms with it.
never did i regret or resented you like you did to me.
words i never got the chance to say.
it is august 1st 2018 5:16 am and i am lying here awake trying to come up with a decent way to begin writing this. i dont know how long this may take me to write, who it will be regarded towards, or when, that is if, it will ever been seen in ones eye.
i often reminisce of the good memories ive experienced in my life. it tends to be easier to focus on the good rather than the bad after a person experiences hardship. i think about what it would be like to talk to you again, the words i would choose, how i would phrase them. i think about getting choked up as i try to speak seeing as how you intimidate me in ways i cannot explain. i dont want to be afraid. i dont want to be passive or entitled. i haven’t lived half of my life yet and for me to walk around acting as if i know everything is incredibly insulting to say the least. i need to listen to others rather than make impulsive judgements. i see where i have failed in my past relationships and i see that as only a way to grow stronger. knowing you and the state you were in i would see how it would be hard for you to reciprocate that feeling. i wish i could have helped you in more ways than i did. i wish i could have had the opportunity to flourish and show you who i truly am and feel inside. i hope that in light of it all i served as some stepping stool of growth for you. i didn’t want to be pushed away, and considering how you had troubles with trust, you inevitably did exactly that to me, whether you realized or not.
i still dream of you. not a day goes by where i am not thinking of you. i think of multiple alternate realities in which things could have gone differently. i ache as i check my phone for messages that are never there, hoping, wishing that your name will pop up and you will explain to me how you are feeling. i think about what it would be like to drive by your apartment and see if the light in your bedroom would be on. i imagine you sensing my presence and immediately rushing outside to join me in a warm embrace. i dont know if you hate me. i dont want you to. thats something i always feared. i think about seeing you at a stoplight, at the grocery store, on the highway. i cant leave my home without thinking that im going to run into you at any moment, it has made me homebound. i think about how fast you move on, and how different you must feel because im gone. i think if you still love me.
its hard to find the words to finish this without feeling like im rambling about nothing into open space without getting a response. the sky is slowly turning a lighter shade of blue now and every moment that passes by i find it harder to drift to sleep. i feel as though i wont be able to stop loving you no matter how hard i try. you have helped me feel again, something i couldnt do for years. you have helped me discover things about myself i didnt even know.
where do i go from here?
Dream log #2 {2.9.17}
My brother and i are watching a movie type video game in what seems to be a dark basement/attic. Although i am watching this movie, i am playing the role of the character in the game as well. The avatar we create is a mix of both of ourselves, combining our strengths and abilities. We are tall and have short hair. This movie/game appears to be a fantasy/action game of the sorts, where we go around defeating monsters and such. We are walking around in the dead of night with only a Triton style pitchfork and smarts to survive. We are walking and end up in an area that looks like the dessert area alongside a freeway as we come across a ginormous drawbridge that emits a neon purple/greenish black color. In front of the bridge are two couches where we sit on to wait for the monsters that will come out from the bridge. We wait a cool minute before a man with a skeleton head and cloak around his body comes put from the door; our first enemy. We shove our pitchfork into his head and slam it on the asphalt over and over again repeating the words “you fucking rapist”. This begins to make me wonder what that means but i continue on. Another enemy comes out of the door but he looks different. He has a huge torso and small waist wearing a luchador’s outfit. He has blond hair and crazy eyes and a huge psychotic smile that could only mean trouble. He comes up to us and we begin attacking and he recites crazy words that i don’t remember. He gets really close to our face and starts screaming: “W!!! Yeahhhh W!!!! I know what you are thinking!! W right!!!!” I do not understand these words but i cant stop now so i continue on. Later what i believe is his tactic to luring us into a trap, he reaches for a hug much like how sociopaths lure their victims by making them feel comfortable with them. He reaches for a hug and says the words “Come on joey, lets go home!!!!!” In a crazy tone and while he hugs us, he is jabbing his sword into our chest until you can see it come out the other side. I am still not aware of who “Joey” is and why he was calling me this. Then the game is over and we die and i return to my old self in the attic with my brother staring at the T.V. Screen in shock. I say “well at least its only a dream!” And i wake up. This dream not only scare me, but left me very confused and with many questions hours after i woke up.
and i dont tell them the dream i had the night before. where i punched you so hard you bled. where i kissed you so tenderly i was glowing. when i cried for so long i was swimming in a river of my own tears.
dream log #1 {2.1.17}
last night i dreamt of you and woke up way too soon. i woke up feeling all giddy and bubbly inside and desperately tried to go back to sleep so i could dream of you again. it was so soon but it felt like forever. we were in class when you mumbled something about the shirt i was wearing. that was the start of everything. we continue our days holding hands and spending our time almost never separating. always together never apart. we lay on an unfamiliar couch and i lay on your lap and everything feels just right. we walk to the park in the middle of the night and swing on the swing-sets. we go to the beach at midnight and watch the waves come and go and come and go. we go to convenient stores and waste the couple of dollars we have on candy. when we step out from the convenient store the streets have turned into water and the only way home is a little boat on the water. we ride the boat and its as if it drives itself. although it wasn't real, it felt as if like you had been thinking of me, and our only way of communication was through our dreams; as if you had been dreaming of me the same way i dreamt of you. i wonder if you notice me the way i notice you. i wonder if you think of me too.
its been a long while since i have been on here. i an going to update since its been almost a year. its is January 11th, the year is 2017. i am currently living in colton california in a shabby apartment complex with my mother and my her boyfriend. i am a 10th grader in high school and each day that goes by i begin giving in to the idea that i am a angsty teenager. its so stupid i hate that i do this to myself. / i have had this painful prolonged headache for about 5 days now and i seriously dont know what to do. / yesterday my stupid science teacher who is always getting herself involved in other peoples business and talking trash with students decided to ask me at the end of class "are you okay? is something wrong?" of course i naturally responded with "no nothing is wrong! i am fine!?" nothing was necessarily wrong except that it was the first day back to school and i was feeling very slumped. that was my only problem, but i didnt feel like telling my teacher that i stayed up til 12 the night before. she continued to insist that something was wrong and i continued to insist that nothing was. eventually i had to leave and gave her a friendly "see you tomorrow" goodbye. the point is that even if something was bringing me down, or i was bothered by something, its ultimately none of my teachers business. the only job she had is to teach (hence the word teacher) and sometimes (in the wise words of my best friend elisa) she avoids anything and everything to do so. she constantly talks trash with students daily, she doesnt do her job she would rather make us whip out a text book and make us read it ourselves and do work on that just so she can go back to gossiping with her TA about how stupid she thinks some teenage boys are etc. which i'd like yo add; her TA does no work in this class. the whole purpose of having a TA is to assist the teacher with their needs; hence the word TA (teacher assistant) / i have no further comment on this subject. goodbye for now.
i wish i can unhear/unread things because sometimes i think these things dont bother me but they really do and i slowly start changing the way i do things and the way i carry myself because of this one little thing a person said to me weeks ago. it doesnt even have to be serious it could be a complete joke and i will even understand that and know they are arent being serious! but i still let it bother me. the worst part about this is that i dont even realize i do this until long after i hear about what this one person said to me. i tell myself "it doesnt bother you, it shouldnt bother you, you need to learn to not let these little things destroy you." yet even after i convince myself that, i still manage to find a way to go right back to the top and hate myself for something that is beyond my control. im tired
i am content with how i am feeling things right now. i will sleep comfortable tonight knowing i am light and ethereal inside, i hope this is longlasting
i went out for the first time in a while. it was nice. i tried to take everything in but im not very used to that. seems like everytime i go out with someone for the first time im always shaking. ive decided to keep up with this, even though i know that probably wont happen but one can only try. i need to get my act together. i need to go out more, enjoy the things life has to offer, take more responsibility for myself, stop and take in the little things i have. i also need to fill out the forms to view a therapist. i dont feel completely comfortable with things right now but at least im not full on panic mode. i dont like that of me. i feel at ease, at least for now
tonight im not quiet and i am worried something is going to happen
i rarely ever use this and i think thats what pains me the most, having all of these words on the tip of my tongue and not running water on a faucet. i need to vent these feelings more before i explode
i feel so sick like this whole thing is never ending and i am dead someone take me off this ride before i throw up