words i never got the chance to say.
it is august 1st 2018 5:16 am and i am lying here awake trying to come up with a decent way to begin writing this. i dont know how long this may take me to write, who it will be regarded towards, or when, that is if, it will ever been seen in ones eye.
i often reminisce of the good memories ive experienced in my life. it tends to be easier to focus on the good rather than the bad after a person experiences hardship. i think about what it would be like to talk to you again, the words i would choose, how i would phrase them. i think about getting choked up as i try to speak seeing as how you intimidate me in ways i cannot explain. i dont want to be afraid. i dont want to be passive or entitled. i haven’t lived half of my life yet and for me to walk around acting as if i know everything is incredibly insulting to say the least. i need to listen to others rather than make impulsive judgements. i see where i have failed in my past relationships and i see that as only a way to grow stronger. knowing you and the state you were in i would see how it would be hard for you to reciprocate that feeling. i wish i could have helped you in more ways than i did. i wish i could have had the opportunity to flourish and show you who i truly am and feel inside. i hope that in light of it all i served as some stepping stool of growth for you. i didn’t want to be pushed away, and considering how you had troubles with trust, you inevitably did exactly that to me, whether you realized or not.
i still dream of you. not a day goes by where i am not thinking of you. i think of multiple alternate realities in which things could have gone differently. i ache as i check my phone for messages that are never there, hoping, wishing that your name will pop up and you will explain to me how you are feeling. i think about what it would be like to drive by your apartment and see if the light in your bedroom would be on. i imagine you sensing my presence and immediately rushing outside to join me in a warm embrace. i dont know if you hate me. i dont want you to. thats something i always feared. i think about seeing you at a stoplight, at the grocery store, on the highway. i cant leave my home without thinking that im going to run into you at any moment, it has made me homebound. i think about how fast you move on, and how different you must feel because im gone. i think if you still love me.
its hard to find the words to finish this without feeling like im rambling about nothing into open space without getting a response. the sky is slowly turning a lighter shade of blue now and every moment that passes by i find it harder to drift to sleep. i feel as though i wont be able to stop loving you no matter how hard i try. you have helped me feel again, something i couldnt do for years. you have helped me discover things about myself i didnt even know.
turnnoffyourmind
snowghoul
annaxmalina
izzy806