May 9, 2020
I like this one ALOT better xD
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I like this one ALOT better xD
I found a dandelion in my yard today. There are many folklore superstitions on why people wish on these. My favorite among them...
September 5, 2020 - Day 78
Saw these adorable little fabric pumpkins and I couldn’t resist.
Breath Still, Spine Shakes
Date: 5 September 2020
Duration: 1 hour at 11:12 pm
Depth:
There was an unusual stillness in my meditation tonight. I haven’t experienced this before. The onset of shakings in my meditation practice has changed many things. I never thought that I would get another experience of a forgotten breath and thankfully I do. And I did tonight.
Today, my breathing disappeared many times and for long. That’s what is special about the session tonight. There was purposeful calmness tonight. And the calmness was deep.
Added on the morning of 7th September 2020: To have the spine shaking along with a calmly rested breath is a new occurrence. I am not certain because the super conscious mind space does not register memories. But I have a strong feeling that this happened last night : My breath was suspended but my body shook ! I am going to be watchful when I meditate tonight.
I bathed in sauna and then washed myself in shower. I often relax, drop all worries, stresses, anxiety etc. out in sauna and then it opens me to receive visions and messages. It happened this time too.
After showering, while drying myself, I suddenly had a vision where I was standing at the doorway of very beautiful living room! There was huge fireplace, made of rocks, at the back wall right across me with fire, in front of it was beautiful living room table and in front of it was ivory couch (don’t know why since I don’t like ivory or any white / light gray stuff in interiors etc.)
Anyway! The living room table was decorated so beautifully while there was dim light with fireplace’s fire. Candles were burning on the table, there was flowers and super luxury looking food!
I asked in my mind; “Is this real?” and normally, in visions, unknown male voice replies to me with love and kindness; “This is your future.” but this time, for the first time ever as well, he said; “This is your truth.”
It made me happy! But at the same time I wonder what he meant with my truth. I need to think that some more and, hopefully, I get an answer to that!
Aaah, but all in all, I’m so glad about this vision! I haven’t had them in a LONG time and after being stressed, anxious, pissed etc. because of employment office, this really helped me feel better!
prompt 18, I listened to 17 but didn't write.
What I wish for the others in the group.. or the blessing I give...
Well, I truly wish you never had to experience what you did. However, you have. We all have. I don't want to sugarcoat anything. I hope the way the reality settles to you is the most gentle way it possibly could. I hope it feels like your first stuffed animal and your mother's lullaby singing you to sleep. I hope it feels as gentle as a dream of sitting on a swinging bench in a light breezed, sun kissed, warmed garden. That the hard parts touch only as lightly as the white butterflies on the daisies. To last only as long as it takes to dry your hand after dipping it into the pond. Scratches only as harshly as a squirrel climbing the tree: claws in, moving onward and upward. May the rushes of fear last only as long as the adrenaline that I had as a child when my dad would push me on the swing and I would say, "higher, faster! faster, higher!" What must've been thirty minutes felt like a rocket ship in every single sense. May your rocket ship land and glide and touch down softly.
May you find meaning in the word "love" again. May you know it and understand it again. May you feel protected and safe and cared for. Maybe you feel understood and never alone. May all the food nourish your body and taste so damn good, you forget that you're eating what another can't. May your music be so sweet and joyous and unlock your inner rivers. May you reclaim your life and not be this loss you feel. May you know you are not your pain. May you get to a place where you feel like you're living again, and not just healing from it all. May you know your truth and do it for you, not for what others want you to do or think you should do. May you own your grief as your own grief. May stand by you, firm and strong. May you feel allowed to experience joy and not overthink every single moment. May you be present enough to not analyze who you are or why you're still even here. May you get lost in the wonder of the world and not get pulled back to the sinking rock upon your return. May you no longer hold your head above water but float on top of it and actually want to return to the shoreline when you can and are ready to. May the love you find in others give you so much, regardless if it is simply an effect of the aftermath. May you feel cared for and clean and ridden of your toxins. May you feel hugged and held and so safely here. May you feel your worth and individualism and autonomy. You are not your grief. You are not your pain. May you know these truths. May you wake up with the joy and shine of the day with breakfast waiting for you to make or eat it. May that greeting carry you through your day as you walk in your garden and watch the sun set over the ocean. May you dream holding your stuffed animal to the sound of your mother's lullaby. May you rest so heavenly on earth that you want to do it all again tomorrow.
I love you all very dearly. I do love myself in the ways I need to. I want to love myself in the creative ways I want to. I hope tomorrow brings me this forward. Sweet dreams. Goodnight. I love you so dearly, so so much.
fun fact i’ll never tell you: i’m starting to fixate on sex more and more because even if i always do bad and you always hate me and hurt me afterwards being owned and used by you during it is the only time i feel loved anymore i can handle you being angry and disappointed in me as long as i can feel loved for just a minute or two
yu ever get tired of wanting and trying and doing your best and always being disappointed for no reason