May 7, 2024
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I know you didn't intend it this way, but everything you've said or done today has either stripped me of my autonomy or served as a lecture for how I should change everything about myself. It's "We're gonna go to *x place* and then we're gonne go to *y place* with *x person* and *y person*," never "Hey Oran, would you like to do *x thing* or *y thing*?" It's always "I told you so", never "It's okay, you're still right about ____* I feel like I am one person and she's trying to carve me into another.
My depressive thoughts have turned intrusive, as I struggle toward a positive change in mindset. I learned a lot about self-compassion today, and I'm trying to be kinder and more accepting to myself, but these thoughts keep suddenly appearing in my mind. I actively want to feel better but it seems my own brain is against me. I've been wanting to simply give up for so long, but I know and feel deeply that I can't. I won't. I have goals to work toward. I have a life to live. It's okay that sometimes harsh and depressive thoughts pop into my mind. It is something I will have to live with for a while, if not forever. It's something I can learn to love with. I feel like a lot of people experience this constant bombardment of passive su*c*dality, and I'm sure it starts to feel less true and real over time. For now, I have to remind myself of all the things to live for, all the things I have yet to experience. That keeps me focused on not giving up. I've thought I wanted to d*e for so long, but I'm realizing that I really do want to live. I always have. I just don't want to live in an unsafe environment like the one I was in as a child. I don't want to live in an unaccepting environment, like those I was in as a teenager. I didn't want to live in a constant cloudy, depressive state like the one I have been in for the past six months. I'm finally realizing that it's okay to not want to live in those situations. That's why I moved far, far from my hometown. That's why I'm in a loving and accepting relationship. And that's why I'm trying my damnedest to claw my way out of this depressive episode. I want to live. For her. For me.