#7:49pm

[ajyal-azez]

نحتاجُ صمتً صمتً جديداً من نوع آخر لا نسمة فيه.

[ajyal-azez]

وحده الأمان، أحد سمات الحب.

[scrmngtts]

im gonna send this to him soon...

i dont wanna be with someone who thinks thats its unfair being with me. whats funny is i feel like its unfair for you to ask me all this things when you havent even ask me to be your girlfriend.

you always say "my girl" but you dont even have the courage to own up to it. but now im realizing that maybe youre just telling me that to keep me around. whats stopping you to ask me to be official? is label so important to me? yes it is. i told you before i dont feel certain with you. youre full of uncertainty and i dont like when i dont know whats gonna happen.

you wanna talk about fairness? lets talk about fairness then.

January - you told me its a busy month for you, its an expensive month. blah blah. okay fine! whatever. did you hear stuff from me? no. i accepted that. i didnt say anything cuz i didnt think it was unfair. did i get what i want?? no. our montreal trip. you said youre gonna pay me. wheres the man of his words? i dont think you have the right to tell me ure a man of ur words. atleast i pay you when i say im gonna pay you. anyway doesnt matter now bc i enjoyed that trip with you. i get to spend time with you. did i think it was unfair that i paid for the whole trip? no. bc it was for your bday and as long as we had a fun time thats all that matters. i never once thought it was unfair for me.

February - you told me, "just let me go on my trip. after i come back." you implied youre gonna ask me when you come back. talk about bringing someone up then letting them down real quick. then you come back and thats the first thing on your to do list. suddenly, "youre not ready" suddenly, you need time to learn to be alone. that wasnt fine with me, i told you that. i told you im just gonna move on. you ask for time, you said you werent ready. did i tell you "you werent gonna be ready?" no. i gave you time. i respected your decision. did i think that was unfair for me? yes. but i tried to understand where youre coming from. did i get what i want? no.

also i think if you really like or l someone you wouldnt think of "fairness" that just told me a lot of things on how you see me or how you value this - whatever we have.

remember why im so nervous last saturday when you made plans for us? cuz part of me hoped that youll finally gonna ask me but part of me doesnt wanna be disappointed. guess what happened? news flash! another disappointment. but surprisingly this one didnt bother me that much compared to the other times so i guess im doing great on that department.

i dont go out partying with you, suddenly i get all what i want. also you gave me a short notice, how can i prepare myself for that. i dont like spontaneous plans. if you cudve just given me a weeks notice then i wud say yes.

i dont wanna sleepover, suddenly im the bad person. i dont wanna go home late, suddenly you see it as i dont wanna spend time with you. you always just walk me to the door, you rarely walk me to the subway, and it only happens when were already out or when you have somewhere to go after. do i think that was unfair? do i consider that as you dont wanna spend time with me? no i didnt.

i cant drink that much, suddenly it bothers you. i dont like drinking but i try it for you. every drink is hard for me but i still try but suddenly you see it as i dont try enough that i dont practice.

i was late a couple of times, i didnt know it was such a big deal that youll bring it up until now. you were late sometimes too but its okay for me, as long as you show up. did i think it was unfair? no.

you say i always win, wheres the winning? why dont i feel like im winning.

[skullszeyes]

I heard someone walking around.

Heavy steps.

I checked to see if anyone was in the house next door, but i didn't hear anything.

[killthechaoss]

No one gets it.

I’m definitely not able to turn to everyone about certain things in my life. I don’t want to lie about my life but I also don’t want to have to defend my rhyme or reason. I write what I write. Yeah it has a theme but god damn it just let it be what it is. The only one who doesn’t judge me is Skylar. And Carson. I feel stuck and that’s the thing I fear the most. Idk what to do...

Help 😫😫😭😭😭💔💔💔💔

[kc-travels-west]

i wish i owned this couch !

[hatecontainer]

oop and i feel better again can someone tell me what the fuck my emotions are doing 110% of the time

[onisrn]

Okay I have to fill you in on lots but

This happened today/ right now and I need to write.

So like 10 minutes abbu left and since then I've come upstairs and locked myself in su khalas room and have been crying and listening to surah yasin. I'm crying because I miss him and we were having fun here and he's so nice and I miss him and idk (I can't remember) when he's coming to isloo next.

But before that these guests stayed for I ish u not p much 3 hours (2 hrs 45 mins ish). 3 HOURS. Like ok. They were Abbu's friend baqir badami and from isloo they and been planning ke well be having a meal with them blah blah (like ykw hen we would ask the itinerary for here) anyway apparently meal didn't work out so they came over. Fine whatevs. Do today mum was saying that they'll be coming at 4 so idk come and meet them. Then she's like you can just meet them for 5 mins and then go if you want. ???????? She never says that really unless I ask if I'll be allowed to go. So I was like why or idk what i said she's pata nahi na food might be less so it's better if you go then we'll give you the leftovers. Anyway there's were 3 people and the food was : pie in the sky truffle cake (they ordered a cake specially for them. That shouldve tipped me off), chicken strips, samosas, an ENTIRE quiche that was meant for su khala, juice I think that's it not sure tho. I mean sure food would've run out hah ofc like yes I'm fat but turns out I'm THAT fat ha who knew. Anyway so apa was ready pehle sei and she went down and then I got ready later and went BC I'm lazy and there was the uncle, his wife and their son who abbu was interrogating when I went. (he's in university omg waow what a coincidence guess who else is in uni. Yes you know where I'm going with this now) so then mummy went to do the food and apa was like do u need help and she's like no then I started to say should I help and she's like I'm yk one person's would be fine and then I went and then she didn't tell me to do anything and said you can go up now if you want now. I was like no I don't mind sitting so she like made a face is as like ......do you want me to go or. She's like yeah better that you do you know you'll were sitting squashed looks weird so I was like um food?? She's like we'll give u left overs so I got offended and went up.

Anyway then is as on the terrace like an hour later with Zainab and I was just thinking written in the stars and the rishta wala scene and I'm like OKs eems farfetched but WHAT THE FU

Then I went in and sa khala goes so how old is these on and I was like................I was thinking the same thing and the. I was like huh uni I think and then I was on the ironing board and I was just thinking ok I was thinking the same thing but you know my brain is weird but sa khala thought the exact same thing ??????¿¿?? Anyway then su khala came home (she left after the guests had come) and she was like they're still here and then she had guessed too and by this time it was like 6, 6:30 and she had guessed too and she and sa khala were talking about it and then by like 6:30 apa came up and then around 6:45 mummy said they've left and then I showed attitude BC she was being rude or idek why I'm being like this haha and then Abbu left and here am feeling sad listening to coke studio and feeling sad thinking about abbu and mummy and the guy he seems rlly cool (UPenn:O) also learning Quranic Arabic and lurks calligraphy and has lived in a bunch of places like omg waow he's eems perfect (and look were pretty ok also 😏 jokes jokes. No but srsly) but like he seems rlly cool. And his dad is Abbu's best friend. Yes I feel good about this okay bye thanks this has been good therapy and my coke studio song is also ending now wow perfect