every single day, with absolutely no exaggeration, i have thought about you. My whole year, my years, have revolved around you, around coming to you. إنت أكبر حلمي. You are my biggest dream and i’ve wanted nothing more than you.
I have nothing to my name. No deeds worthy of being accepted, not mixed with kibr or shak or inattentiveness. All i have to my name are my countless sins.
All i have are these tears i’ve cried over you, and these are all i’ll be able to present in front of You, in front of Sayeda Fatima, in front of Sayeda Zaynab. See? I cried, I cried so much, i felt my heart would burst and i’d die if i couldn’t come to you. This is all I have.
But i understand that this is Your qadha, and I am content with your decree.
So this Arbaeen, all I’ll have is my bag of the dust of Karbala, and the love I have for you o Husayn, I will direct towards working for you. I wanted to come and the rest was your decree, all that was in my control was to want to come. In fact, even that wasn’t in my control. Thank you for turning my heart towards you.
اللهم لك الحمد حمد الشاكرين لك على مصابهم
الحمدلله على عظيم رزيتي
So now I will use everything I have to work for you, for the 12th imam. Because when he comes, the whole world will be the haram of the Imam.
what will it be like when we finally set eyes on the dome for the first time?
we’ll just stare, unable to catch our breath. we’ll fall to the floor, kneel in front of them, broken, our eyes fixed on the dome. we’ll drop all our load of losses and heartbreaks at their feet. with the tears that flow, all our troubles and worries will leave us too.
a lover finally reunited with the beloved.
most of us have been through so much this year. we’ve lost so many people to this year and have broken so many attachments. we’ve felt so much pain. but we’ve found Allah. We’ve lost so much, and we’ve started our pursuit to gaining infinity. we’ve started our journey to allah.
everything that’s happened since last year - we’ll drop it all off our backs at their feet. after being through storms of emotional turmoil, we’ll finally be home. we’ll finally be with them.
about three days ago i was feeling sad for no apparent reason. i figure it’s part of the healing process - having relapses. like in addiction (in this, an addiction to sadness), you have relapses. doesn’t mean your back to square one.
that night i was on the prayer mat, in front of me was the little purple quran someone gave me on my first arbaeen in 2018. ironically after i started healing, in 2020, was the first time i ever read from that quran. that night i couldn’t stop the tears. i opened it up to a random page and it landed on the beginning of surah ankabut
Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?
i can’t quite explain how i felt. like allah was comforting me, trying to communicate with me that a) He hadn’t left me, and b) i’m validated in what i’m feeling, it’s all just part of the test. and everything will be fine soon.
But We have certainly tried those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars. Or do those who do evil deeds think they can outrun Us? Evil is what they judge.
i heard somewhere that the roots ف ت ن were used for the process of purifying gold.
now i couldn’t read properly through the blur of tears. you know when you talk to your mother or a close friend and you feel reassured by them and you pour your heart out to them and cry? i felt reassured by allah, i couldn’t stop crying to Him. i couldn’t use words because i wouldn’t know what to say. a lot of the time i’m clueless myself as to why i’m feeling the way i am. but he’s the one who’ll be there for you when words fail you. he’s the one who doesn’t need words to be communicated with.
After reading three verses, I went into sajdah and thought, I know I need what you’re giving me. I know this is for the best and I’m content with it.
But i just miss karbala so much. That’s one of the places I felt closest to You.
Then i thought, I just want You. I want liqa Allah.
And those who believe and do righteous deeds - We will surely remove from them their misdeeds and will surely reward them according to the best of what they used to do.
And We have enjoined upon man goodness to parents. But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. To Me is your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do.
I constantly dreamed of coming here, to be near my aqa husayn. I also dreamed of the serenity and peace of heart and mind I would get, just be sitting in the haram and the sehens and praying (drawing from what it felt like in iran last year). I dreamed of the blessings and thawab I would get for making this divine visit insha'Allah. But the latter two are worldly things,my own peace of mind and being away from world bakwas and being in heaven on Earth for a couple of weeks. So I got my wish: I came, but on arbaeen!! No peace of mind!! Hah. No peace of mind but my heart was at peace. Last night in baynul haramayn we 5 got about 1 meter of ground to sit on, people we're jostling and falling all over us but I was standing in front of abul fadhls zari in front of babul qibla, in the distance was imam husayns minarets, and my heart had never been more at peace
i wish to be so entrenched in allah’s love - purely and just His love
everything else, everything, is a distraction. everything worldly is a distraction. when i realise this to the utmost degree, is when i can achieve perfection. people’s opinion, my physical body, my grades, my success in life, my life- no, nothing. nothing but allah. everything for allah. when i strip away all of this: friends, family, my pleasures, my wants, the things i want for myself, all that’s left is allah. i want to strip away all of that now, from this day on. i want to live my life for You, allah. only You.
so where i would previously say after every namaz with the eyes cenched shut and pain and desperation in my heart- oh allah let my parents live a long life with towfeeq to do good, let me end up with him if it’s good for me
i will now say- let my parents live a long life, let them and me be submerged in love for You forever, let me end up with him if it brings me closer to You, if it increases my love for You; let me love him for You. otherwise don’t make our paths cross ever and the pain that will bring will be worth it if it means my love for You never decreased. let me love my parents and my siblings and my friends and him -only for You. let my love be purely for You, only You. everything for You
so that one day i too can say, like Husayn did- i dont see enemy as enemy and i dont see friend as friend; i see only allah. so that one day i too can say like zaynab did- i see nothing but beauty.
