#7.21.2020

[g-oats]

man my mood has been all out of wack lately, idk wtf is even going on anymore. some days like yesterday i’ll spend all day extremely paranoid, confident everyone i love actually hates me, thinking abt the future how i basically dont have one, toying with s//cidal thoughts, etc, and then other days i’ll spend 4 hours scrubbing the bathroom down with bleach and going through all the kitchen cabinets to reorganize them and then making meal plans for the week and planning grocery shopping trips and thinking how to rework my budget to save up enough money to buy my sibs a bunkbed ect etc etc

like what !!!!!!! some days i feel like im moving forward and other days i am totally NOT !! i wish my brain was more consistent. also it is way too hot out i went to the pool earlier and even the pool wasn’t refreshing anymore because the sun heated the water up too much. it just felt like sitting in a lukewarm bathtub but also there were other people there so that was weird.

[kellanoliver]

Seroquel

The week-long high has ended all at once & the red lipsticked woman (once so brave) is now mortally afraid of a Nothing Thought.

How strange, how impossible, & yet she is silent, shaking & refusing to leave the safety of the blanket wrapped tight around her until the terror ends.

(& she won’t speak of that bloodied man or any of the other horrors she has seen, not that anyone would want to hear them.)

[kellanoliver]

Again

When you speak to me blood rushes to my cheeks & my heart flutters.

I wasn’t prepared to feel this & yet I catch myself dreaming of you hold me close.

I’m so afraid of hurting again, afraid that whatever we’re feeling is not enough to span the distance

again.

Please, tell me we aren’t wasting our time.

[kellanoliver]

Ethereal

I dream of seeing your skin glowing, reflecting the moon in the quiet of darkness. I want to run my fingers along your curves & taste the gentle honey dewiness of your flesh.

I crave the desire in you, the heaviness of your breath as it passes through your petal lips in excited pants. I only want to see the halo that rests upon you & the softness of your face as you open up for me like a fragile flower blossoming under starlight.

I only want to be the night that holds you in its embrace, existing in that place outside of time, loving you so ethereally in the unseen spaces where there is only you & I & the love I carry like a secret.

[likeclementines]

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