Jul 9, 2018
I just want cuddles. Very platonic, lots of head petting, no sexual expectation cuddles.
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I just want cuddles. Very platonic, lots of head petting, no sexual expectation cuddles.
4am now and I just remembered that I downloaded Song of the Sea a while back for when I can't sleep. It's my favourite movie ever. It cannot be anymore perfect. Selkies and Celtic lullabies. It's been going for 3 minutes and I feel beter already.
It's after 1am and I'm not the least bit tired. Been feeling restless all day. Cleaned my room this weekend and did my laundry; even made brownies and cleaned up the kitchen afterwards. I could have researched TEFL stuff more, but I feel like I've hit a brick wall.
China has the most competitive pay and perks for both bachelor and associate degree holders, but I'm not sure I'm ready to handle that big of an adjustment. I'm already nervous about jumping into international teaching without any prior experience. China is just so incredibly different from the US. The culture, language, traffic, pollution, apartments, lack of internet serfing freedom. It's a lot to adjust to, and I'm worried about overwhelming myself with an unfamiliar job in an unfamiliar place an ocean away from my home country. (Even if said country is shit.)
So I'm toying around with the idea of going back to college to get a nicely rounded associate's with some extra classes in English and/or teaching, preferably teaching.
I'm not so worried about the English bit, though I could use some classes in classic literature and etymology. It's the teaching part that's daunting. I love educating people about things I'm passionate about. It's my favourite part of any job. Working at Tractor Supply at 18, I got to talk to people about their animals and how to better care for them. At faire, I did demonstrations in the forge and discussed jousting and horses with the patrons. Online, I get to express my thoughts about BDSM, communication, and consent. But outside of those situations, I haven't the slightest idea how to run a classroom, not to mention one filled with students that speak English as a second language. Doesn't help that I was homeschooled for half of my education.
I'm just not confident in my ability to pull it off well enough to benefit my hypothetical students. Watching my boyfriend create his pseudo lesson plans is inspiring. He has an amazing talent and desire to connect with students on a basic, human level. He's not exactly passionate about English, but I can already see the lengths he's willing to go to to make his classes engaging, interesting, and practical. I have to remind myself that he did, in fact, go to University for this very thing, but still. I want to be as confident in my ability to teach as I am in his before putting myself in a real world situation. I don't think it would be fair to the students if I wasn't confident in myself.
He insists that the TEFL course will give me all the practice I need, but I have my doubts. It's only 120 hours....
So maybe college is the answer? I dunno. I dunno where to even begin aside from getting my license changed to Wyoming so I can get cheaper tuition.
On the very awesome side, my dad said that he's proud of me for looking into all of this. He wants to help me get there. It's a huge relief because I was afraid he would think I was abandoning him to deal with everything at home on his own again.... I still feel guilty, but it's nice to hear him say that I gotta do what's best for me.
August 7, 2018 - Day 49
Been doing a lot more sweeping since the cat has joined the apartment.
7 August 2018
25 minutes at bedtime
Ok ! We got a new meditation related problem. I sat and slipped in and out of meditation while my child used the meditation app on my phone. Those 8 minutes of a guided meditation that my child 🧒 spent on, were enough for me to cover some meditation ground. So where’s the problem, you ask.
The ground that I covered while waiting, became an issue with stamina towards the end of my session on the app. Towards the end of the first 25 minutes I strongly felt that ‘I cannot go on any longer’. The mind seems to be habituated to do 25 minutes and a few extra moments. Having covered 8 minutes of an insincere meditation, the mind began rebelling when it saw that 25 minutes are done ! The mind really does pick up impressions easy and doesn’t seem to let go of them easy.
There is one other thing that I must mention. When I began my 25 minutes session on Insight Timer, I experienced a peculiar sensation in my neck. Front, right side, back of the chin, close to the neck, I experienced pain. It was a ‘got bitten by a bug 🐜’ kind of sensation. Stinging, short lived and pointed. That’s how the pain was. It was also reflexive. I went at the pain with my right hand and found nothing ! There was no bug on me.
The pain came and went in the exact same manner many times. I reached for it and brushed around to feel for the imaginary bug. No bug, so I stopped moving after the first two attempts to get rid of it. The pain came and went a few times. It was interesting to watch. I observed it with a sense of distracting curiosity. At one point the stinging sensation had lessened to a mild sensation closer to the chin area under the mouth. For now, I am choosing to not spend time thinking about it. It may be deeply connected to the meditation practice, in some way. It would be too speculative of me to think about it.
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ich würde mal sagen heute: ...das erste mal wieder seit einer gefühlten Ewigkeit. Start 9.oo h