#956am

[theamericanbandwhore]

I love how no matter how many people I admit to that I vent on tumblr and have even shown posts to

Not. A. Single. Fucking. One. Of. Them. EVER

thinks to check up on me here.

[loveisasong]

Everything is ruined, and as it would seem, it's all my fault again. Good job, Allen. How did it feel to fucking try?

[jeribunny]

CIV: Back

I'm starting to think that this "recurring" feeling is actually a natural feeling that I continuously have. I'm not quite sure what to do anymore. BUT! I'm back from yet another hiatus. I work in Nordstrom now and I'm still taking that program I mentioned a few months ago. I'm currently at the coffee shop, trying to figure out what to do with my life. A certain question keeps replaying in my mind, "What am I going to do? WHAT am I GOING to DO?" which in turn prompted me to go here. I've been stuck with this question for quite some time now. Constantly being torn with pursuing what I love or continuing with this program which, frankly, sounds like I'm settling. I absolutely, to my little bones, hate where I'm at in life right now. I don't have motivation to do anything and it kills me. Maybe it's time for me to finally see a professional about this... I'm tired of being confused about life all the time or being indifferent about the events that occur around me. I'm tired of feeling this way when I know, with every neuron in my brain, I'm capable of so much bigger and better things. Why can't I just take the plunge? Is it because I know no one will support me? Terrified of failing? I hate to say this but maybe I just need a supporter that will help me be more brave about diving into the unknown. I know that if I spill my plans about my dream goal, those around me will think I'm nuts! Though my thoughts are pretty realistic, it's out of the ordinary for my family. But that should not be an excuse! I should take rein of my life instead of life taking rein on me. I find myself staring off into the distance and zoning out. Jumping in and out of the present and reality right in front of me. Not being confident in my words and feeling drained of energy when I get home, wake up, do tasks, everything. And when I try to talk about it with other people, I feel like I'm knocking on someone's door late into the evening while they are dead asleep. I feel like as days pass the will in my soul declines exponentially. Like I'm falling down a mountain and with each tumble I feel each and every pebble and twig. And this feeling resonates within me. I don't have the urge to talk to people because they probably have their own things to deal with, or maybe they're at a happier place in their life so why bring this negative energy through their doors? That's unnecessary. Maybe I'll find my groove. Ideally some time soon. I want to be confident in my actions, my words, my thoughts.