#a. l. rambles

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What’s this? I’m actually working on Librarians fanfic after not writing anything for months?

Well, here’s a teaser for anyone interested:

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So in my theories of learning class, there are a fair amount of people from the counseling psychology graduate program. Some of these folks specialize in ASD interventions, which within the counseling psychology program in my college of education is, as you may guess, ABA therapy.

In this class we have a project where we have to collect data to test a learning theory of our choosing. Part of the project requires a proposal of what theory you'll be testing and how you're going to collect data to test it. This proposal we have to give peer feedback on before turning in the final copy. And of course, I get someone who's wanting to a study looking at behaviorism and autistic kids.

It's not even that the aproach this person is doing purposely dehumanizes autistic kids, in fact they're using emotions as part of the reinforcement mechanism, but it's still treating autistic kids like they can't think. (Behaviorism, as a learning theory, pretty much ignores the cognition involved in learning)

We just don't think like neurotypical people...but we still think!!! Heck, all the folks who get good at masking are very much thinking about their presentation, how long they can mask, and where they can relax. There's a heck of a lot of cognition going on there. If only neurotypical people would take the time to actually study how we think, instead of just dissmissing it as "not like normal children."

Stuff like this makes me want to totally switch gears in my Learning and Cognition Ph.D. from science education to cognition in ASD. But also being autistic makes the thought of suddenly switching my program plan sound really terrible, oh the irony.

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This whole quarantine thing is making me realize my grasp on time is not near as good as I thought it was. 

I know it's an autistic/adhd thing to not really process time very well. I hadn't really had problems with it before, but now I'll have days where I get to 5 or so in the evening, think "Where did the day go? I've not done that much" only to realize I spent 3 hours working on one project and 3 more studying, only half the things that I planned to do today.

And it's especially *fun* to have my estimate of how long a thing will take be really off too, which didn't use to happen. "It'll only take me an hour to paint these mini sculptures for my project" (three hours later) "Oh."

Maybe I'm working more slowly or something, but I don't remember this happening before. Guess I’m having another burnout thanks to this quarantine and the semester coming to an end...*yay*

(Now that I think of it I’ve been stimming waaay more lately, so yeah, it’s burnout. Welp, at least I realized it)

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Figuring out I’m demisexual has enlightened me to why I was so confused about christian communities being so adamant about separating girls and boys, especially in sleeping accommodations like camps or, god-forbid, co-ed dorms in college. People apparently will fuck with reckless abandon when within 10 feet of another person with compatible genitals I guess. Needless to say my ace ass could not comprehend being intimate with someone I barely knew and in a communal space no less.

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Rewatching Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron has made me realize a few things about myself, considering it was my favorite movie as a kid (up there with Disney’s Tarzan in number of rewatches as a kid anyway).

Most certainly I learned facial expressions from animated horses (which both probably helped and hindered my little autistic self).

My “keep on keepin’ on” attitude is most definitely because I effectively listened to “You Can’t Take Me” and “Get off My Back” over and over as I rewatched it loads of times. Also my general distaste with America's history and colonialism definitely came from this movie and Tarzan.

My love for the Rocky Mountain landscape totally came from the backgrounds throughout the movie (which explains why when I first stepped into them for real I was mesmerized).

My type for muscled men with long hair and kind hearts definitely came from Little Creek and Tarzan...

...The fact that I was a horse girl is besides the point (considering I grew up with horses less than a quarter mile from my house).

I really love this movie. It’ll always have a special place in my heart, and I’m so glad it was part of what made me who I am today.

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Spending my Saturday night in bed listening to songs about unrequited love because the feelings I've got for my best friend are hitting me really hard now that she's gotten super busy and barely talks to me anymore...particularly Sam Smith's "Not in that Way" really gets my predicament, cuz I know she's straight (we've had those chats when I came out to her). Ho boy, low key I'm so ready to move away for grad school cuz it'll put physical distance between us and I'll be too busy making new friends and being way more out and proud than I am at home.

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I got my hair cut today and I legit can’t stop stimming...had to tell myself to not flap while driving because that’s not safe but I’m bubbling with energy now! I’m so glad I made this step in my transition finally and didn’t wait another year till grad school.

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My brain has decided to headcannon Stone as a trans guy, because apparently it wants to have more things in common with him besides being from Oklahoma and hiding a majority of your personality from your right-wing family in fear of how they’ll treat you if they knew that you weren’t what they expected you to be.