#abigailroseoriginal

[anatomy-of-an-abigail]

I'm proud of myself 

for how I handled this last end 

 I did not cry 

      (I refuse to let you see it) 

I did not plead 

      (although every fiber of my being begged you to come to your senses)

I did not try to convince you 

I was worth it 

     (I know by now that I cannot convince you of what you do not see)

I told you 

I would not ask you 

to stay

and that I was going to hang up 

and goodbye

And I almost made it out- 

I did not shatter 

until you told me 

     you wished 

          we'd met 

               earlier

how dare you, my love?

How dare you throw 

my own words 

back at me

when I was wishing 

for more easy days together 

spent in the sunshine

and you were wanting 

a noble-sounding excuse 

for quitting?

[anatomy-of-an-abigail]

Sometimes I find myself wishing

we had somehow been able to stay in touch

I mostly catch myself 

thinking weak thoughts

when I realize I haven’t heard your voice 

in months

and have no idea what your life is like

and I have no idea how I could even begin to ask

Did we ever really touch,

darling?

Did you ever hold me close?

Did you ever pull me to you 

in a bed we shared

and smile into my hair

Or surprise me with breakfast

Or show me your city

with a light in your eyes

Did I ever really tell you I loved you?

And did you ever really respond with a kiss?

Did that ever really happen, love?

Or was it just a dream?

[anatomy-of-an-abigail]

Sometimes

in my most desperate moments

I wonder if everything that connects

me to you

ends:

Movies

Music

Books

Us

[anatomy-of-an-abigail]

Two years ago

on this day

I started dating a boy

who made me feel like

nothing

as I made him my

everything

One year ago

on this day

I went to the fair

with a dear friend

who helped me forget

that it would have been

my anniversary

Today

October 22 is just another day

Except that on this day

two years ago

I started a journey through hell

that would teach me how

to choose myself

[anatomy-of-an-abigail]

Love

until it breaks you open

Love

as you howl

at the moon

with reckless abandon

Love

as you knit yourself

back together

with starlight

Love

as you plant flowers

that bloom

in the darkest parts

of your soul

Love

because loving

is the only thing

that fucking matters

[anatomy-of-an-abigail]

You don't have to earn it, darling- you have always been enough

[anatomy-of-an-abigail]

The devil does not jump out at you from dark corners with eyes full of hellfire two red horns instead of hair wearing red rags that smell of soot and carrying a pitchfork The devil will be the most beautiful man you've ever seen his eyes will sparkle as he winks at you you'll want to wind your fingers through his hair forever he will be well dressed and will carry your name in his mouth like it is sacred the devil remembers what it was like to be an angel and when he leaves you unceremoniously as a hollow shell of who you used to be you'll finally understand the fall from grace

[anatomy-of-an-abigail]

I've grown

too much

in this year of hellfire

to let you set me ablaze

just to burn away

your guilt