The Daemon Scrapbooking event was announced the same day I decided to make a bullet journal/organized sketchbook, so here’s a doodle page of me figuring out how to draw fossas now that Agate has decided that she is one. And since they’ll be involved in the process, each dae gets a specific pen to use when they have something to say. Agate’s is purple/pink and mine is black
Agate first met Pearl on The Battlefield. They were on opposite sides, but Pearl’s beauty and grace (not to mention her appetite for blood) mesmerized Agate. Agate was so enchanted by her that when she was poofed she regenerated with a dress instead of the functional battle gear that fighting type gems wear. (This did not please The Diamonds btw).
To date, Agate has yet to truly meet Pearl. Everything she knows of her is through official reports and rumors. Both of which were skewed to make the Rebels look terrible. But somehow it fueled Agate’s attraction.
Bottom line:
Agate is a nutcase. She has an unhealthy obsession over a Gem she’s never met. Yes, I was aware of this when developing her. Flaws make characters interesting.
This started as a comment on the original post, but then it got ridiculously long.
I've never heard of an Obyati before, and the document was a very interesting read, especially because i think Cairo and Agate fit the description of an Obyati more than they do a traditional daemon.
I know there are many different interpretations of daemons and everyone practices daemonism differently, but based on what I consider a daemon to be (for myself), the term has never completely fit. I've always interpreted daemons to be a reflection of your soul, and a personification of your subconscious, essentially 'you' and your thoughts given a personality. Their form and voice and character are formed out of your subconscious, and while you can try to intentionally guide your daemon's development, they will become whatever you need them to be, whether you consciously agree with their conclusion or not.
Cairo and Agate are a part of me and come from me, but they are not 'me'. I intentionally created them for use outside of personal guidance or companionship (or any other function a daemon might serve). While they have definitely evolved over time and eventually took up the general role and duties of a daemon, their origins remain and still influence who they are and how they interact with both me and each other.
Arguably, this can be the origin of a daemon as well. As I said, I know there are numerous different interpretations outside of my own. Really, I'm fine to still call Cairo and Agate my daemons, but I've never been so sure that they are something just a bit different until I awakened Cobalt.
I consider Cobalt to be my 'true' daemon. This does not make them any more important to me than Cairo and Agate, I just feel like they most closely represent what I understand a daemon to be. They kind of created themself, their form and voice and character coming from what I presume to be my subconscious. I did not intentionally decide on any part of them outside of deciding to try to awaken them in the first place. In fact, they have disagreed with the few things I did try to impress upon them (like a name change. I feel 'Cobalt' doesn't fit their personality).
Of course, Agate and Cairo have more of an opinion of themselves now, and I cannot intentionally change them anymore, but the fact remains that I could in the past, and those choices still impact our present.
Well, this got really long and rambly and tbh it doesn't matter very much to us. I'll still refer to Agate and Cairo as my daemons, if just for simplicity's sake. It's only a label to us. However, it's interesting to think about, especially as I try to figure out how everyone fits in with everything as we move forward.
As I wrote in the short story, Agate was never meant to be permanent. I made her to represent myself going through some really shitty things, and when I tried to move on from those things, it felt like my heavily identifying with her was holding me back.
I remember about 6 years ago, when I was first starting to hate myself and fall into depression, I wished that I could take all the bad stuff, all the traits about myself that I felt were holding me back, and just pry it out of my head and be done with it. And I felt so clever and mature when I reminded myself that there is no quick fix for me, and that if I want the bad stuff in my head to go away, I have to get rid of it myself.
Of course, this way of thinking just made me hate myself even more when I couldn’t. Because the bad stuff was a part of me. That’s when I realized I was just a bad person. Not bad like ‘evil’ but bad like ‘can’t function like a normal human being and since I can’t make myself function, I guess I don’t even want to that bad and tbh it would be quicker and easier for everyone involved if I just disappeared’.
It took six years to figure out that isn’t true at all. Like holy shit, I wasn’t a bad person, I was depressed as hell. All the things I couldn’t make myself do? Yeah, that’s because I literally did not have the energy to do anything more than what I was doing right then. The ‘bad stuff’ I thought or did? I used to call it ‘laziness’ and ‘selfishness’, and ‘wasting time’, but it wasn’t any of those things. I was surviving, and that’s enough.
Fast forward to the present. I’m in a much better place both physically and mentally. I haven’t spoken to or really thought of Agate in two years. I expected her to have faded away by now, but she’s still here. After talking to her, I reasoned that it’s because my past is still a part of me. I’m not entirely out of the situation I was in, and thinking back on what happened still hurts. I figured that once I dealt with that, fully freed myself from all the negativity, she would finally be gone. I’d miss her as a relic of who I used to be, but she would no longer be something I could reach or interact with.
This morning, I was thinking about everything again and read over what was said when we talked, and I realized that, despite coming so far and maturing so much, I still wanted to take all the “bad stuff” and just pry it out of my life. Maybe I’m even more naive now, since I actually thought it was possible this time.
It still isn’t, of course. I wrote that I told Agate that there were parts of her worth saving. Admittedly, I don’t think I said exactly that when actually talking to her., but now, today, I think I’m finally understanding that it’s true.
Talking to her isn’t like talking to a past self. Agate is more sarcastic and rough than Cairo is. She doesn’t coddle and when trying to keep me on task, she rarely takes “no” as an answer. She’s sarcastic and reminds me to walk away from problems that are not my business and beyond my ability to fix.We’ve been trying to figure out an animal form for her so she could fit in (artistically, at least), and a lot of her choices regarding this are different from how I’ve envisioned her before.
She’s not a part of my past that needs to be dealt with, the past is just what created her. All the things I/she did or thought that hurt me so much back then are no longer damaging in this new context. Cairo dealt with the softer side of self-care. The forgiveness, the gentleness, the kindness that I both deserved and owed to myself. Agate deals with the other half of self-care, because sometimes self-care is less about warm showers and favorite foods and forgiving what you weren’t able to do today, and more like making an important phone call that terrifies you, or practicing driving (which I hate) because I actually need my license now that I’m not in the city, or taking this stupid medicine that doesn’t feel like it’s working now but will eventually.
So yeah. Agate doesn’t need to leave or fade or whatever. She’s more than just a vessel to hold the hurtful parts of my past, she’s the one that got me through it. Back then, we just didn’t understand which part of self-care we needed at the time. Now we do, and as much as I love Cairo, he can’t do it all. Agate is changing like we all are, and I’m excited to see what she becomes.
I had a long conversation with a daemon that I haven't spoken to in almost two years. More about that under the cut.
Some context: Like Cairo, Agate wasn’t originally a daemon. She was actually me, or, she was the character I used to represent myself the way August is currently. She’s who I was when I was at my lowest. At some point, I realized that if I ever wanted to get out or even start getting out of that mindset and situation, I needed to stop identifying with Agate. I’d put so much of my pain and sorrow and trauma and depression into her that it was almost all I could associate with her, so if I wanted to grow, I'd have to leave her behind.
However, a change in outlook does not immediately cure years’ worth of trauma and depression, so even when I started going by August, Agate stuck around as a ‘me-but-not-me’ type entity. Essentially, she was a daemon, though I didn’t have that terminology back then. She held my sorrow and rage and frustration and, more often than not, my intrusive thoughts. She was more strict than Cairo when it came to trying to get me to do what I need to do (like homework), but she still tried to guide me in a loving way. (I actually mistook her for another character, Rita. It makes more sense that it was Agate tho).
As things slowly got better, Agate grew quiet. It’s actually been quite a while since I last heard from her.
Then, a couple of days ago, I woke Cobalt as another daemon.
Cobalt and what they mean to me is a whole other story, but the basics is that I see them as a sign that I’m ready to move forward. I’m no longer in survival mode and I no longer need to put all my energy toward healing. Agate’s existence was supposed to be temporary as both a character and a daemon. I figured that she would fade away once I was ready to move on. I’m finally at that point (honestly, a place I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to) and Agate is still here.
Admittedly, her presence made me a bit nervous. Kind of like a ghost of my past still haunting me, and I wasn’t sure why.
The reason is incredibly simple: Agate still holds all of the pain from those dark moments, and even if I’m ready to move on, that doesn’t erase the fact that they still happened. They’re still a part of me whether I like it or not, and I have to find a way to make my peace with that. I think the conversation we had today is a good start to that.
And here's today's conversation with Agate in story form.
I really don't know how to express how much talking to her again means to me, especially talking to her about the things she survived so I could heal.
It was summer, the bright afternoon sunlight shining through the window and casting a warm spotlight in August’s room. There was a ghost standing there just by the door. She stood still and silent, hands folded before her as if she wasn’t sure she was welcome anymore.
In truth, August wasn’t sure if she was either.
He’d missed her. He couldn’t even recall when the two last spoke. He’d seen her lurking at the edges of his vision, mismatched eyes watching him move forward while she remained still, but no words passed between them.
When did they grow so distant?
He’d missed her, and he knew how dangerous that was. She was never meant to stay, never meant to linger like a shadow of all they both tried so hard to leave behind. But here she was, and part of him was happy to see her.
The silence was dragging on, and as he stared, Agate looked like she was about to leave, to disappear back to whatever pocket of his mind she’d been hiding in.
“Where have you been?” August found himself asking.
Agate offered a tired lopsided grin. “Where do you think?”
“You’ve just been… here?” August knew the answer, but he couldn’t stop himself from asking.
“Yeah. I don’t think I can disappear entirely.” Agate looked down at her hand. “As it turns out, you can’t just erase all of the bullshit in your past.”
“Then why not come back? Things are different now, just look around. You can come back, join me and Cobalt and Cairo –”
“No, August,” Agate interrupted. She slowly made her way to the table beside the window, reached out to touch the leaves of the many plants that sat there. “Just because I’m still here doesn’t mean you should do anything about it. You’ve moved on, and I get it. You deserve to move on, we’ve fought hard enough for it. Just leave me like this. I can’t undo myself, but you shouldn’t have to see or hear me. It’s alright, I promise. Let me keep your past for you.”
“Do you still feel that way? The way we did back then?” August could hardly even remember how that felt. It seemed so long ago.
“I do. It’s different now, but I still carry it.”
“You shouldn’t have to,” August insisted. “Not like this.”
Agate’s grin widened into her signature sneer, far too many teeth glinting in the light. “You’re not gonna fix me, August,” and her voice was as firm as it was kind. “As I said, you can’t just erase all the stuff that’s happened to us. If I’m not gonna hold it, then you will, and we’ll all be right back where we started. Let this go, August. I’m serious.”
“So am I!” August took a deep breath and gestured to the spot on the couch beside him. “Sit, Agate. At least talk to me. Hear me out.”
Agate sighed and the sound reflected a bone-deep exhaustion that August had all but forgotten. She was just barely smaller than he was, but she looked so heavy as she sat. “I’m listening.”
“I can’t just pretend you’re not here,” August said. “It doesn’t matter what our intentions were. You’re here now. We can’t just pretend otherwise.”
“I’m not telling you to pretend,” Agate told him. “I’m telling you to move on –”
“But it’s the same thing, isn’t it?” August turned to face her fully, and he was reminded of who they’d been before. She’d been his counterpart, his other half. Things were different, but he felt like she still was. “I am you,” he said. “And you are me. What happened, happened to us, and if you carry it, then so do I. Letting you just fade away isn’t moving on, it’s repression.”
“It happened, it hurt, but it’s over now,” Agate huffed. Her eyes made him think of fire, but there was a horrible sorrow behind the flames. “There’s nothing to be done about it now. What exactly do you think ripping open old wounds is going to accomplish?”
“Because it’s not over,” August told her. “We’re better and things are different, but it won’t be overuntil we can face it and win and we’re finally in a place to do that.”
“Or you can just let me take everything back to the shadows with me.” The grin was gone. She was getting agitated, fingers curled into claws against her knees. “August, just let me do this. Please. Go on with Cairo and Cobalt –”
“But I want you too!” August felt like his heart was breaking and his eyes burned. “You’re more than what we went through. Cairo helped me pick up the pieces, but you’re the one who lived it. You’re the one that was strong enough to carry a broken world on your shoulders and keep it together until it could heal. Your determination, your stubbornness, your ability to survive. It’s all a part of me, of us, and it’s a part worth saving.” The tears finally came, rolling down his nose even as he tried to hold them back. “We’re worth it, Agate. The both of us, we’re worth it. I know it might hurt, and I’m terrified of what we might find, but what we can beis worth going back and facing what hurt us. I’m done running, and I’m done hiding. I want to see where Cobalt takes us, and I want you to come with me. So will you at least try? Come back to me?”
Agate was silent for a long moment. Then she leaned back and hummed. Her hands uncurled and reached out to touch August’s face. “There’s no need for tears, you crybaby.”
And August found himself smiling. “Yeah, I know.” He sniffed and rubbed at his eyes. “So, you’ll come back? I think Cairo misses you, and you still haven’t met Cobalt –”
“Slow down a bit,” Agate told him. “I’m… not ready for all that. Give me some time, yeah? I know you’re ready to move on, but I’m not. Not yet, anyway.”
“Okay.” August nodded to himself and glanced around. He and Agate were the only two in the room, the other daemons temporarily tucked away to give them some privacy. It was strange, being in a room without them, but Agate’s presence no longer held the air of foreboding it did earlier. “You and I can talk though, right?”
“Of course.” Agate stretched her arms over her head. “Don’t worry, I’ll meet the daemon brigade soon enough. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to talk to him anymore, but I missed Cairo. And I’m really curious where the hell Cobalt came from. They seem like a lot of fun.”
‘Be nice,” August pleaded.
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be good to the baby.” She leaned back and closed her eyes and for the first time since she stepped into the room, she looked almost at peace. The light of the setting sun suited her, and August could almost imagine they were Home. “But first, let me just get used to being in this world again. I missed this.”
August just continued to watch. He felt like he was seeing a ghost returning to life, a glimpse of gold beneath the shadow and rust. They both were different, everything was different, but he supposed some things could stay the same. “Me too,” he said quietly, and turned back to the window.
So, Terraria and Starbound ate my brain and I haven't talked to any of my daes for a few weeks now (oops). Today, a picture of a fossa popped up on my dashboard and I wasn't initially thinking of it as a daemon form (especially since we already ruled it out for Cairo) but then Agate immediately showed up to just go "that's me". We don't really know why, other than the fact that she likes how fossas are bigger and not as 'cutesy' as a marten, so I guess I'll look into them again.
idk, I just think it's interesting. My daes are generally pretty chill when I hyperfixate on something too give them much thought, and unless I'm seriously ignoring reality, they don't interrupt me in whatever I'm doing. It's kind of cool when one pops in to inform me of something that they specifically want to tell me about outside of self-care things.
Actually, that reminds me that Cobalt did it last week when I saw a picture of a delphinus dolphin. This really threw me, since I don't particularly like marine animals or swimming, especially in natural bodies of water and ESPECIALLY the ocean. Cobalt says it has more to do with fun and freedom and the desire to be cold, which kinda makes sense to me but also ??? where the hell did that come from lol
