If you aren’t dealing well with quarantine and can’t/don’t want to see someone else’s emotional problems, please scroll by.
Seriously, I don’t want anyone who doesn’t have the emotional or mental energy to read about my issues to feel worse because of me. The way I am currently, I would not be able to handle reading this from someone else. Protect your own mental health. Put on your oxygen mask before trying to help others.
I am writing this as catharsis(hopefully) and because I believe that being honest and transparent about my emotions will help me to deal with them.
Side note: I got some information while writing this that made me feel a bit better and it ended up turning into something a lot less hopeless and more positive than I thought it was going to be. Still keeping my warnings. Emotions are hard in an ideal situation and we are so far from that.
The current situation of the world is not doing my mental health any favors. I live in the US and it feels like my government is out to get me and it’s not eve paranoia, it’s rooted in fact and backed up with provable evidence. My state’s governor is handling this like a champ and that is my one silver lining about the current state of this country.
That’s big picture. Maybe it’s selfish but I cannot care about the big picture right now. The little picture is pushing me past the threshold of some of the worst places I’ve been mentally and I can barely deal with that. I think as of this week I can officially say that I might not be able to deal with that anymore. And that’s terrifying.
I didn’t finish the work my school assigned for the week and I planned to get it done over the weekend, but when I tried I realized that I mentally cannot process it. I was just staring at words on a page and not understanding.
I bit the bullet and texted my friends and admitted to someone other than my parents that I wasn’t doing well and good god was that cathartic. One of my friends sent me the best response I could have hoped for and I actually believed it. I have been talking to my parents, but as much as I know what they mean what they say about it being okay to not be okay, there’s a part of me that can’t accept positive reassurance from my parents when I’m doing bad. I want to clarify that I am lucky enough to have a really go relationship with my parents and the reason I struggle to accept reassurance from them is because my anxiety says that they’re saying it because they love me rather than because it’s true.
I have a hard time convincing myself that my decisions are okay so hearing from my parents and friends that I’m not wrong for doing badly right now is very validating and like a weight off my chest.
So this was going to be a sad rant but while I was writing it, I got really great and supportive responses from people I care about and holy crap I love my friends.
I should probably tell them that instead of tumblr but I think we’ve had our fill of emotional vulnerability for today. Eh, at least one of the people I’m talking about follows me on here so I might end up texting the rest of them when I feel up to it.
I started this feeling overwhelmed by all the bad in the world and now I’m overwhelmed with love for the people I care about and that is so much better to be overwhelmed by.
My emotions have been fluctuating like I’m menstruating and it has been a train wreck. The most important thing for me and anybody who’s having the same issues as me is to accept that and recognize that it is a justified and valid way to feel. Emotional vulnerability is hard. It’s hard and it’s not fun, but it’s necessary. Pretending that everything is okay or it will be okay soon enough so it’s fine is not a long term solution.
Ultimately, I’m still not doing well, but that’s okay. It really, honestly is okay to not be okay right now and anyone who says otherwise is wrong. Even if it’s you. If you’re telling yourself that “Yeah it’s okay to not be okay but I should still be better than this. I should still be able to do more than this. I should at least be able to do this much.” I’m sorry, you’re wrong. Wherever you are is okay, all the time, but especially now. If you woke up today, then you’re doing great. If you put on pants or made a conscious decision not to, then I’m genuinely proud of you. There are people who love you and there are even more people who will love you regardless of if you managed to make the most of this awful time or you just made it through.
My inbox is always open if you want to talk, with the caveat of: I am doing better than I was when I started writing this and I am not currently feeling crushed or hopeless, but I was 20 minutes ago and I likely will be again many times before we’re through this. I may not be in an emotional state where I can answer or address any issues but my own. Either way, a burden shared is a burden halved. Find people you can talk to or scream it to the void by telling the internet. Whatever helps.
It’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to be anywhere in between. Whatever you’re feeling is okay.
