Losing feeling is getting old
You can’t remember the last time someone cared for you, having lived your life completely on your own from a young age. Now, there was someone trying to break down those walls, yet they had walls of their own. What happens when two emotionally stunted people realize that they care for one another?
Joel x reader | gender neutral!reader | age gap (reader is 20+) | Events take place in Boston before Ellie | TW: Injury, blood, illness
It was well into the night when you arrived home, heaving with each agonizing step up those beaten down stairs in your apartment complex. Things had gone exceptionally wrong this night, the group you had been travelling with having come into some trouble with a crowd of raiders along the outskirts of the QZ. Clearly things hadn’t gone to plan, having been split up from the rest of your comrades during the altercation, so you had been left to get back home on your own accord despite having gained a few injuries.
Pushing the door open with a resounding thud, regardless of the time, you gripped at the angry wound on your side as the pounding behind your eyes grew ever incessant with each passing second. Someone had managed to get you in the head with some sort of blunt object, and with the slurry of nausea that had begun to settle in your stomach, it likely had caused a concussion. All of this was secondary to the effects of the blood loss from the slash that had broken apart your skin, crimson staining the clothes on your left side.
You needed to lay down, and the couch looked inviting enough, hobbling over with another deep sigh as you lowered your aching body onto the cushions. It wasn’t long before the dingy walls of your apartment began to fade into darkness, falling into an exhaustion induced slumber.
-
A deep rumble of someone’s voice had managed to pull you out of the unsettled sleep that had enveloped you only moments after laying down. How long had you been out?
“Hey...you’re bleedin' out.”
Your eyes cracked open after a moment of trying to distinguish the owner of the voice, and only then did you realize the weight of a strong pair of hands attempting to push your body upright along the couch cushions.
Eventually, you had been shifted into more of a sitting position, eliciting a soft sound of defiance as your body screamed in pain.
“You’re alright.”
Only now did you let your attention focus back on the other person in the room, recognizing that gruff appearance and abrasive tone anywhere.
Joel.
“Looks like you’re already startin' to decompose.” He grumbled, though it took you a moment to respond, still completely in shock from nothing related to your injuries, but more so the fact that Joel was here, crouching in front of your tender body that was now coming back to life with jolts of pain. Dark eyes searched your own, and you must look pretty worse for wear based on how the man was observing you with a light furrow in his brow.
Your lips dropped open to reply, but the other cut you off before you had a chance, likely sensing your confusion.
“Tess caught some of the others on their way back. They mentioned you’d been separated, so I came to see if you were still alive.” He drawled, that Texan accent coating each word like a thick layer of honey.
“Still here, somehow.” You huffed out a short laugh, and it only caused another bout of pain to flare behind your eyes, wincing with the pressure.
“Stop movin’, I’ll be back in a second.” Joel announced suddenly, shifting to get up from where he had been crouched with a groan of his own, heading in the direction of your busted kitchen cabinets. He knew that you’d have some alcohol stashed somewhere, grabbing a half empty bottle and a nearby cloth that looked clean enough before returning, this time sitting himself at your side on the couch.
“If you don’t die from blood loss, surely the infection will get ya.” And without any warning, those rough hands were pushing your own out of the way, pulling up the blood soaked shirt that had adhered itself to your skin, his gaze never wavering from the task at hand. Joel carefully doused the cloth in a sufficient amount of alcohol, before bringing it to the wound at your side, the sting of it immediately burning as he wiped away some of the dried blood, and all you could do was whine in agony and attempt to keep yourself upright with whatever strength you had left. The slash was deep, but nothing important had been damaged. With the proper care, it would become nothing more than an ugly scar.
The room fell silent for a moment as the man worked on cleaning up your wound, thick with the words that neither of you dared to speak for fear of breaking the stillness. It was all still somewhat of a shock, not only Joel being in your apartment, but tending to your injuries without being summoned to do so. The guy was brash and frightening to most, having a reputation for keeping to himself majority of the time, much like yourself. The both of you had been known to skirt around one another, too similar in your ways which tended to result in clashing opinions. Joel was just as emotionally distant as you were, which is why the current circumstances were so surreal.
“Bandages?” He asked after what felt like an eternity, your eyes catching his own before flicking away, though you could feel his gaze searching the side of your face regardless.
“Bathroom, under the sink.” You managed to wheeze out, and without any time to spare, the man was up from the couch to go retrieve those as well, returning just as quickly as he had left.
It felt incredibly odd to just sit here while Joel rummaged around your apartment, the couch dipping down with his weight once more so that he could attend to your injuries. It was even stranger when the man took your hand ever so gently to place it against the cut on your side, instructing you to apply pressure while he prepared the bandages.
Nonetheless, you listened, too worn down to question much of anything right now, and pushed as hard as you could muster against the cut in your skin, biting at your lip enough to potentially draw blood as to not let out any more cries of pain. This didn’t last long however, as Joel once again removed your hands so that he could apply the bandages swiftly, years of experience coming in handy.
“Jesus, you been bleedin’ out all this time.” He muttered as he worked, finishing off the patch up job with another swipe of the cloth against your side to assure that most of the blood was cleared.
The room quickly fell quiet again, your head swivelling slowly to look at the man at your side, only to see that Joel was still holding onto the fabric of your ruined shirt, clearly contemplating what to do next. You could nearly see the gears turning behind that crease between his thick eyebrows.
“Grab me some clean clothes.” You said, cutting the tension and giving the other something to do besides sit there, but it was also a way to get a bit of distance between the both of you. This closeness was overwhelming in every sense, and maybe it was the concussion speaking, but you were starting to feel slightly sick from it.
Joel was not gentle, he was not kind, and he certainly wasn’t one to coddle or look after anyone unless the situation was dire. Even then, you had only observed this behaviour when it came to Tess, most people assuming that the two of them were indeed a couple, though nothing had been confirmed. It was almost as if he had been possessed, peering over to where the man had walked into your bedroom to forage through the drawers in search for something new for you to wear. Maybe you really were dying and simply experiencing hallucinations, as that could be the only explanation for all of this.
Before Joel could return, your injuries made themselves known once again with another wave of feeling lightheaded, toppling sideways on the cushions as before. The blood loss was extensive, the concussion just as troubling, and regardless of the older man who was now making his way back over in your direction, your vision went black around the edges until you could no longer see at all, fading out of consciousness.
-
It felt all too familiar, the hazy blur of your surroundings coupled with the heat of something weighing down on your body, except this time the warmth was much more substantial and fairly noticeable than before. You were lodged against something solid, resembling the rigidity of your broken-down mattress, though there was a sort of softness that was foreign to your usual surroundings. "Good, you didn't die on me." Oh right, Joel was here. Joel was still here, but not only that, he was in your room, perched on the edge of the bed. Looking down, you notice the change in your attire, now dressed in a thick sweater and some old sweatpants you had stashed away, a blanket tucked over your hips. Your body still ached and your head felt even worse, but at least this was a tad more comfortable than where you had previously blacked out on the couch. "You needed to get warm." He mumbled in explanation after noticing the way you were examining your surroundings. Only now was it sinking in that it wasn't possible for you to get dressed on your own, as you had been unconscious. That must be the reason that Joel was refusing to even turn his head in your direction, staring off at one of the bedroom walls as if it was suddenly so interesting. So that means...Joel had seen everything. That wasn't mortifying or anything. Despite the invasion of privacy, it was a thoughtful gesture that you greatly appreciated. "Thanks...this is a lot better." You say with a soft sigh, sinking into the pillow beneath your throbbing head. Still, the man doesn't bother to look in your direction, and now that things had settled down, those questions from before had risen up once again, despite the nerves at figuring out what had happened while you weren't mentally present. So you decide to finally ask. "Why are you still here?" And now the other had finally dared to look at you, those heavy eyes peering into your own with an unreadable face to match. Joel was a hard guy to understand and an even harder one to break, so when his body shifted along the mattress to turn more in your direction, it made your breath hitch in your throat, which at least you could blame on your unstable condition if he had noticed it. "You'd be fuckin' dead if it weren't for me." He grumbled, attempting to deflect the genuine tone attached to your question, but you could see right through the way his eyes flicked away from yours before returning again. As strange as this was for you, it was clearly just as strange for him, despite his continuously caring actions. "I know, and I'm grateful. I appreciate you looking out for me-" And before you could get another word out, the man let out a scoff, head shaking before locking his gaze on your confused expression. "I shouldn't have to be lookin' out for you. If you weren't so goddamn careless, I wouldn't have to be here." He barked, leaning in on the mattress to where he was almost towering over your battered body, imposing in your personal space without hesitance. "I didn't ask you to do this, Joel. I didn't ask you to stay." You countered, the raised tone of your voice doing nothing to help the pounding behind your eyes. "But I had to stay, didn't I? I had to make sure you didn't fuckin' bleed out on the floor. I couldn't let you go out like that." He sighed in response, and just for a second, there was a flash of something across that worn down face of the man above you, something that let you catch a glimpse of the ‘monster’ behind the walls that he built up to keep everyone out. Something that alluded to the fact that Joel might actually care, and that thought was scarier than whatever was going on with you physically. "Why…?” And you knew that this continual questioning must be grating on the man’s nerves, but you just had to know. What was the motivation behind all of this? You had found yourself beginning to warm up to Joel over time, but it seemed nearly impossible that he felt the same way towards you.
After a myriad of silence, you asked once again, and this time it was met with another deep sigh from the man, his gaze straying from your face to rest somewhere along the bed, avoiding your eyes directly.
“I told myself i’d keep you safe.” He revealed quietly after a moment of heavy silence, and for such a simple statement, it hit you like a truck. It was essentially, in Joel’s own terms, a confession of fondness. For the man to go out of his way to ensure your safety and general wellbeing was confusing to say the least, and however much you wanted to accept it, you just couldn’t.
You had been so independent for so long, physically incapable of allowing anyone to tend on you unless absolutely necessary, and this entire encounter had already been more than you could usually handle. The embarrassment was slowly beginning to creep in, those tendencies to push people away coming back in full force, and now it was your turn to avert your gaze away from the other.
“Please…you don’t have to.” You attempted to weakly plead, but it wasn’t very convincing despite your efforts. “I can handle myself.”
“Like hell you can” Joel countered before you were even finished speaking. The man was no fool, and it was blatantly obvious that you were neglecting your own health lately, especially with the current circumstances.
Despite the harshness in which he had been speaking to you thus far, you noted that his expression had softened out just slightly, or at least you thought so based on the stolen glances you took in between staring at the tattered blankets thrown across your lower half.
The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, and it seemed like neither of you wished to speak and cause a disturbance to the awkward silence that had been created, until Joel finally took a breath.
“Scoot over.” He demanded suddenly, giving you no time to adjust as he shifted to drag his legs up onto the bed, seemingly intent on settling down beside you. It was shocking to say the least, but you complied easily, making enough room for the man to rest himself at your side, his back pressed against the headboard.
You could never have imagined yourself in a situation such as this, bleeding and battered with the man that was Joel Miller having been the one to take care of you, and was now joining you by resting atop your sheets. The both of you were quiet, refusing to ruffle the somewhat comfortable silence that had settled, only the sound of your conjoined breathing echoing around the shabby room. Without realizing, you had faded into a light slumber from the gentle, soothing silence that engulfed you, only waking when a patrol vehicle barrelled down the street at some hour during the early morning, the engine rumbling loud enough to agitate your aching head. As you came into consciousness, the wound on your side screaming to remind you of its presence, you could only focus on the heat that was pressed against your back that was overwhelmingly obvious, with only one thing that could be the culprit, causing your heart to pick up at even the mere thought of such a thing. It was an agonizing process to roll over on the bed, the throbbing behind your eyes only worsening with each strenuous movement, but it was well worth it to bear witness to the sight before you once you had finally managed to flip over. Joel lay at your side, an arm lightly slung over your waist that had been somewhat disturbed by your change in position, sleeping soundly as you had never seen him do before. Oftentimes, Joel had elected himself as the lookout when necessary during supply runs, so it was truly an extraordinary display to see the man resting in such a way as this, dead to the world as light breaths passed his lips, in awe that you were able to observe him so closely. His thick brows had lost the seemingly permanent crease between them, with dark lashes resting against his tanned skin. It was unusual to see Joel without his classic scowl, but you decided that you much preferred this expression.
"Go back to sleep." And the sudden low grumbling had startled you, only realizing that the man was somewhat awake after your heart had calmed down from the fright, which meant that he was clearly aware that you had been staring at him. How embarrassing. It would be bold to act on your sleepy impulses, afraid of testing the waters, but it was ultimately the slight tug on your clothes from the others hand that had convinced you to settle down once again, still facing the rugged man that had placed you in bed and decided to crawl in beside you. It still felt unreal, especially in the early morning light that had begun to peek through tattered curtains, illuminating the high points of Joel's angled features. Finally, you decided to do as you had been told, shifting to nudge your face against the mans chest, able to catch the scent of smoke, what was surely just dirt, and something that was inherently just Joel. He didn't oppose to the action, so you stayed put, comforted by the warmth that his solid body provided. In this place, your wounds had been forgotten, the fear and uneasiness you had felt all your life merely fading into the background. All that mattered at this moment was the strong arm that held you close, but gentle all the same. You were safe, and even if the morning would come to be confusing and awkward when the both of you were to face the reality of the chaos from the night before, that was a problem for then, not now. At this moment, this was something that you had not known you were craving, but it was filling a gap that you were unaware had even been there. It was uncharacteristic for the both of you, not to mention a complete shift in whatever relationship had been established previously, yet it felt all too natural. Joel was beside you, he had stayed the night after cleaning you up from your injuries, and that meant more than you could ever put into words. Perhaps he would deny his actions once the sun rose fully, but for now, he was resting peacefully with a grip on your waist. However he tried to deny it, you would still know the truth. However you tried to deny your own feelings, it would be the same. For right now, you were together, whatever that could possibly mean in the future.
