Fight about (a)sexuality. Me VS ???
Buckle up People. This is going to be a wild ride…
And just so you know: This text has been written and read and re-written probably a thousand of times (Actually just three times). Because I get really emotional in this. But I want to do this right… And I am afraid I won‘t manage that. Because I am jumping from one point to another and My grammar is horrible... I apologize for both.
So I don‘t know if you know this App: ACEapp. It is supposed to be an App were all kind of asexuals can communicate with each other. So basicly a safe room for Asexuals. Pretty neat.
This happened on this App. The App itself is not responisble and I know that it has nothing to do with it.
But I just think that a) you should be aware of that you can run across people like this even there and b) that misinformation like this could destroy a life.
What exactly am I talking about?
I met two people there that were completly convinced that asexuality is the same as abstinent...
For your understanding how that went down:
I had a discussion with a guy on there about that asexual is not abstinent (I am not really sure how we got to that topic anymore...).
Let me give you the definitions of these words so you don‘t get confused.
Asexual: This person experiences no sexual atttraction.
Abstinent: This Person choose to life without sex.
You see these things are not at all synonymes for each other.
And I got really worked up because he wouldn‘t even listen to me.
Then a girl wrote me and asked me how I was doing (Like you do when you write at someone without knowing what to write) and I answered truthfully that I am a little frustrated because of this discussion with the guy. And she wanted to know more (Like what about). So I wrote to her the whole thing… And she meant He was right.
Just to make obvious: Now I had the two people telling me that Aseuxals live without any Sexual Acts and that that is supposed to be the definition of it.
Let‘s say I was more than shocked.
And I went into a discussion with her about the definiton about asexuality… and it expanded a little. Because I really was … shocked.
If you want to read the discussion: I made screenshots. Unluckily that whole thing is in German… So if you don‘t speak German that could become a problem – but I am trying to give you all the run down here on English.
But this whole Thing really upset me. Because I gave her the official Definition of asexuality (I made a Photo of the Wikipedia Article – pretty good one in my eyes) and she still meant that that was wrong.
And I can‘t and won‘t understand and tolerate people who won‘t listen to facts. I wanted to stop the whole conversation and break the contact, because I knew then that I wouldn‘t get along with this person at all. But she didn‘t want to and we continued the whole thing.
I asked questions about her definition and expanded the thinking to other sexualities.
What shocked me again (I really shouldn‘t have been surprised by that, come to think of it) was her opinion on bisexuality. I asked her if a bisexual Man who had a grilfriend and slept with her, was still bisexual in her eyes. She said No, he is hetero.
I got so upset because of that. I had the urge to kick something. I don‘t know what. Anything.
Just so you understand why this upsets me so strongly: I am asexual and sex neutral. My best friend is bisexual and she is in a wonderful relationship with her bisexual boyfriend (they are really cute togethere). And both of them are facing the problem that other people don‘t take their bisexual identity seriously. So I am quite close to this topic.
That this girl was telling me the classic: You have to decide blabla.
I had the urge to bang my head against a wall. (I didn‘t)
If you think this whole thing can‘t get worse…. Boy will you be surprised.
By this stage I already told my friends about this whole discussion and they were totally on my side. I even asked someone from the Instagramm profile asexual_alliens (I can only advice you to follow them, they are wonderful and lovely people) just to get myself again in the mind of that I had all the facts on my side and that I was right and that it would be ok.
Just so I knew that I wasn‘t alone in my frustration.
I continued the questioning about were she would put certain people.
And let me just say it had a certain kind of logic, not just a very good one or one that was really thought through.
I thought her definition (that i filtered from the answers) and thought the whole thing consequently through.
In short: It collapsed. Obviously.
She even admitted that she didn‘t even knew her one definiton completly. I was like: wat.
But the discussion didn‘t stop there.
Oh no. I was one a war path! (DuDuDuuuuum. Momma Bear got running and once i run, there is no stoping me.)
So yeah. I continued the questions and i annoyed her a lot. As she put it „Du gehst mir auf den Geist“ (english: You are going me on the ghost.)
At that point I was grinning and sniggering. I dont know why. Maybe it got to my head. Maybe I thought that she finally cracked and noticed that she was losing the discusion (because she was losing. Miserably)
But she did the unthinkable.
She changed the topic quite suddenly and asked me about my age (which i gave in my profile… sure you can lie there but why would i tell her then in a chat-? Nevermind), I answered (not getting why my age is important for a discussion) and she asked me what I was doing here on the App.
My answer was: I identify as asexual and want to get to know other asexuals. Maybe even befriend them.
And that the whole thing went down hill….
In short: In her eyes I am a child (with 21. 21! - how am I still a child with that? Teenager I could still accept, when I squint my eyes and tilt my head), she called me little one (Kleine in german) and told me to go to sleep – what is very rude, you must admit.
Now. If you don‘t understand why I went caboom when she called me „Kleine“ (little one): In German that can be used in two ways. In a cute and loving way or in a degrading and disrespectful way. Given that she also said „Go to bed, little one.“ It clearly wasn‘t meant in a nice way. So yeah. I exploded. Not in the conversation with her. But still.
Don‘t ever EVER! Do that, people. It is mean and shallow.
I reacted by asking her surprised how old she was and she just said „Older than you“ (I am keeping the age she used on her profile for me – officialy she was older) which I found a little bit rude. But ok.
I didn‘t gave up then. Of course I didn‘t. I am stubborn – which is not very good in such cases.
And on the fact of that I told her that I am sex neutral: Guess what she told me?
She actually dared to tell me, that I was not asexual. But Hetero.
I had several thoughts running through my mind for that.
First one was: Excuse you?!
Second one: Why hetero? I don‘t want to be hetero!
Fourth one: How does She want to know that I am hetero? Why can‘t I be gay?! - This thought was coming because I was still in the discussion…
Needless to say I only got one answer. To the question why I am not asexual. And her answer was: Because Asexuals don‘t like sexual acts. (Masturbation, I had found out, counts at that too.)
That doesn‘t even to abstinent!! People who live abstinent don‘t (have to) hate sex. Maybe some do. Certainly not all of them. They just choosed not to do it.
When it comes to Asexual the spectrum of what their postion to sex is, is different for every asexual. Sure there are some who can‘t even stand to think about sex, but that doesn‘t mean that every other asexual feels that way.
In the end I asked her if she could give me at least one of her sources. Where had she gotten this information that asexuals are abstinent and every asexual hates every kind of sexual act?
Needless to tell you that she wouldn‘t give me one.
She only told me that I had the wrong information.
Even when I asked her if she then could give me a source with the “right“ information (again), she wouldn‘t do it.
Her definition of asexual was how she experienced being asexual, and that was sex repulsed. And because of that all asexuals were abstinent.
I ended it there with telling her that she had no idea how definitions and research actually work. That she had no real arguments and no proof to back herself up…
She just told me that I should give up, and I left the chat with the rethorical question „So I am just supposed to believe your opinion without thinking about it?“
Now: I personally believe that Germans are very careful with taking opinions without checking them as facts. Because of the second world war. I believe, we learned our lesson (saddly in the news I hear about the neo-nazis and the hate that is coming up again. It really scares me that humans actually do these things again…)
When I talked with my best friend about this I found somethings out about this whole conversation.
1. The only person in this who actualy had viewed it as a discussion, was me. (Would she have given me a really, really good argument and good proof – I would have changed my defintion. But she didn‘t) For her it was just a fight. She was not willing to change her mind, whatever I would have done, nothing would have happened.
2. People like that are everywhere. Stuck in their world and not noticing how wrong their are and unwilling to change.
3. Getting into an argument with people like that is pretty useless… It felt like running against a wall. In German we have a saying for something like this and i think it fits: „Du kannst das Pferd zu Tränke bringen, du kannst es nicht zwingen zu trinken.“ (You can bring the horse to the water, but you can‘t force it to drink.)
So in short summary: I had a fight with someone about the definition about asexuality. Had one night full of anger and anxiety where I could hardly fall asleep and couldn‘t sleep through (my best friend told me that what I had experienced is something people with high anxiety experience in situations of great (dis)stress – so yeay me…). I had a mayor headache the next day, because of this too.
Got insulted and degraded because I wanted proof and because of my age (which is really shallow – come on – that was practicly name calling.) and practicly got nothing out of it. Just that my believe in humanity is pretty much destroyed… Hurray. -.-
So for those who did not get it yet.
Asexual = doesn‘t feel sexual attraction to any gender. They may enjoy sexual acts, or not. That does not change their validity of being an asexual.
Abstinent Person = A person of any sexuality that choose (activly choose) not to have any sex.
I don‘t understand why people love alcohol. I do enjoy on important occasions (Like a wedding or Christmas when I feel like it) a very good wine, but if someone would offer me one just like that I wouldn‘t drink it. Because I am not interested at all in it. It holds no appeal to me and it doesn‘t taste that good for me. I don‘t buy any bottles or anything.
Other people drink every weekend.
And some don‘t drink ever. They choose not to drink, not because they don‘t like it (maybe they love drinking), but because they think it is the right thing for them.
So yeah. That is the whole difference, I think.
If I got the difference between asexual and abstinent wrong, feel free to correct me. After all, noone is perfect and I am (almost) always up for learning something new.
I hope I didn‘t ruined your day with this. But I really want to get this out of my system, and writting it down and hearing the opinion of other people helps me a little bit.
