I guess things went too well. That kind of way you always have to come back to ask yourself "is this really happening?" because you can't hardly believe it. I'm beginning to think there's some kind of grudge on this whole project. I have no other ways to explain the shit that's been happening ever since we've put this band together. I'm literally out of explantations. I find myself leaning more and more towards the usual maybe-it's-not-meant-to-be but I'm too much of a stubborn bastard to finally commit to that statement and call it quits. I don't want to see it die completly. And I'm afraid that this is just the beginning of a whole shitload of mistakes, failures and whatnot.
It was all fine until last Friday. It wasn't great but it was good. That kind of good that makes you think "It's not perfect but hey...I'm okay with that." of course there's always room for improvement but this time I really thought we were about to enter better times. 8 years of friendship and working together and then the person you've trusted your life with is just...gone. This is obviously meant more methaphorically, seeing as she's still there but still...I can't bring myself to realize it's over. I look over at that empty space right behind that mic and it makes me feel weird. I can't imagine someone being even remotely capable of replacing her. Sure, there will be someone else in the near future. Someone I'll get used to, I'm sure. 8 years of constantly talking to each other and having the music that always connected the two of you and now I feel like someone brutally pulled that part away from me. She saw my anger. She felt my disappointment and maybe she even noticed that I should have been more thankful for her presence in the last few weeks. I didn't fucking plan this. I thought it would always be her and me. Together, standing strong and living the dream. I thought, that someday we would be both living a better life. And now it's just me who's left. It's like I'm the last one to turn the lights off once the curtains fall. And I don't want to leave this room ever. I don't want it to end but jesus fucking christ...to say I'm scared of what the future holds for us is an understatement.
I guess I was wrong. I can't be blamed for anything but I still kinda feel like I've been too caught with myself to notice the changes in her behaviour, the lack of a smile, of her usual warmth. I did notice that something was wrong but I never said anything. I never asked. I took it for granted.
At the same time I just wanna scream. It wasn't a fair move.
Funny. I'm literally the last one. I have no idea how to cope with that situation. Is that the lesson I need to learn? that now, even after my oldest friend has left me, I need to try and make the best out of it on my own?
Now it's all about picking up the pieces and see what we can save. I've gained a friend and I've lost one. Hopefully I'll be able to be strong for the both of us. Hell, I need to be strong for everyone else as well.
It's a tough job, trust me.
