i'm finally watching The Return (that ralph fiennes last-half-of-the-odyssey film)
the scene where the ithacan herders ask him about the trojan war and what odysseus was like (bc obviously they don't know they're speaking to odysseus) and he's about to tell them and goes
but his voice trails off so he never finishes that sentence and MWAH it's so good
to jump in the ocean at troy and SWIM all the way to the sound where the greeks have hidden their ships
and there's the longest shot in a silent movie ever where we watch this poor actor come slowly swimming alllllll the way past the ships to the shore where the greek commanders are like really anxious and jumping up and down waiting to hear what sinon has to say about the fucking horse plan working out or not
YOU COULD HAVE PLANNED THIS PART A LITTLE BETTER, ODYSSEUS
i'm really trying my best to follow the tide of battle here but i'm a little distracted by hector of troy getting dicked down front and center in the audio mix
FIRST HALF! watch me lose all principles whenever i think a melody is nice
like idk man the poster for this gives me that HE ONLY DID IT FOR LOVE thing with paris that doesn't appeal to me, that's why i haven't checked it out before. i feel they're gonna turn him into a hapless but sympathetic hero. bet there won't be an oenone. but here we go
IT'S SO EIGHTIES. I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THIS EIGHTIES. oh this is good actually
when homer (!) is dramatically presenting all the main players, in my mind i can't help but see them strike sassy poses as the spotlights hit them, their sequins flashing. "agamemnon! of mycenea!"
"ulysses! of ithaca! / longs for peace and security" i don't know if i like that as the main trait he's introduced with but okay let's see how he works in this paris-centered narrative
'head without a heart' IS SO GOOD. ohh it's just the kind of eighties' vibe i like.
oh this this framing might place the blame of the trojan war more at paris' feet than helen's, which i like, but also that he's just a stupid youngster, and that's interesting too: "Not some mad messiah of destruction and fire / Just a lovestruck youth"
ohhh and i LOVE paris interacting directly with cassandra! he never seems to do that in any adaptations. "Sister, please don't grieve / I've learned my part to the letter"
'straight ahead': HOLY SHIT GET HYPE. it's so extremely "cool protagonist is finally gonna live his life" opening number. it's weird to have paris be that kind of protagonist. but also it makes me think about how this poor shepherd boy was the WORST guy to make an ambassador, like cassandra IS right about that.
ugh i don't like when they put the weird histrionic plot stuff in the middle of a cool-ass song.
i'm dying at the others screaming at paris while he's like "the sea and sky :D my friends and i :D what could go wrong, what could -AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
paris falls in love with helen at first sight and assumes she's aphrodite. does aeneas know paris is weird about his mom. oh my god i just realized EVERYBODY'S weird about aeneas' mom, that's gotta be exhausting for him
"i married young, in love with power" oh it's one of those where helen's unhappily married. sigh. okay.
OH the way 'business' takes off after agamemnon's evil laugh. i'm appalled at the characterization but i'm just gonna have to roll with it because the music in this thing rocks
THERE HE IS! QUAST-PATROCLUS. who's like "ummmmm wHY are we having a meeting without my bestie achilles here"
OHH AGAMEMNON TRICKED ACHILLES SO HE WOULDN'T APPEAR AND BE VOTED COMMANDER. okay if we're doing evil agamemnon at least he's clever
oh this is a rum tum tugger-ass achilles omg. ohh i hate this but it's so funny. weakest character song so far
ahahaaa ulysses looking at paris' rags and telling him "To gain entry by disguise is an excellent ploy / I shall remember that, prince of Troy"
i enjoy helen being kinda exhausted by the whole thing. "Stop your adoration, I don’t need complications / I'm not a goddess, I am king Menelaus’ wife"
evil agamemnon using the abduction for his own political gain. hm. that makes sense actually (as long as he's evil i mean)
oh now 'thief in the night' establishes that menelaus really loves helen, i didn't expect that from this kind of framing. how is this gonna end now
HELEN HAS SUDDENLY KILLED SOMEONE? WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN SONGS??
"I love her / I believe she loves me" I WISH SOMEONE WOULD ASK HER. I THINK IT WOULD BE GOOD TO MAKE SURE.
jon english who wrote this also plays hector and does NOT give himself enough songs to go ham on, god his voice is so good when he's PUSHING IT
PHILIP QUAST AS PATROCLUS??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
i haven't even reached any greek characters yet but i'm reading the cast list and JAVERT is PATROCLUS in an eighties' rock musical i'm gonna lose my MIND
i've finally decided to check out paris the 80s rock musical and OH MY GOD???
i'm only on the third song but this is SO DELICIOUSLY EIGHTIES down to how hard the singers are going. the trojan war with synths and sequins!!
LISTEN to this (go to 0:30 to skip the intro) and see what i mean:
the characters singing this song are -- checks notes -- laocoon (?!) and cassandra, with paris (jon parr's SEXY-ASS HOARSE EIGHTIES ROCKER VOICE) joining in at 2:25
alrighty, so that was THE FALL OF TROY (1911), it's only half an hour long
in summary--
the story is even more pared down that i expected, even for a tableau-type silent film
impressive streamlining of the beginning of the war! it just mentions "paris, who is favoured by aphrodite--". he isn't villain-coded, just in love and very earnest, and also helen is NOT a slut, NOR is she unwilling. she tries to resist but falls in love too
there are no villains! i genuinely do enjoy that
i'm annoyed that menelaus doesn't forgive her at the end
the only named characters are menelaus, helen, paris, aphrodite, priam and sinon. that's right, no sign of achilles or odysseus or hector. it's weird -- SINON is the big hero. i thought at LEAST we'd get aeneas (it being an italian production) but no
the horse looked impressive until they moved it and you saw the one sheet of painted plywood wobble so much. i became less and less impressed by the visuals in this, especially for a tableau movie
also NOT impressed by the poses the actors are making, they are far less conscious of angles and rhythm than what i expect from this era
during the siege of troy an actor comes SO close to getting accidentally crushed by a falling column, i yelped irl
