A Day in the Department of Fuckery
Warnings: Occasional curse word and tons of crack.
Written by Admin Karebear
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It was a peaceful morning within the palace of the heavens. Although powerful beings such as gods did not need sleep, many retired to their private rooms when the sun set and spent quiet time with their families or lovers. The sun was half-way above the horizon now, painting the endless sky a shade of beautiful orange. Most of the gods who lived in the palace had yet to leave their rooms and begin work, but unfortunately, duty called for some at this hour.
“Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?” Teresa complained, dragging her feet down the empty hallway.
“Zyglavis.” Kare replied, turning her head left so she could look at her companion. “Apparently he requested to have the meeting at this time.”
“Who the heck approved it?”
“The king.”
Teresa groaned. “Of course he did. Probably wants to see me suffer.”
Kare smirked. “Well, our job is to amuse him.”
Teresa, the Goddess of Equality, had long black hair, dark eyes and wore eyeglasses for style. She served as the minister for the Department of Fuckery. Kare, the Goddess of Peace, also wore a pair of glasses in front of her brown eyes, though her hair was berry purple and stopped on top of her shoulders. Kare was chosen as the vice-minister for the new department.
The Department of Fuckery was created not long ago by the King of the Heavens. His Highness felt that the palace had grown too dull and was growing quite bored of his old tricks. So, by creating a new department with some of the most chaotic goddesses in the heavens, the king had found a new way to toy with the gods in Wishes and Punishments.
Reaching the large door at the end of the hall, the goddesses went in. On the other side was a grand room held for meetings between all three departments. As expected, the minister and vice-minister of Punishments were already inside.
“Good morning gentlemen.” Kare greeted the men upon entry.
“Good morning.” Zyglavis replied.
Instead of using words, Scorpio replied with a nod, not thrilled about the early hour either. The women took their seats on their side of the circular table, Teresa’s eyes fixing into a glare pointed at Zyglavis. The ambiance of the room turned from quiet to awkward in a matter of minutes.
Finally, Zyglavis let out a sigh. “Lady Teresa, is there something you would like to say?”
If it were possible, Teresa’s glare grew colder. “Yeah. What’s the deal with holding the meeting at this ungodly hour?”
“Punishments has a large task to complete later today. This time was best for us.”
“Oh, so we’re working around your schedule-”
“Teresa.” Kare cut in, giving the Fuckery Minister a look.
Teresa huffed and crossed her arms, slouching back into her chair. Kare wasn’t usually this uptight, but when it came to work that woman didn’t didn’t make a habit of messing around.
The door opened once again, revealing the missing Minister and Vice-Minister of Wishes. Leon, unsurprisingly, looked annoyed while Karno wore a friendly, relaxed expression.
“You’re late.” Zyglavis snapped, his tone sharp and unforgiving.
“Yes, we’re sorry.” Karno apologized, taking a seat. “There were some... distractions this morning.”
Scorpio scoffed. “Figures.”
The corner of Leon’s mouth curled up. “Spent the night alone again, did you?”
Scorpio clicked his tongue and narrowed his eyes. “Better then whatever disgusting woman you allowed into your bed.”
Kare bit her bottom lip and quickly clasped a hand over her mouth to hide her smile, trying to withhold the giggles bubbling in her chest. Teresa, on the other hand, burst into a fit of laughter, not caring when Leon’s glare shifted to her.
Zyglavis, who’s eyebrows furrowed another inch, cleared his throat. “It’s time to get started. Punishments doesn’t have the luxury of time the four of you do.”
“You wouldn’t be so behind if you got your problem children under control.” Leon said, a confident smirk tugging at his lips. “Perhaps you should transfer them to Fuckery. Seems like they’ll get more work done over there.”
Teresa wasn’t laughing anymore. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Ichthys would fit in, honestly...” Kare muttered.
The Fuckery Minister turned to her Vice-Minister. “Ok, he would, but that’s not the point.”
Karno, seeing that the meeting was going no where, decided to take things into his own hands. “I see that everyone has a lot of energy this morning. We should be able to get through this rather quickly if we begin now.”
Kare nodded in agreement. “Every Department has a problem child and we shouldn’t leave them unattended for too long.”
‘Our entire department is nothing but problem children.’ Teresa thought.
“Fine. We’ll start.” Leon said, sliding a paper across the table in Teresa’s direction. “What the hell is this foreign language?”
“I was going to ask about that, too.” Zyglavis added. “It’s incomprehensible.”
Teresa lifted a brow and picked up the paper, reading the first few lines. “Dammit, Cupid.”
Kare glanced over. “Don’t tell me she-”
“Wrote in human slang again? Why yes, yes she did.”
“Oh boy.”
Teresa cleared her throat and began reading out loud. “This week, I would like to report that there had been an increased number of thots roaming the palace. I have reason to believe these thots were given an invitation to enter by either Leon, Teorus or Tauxolouve from the Department of Wishes, though there is also a possibility that Partheno from Punishments is involved. I can’t help but LOL at how shook some of these thots looked; can’t determine if they’ve been ghosted yet or not. These thots were trying to flex, but I threw hands with those extra goddesses. In the end, I got them to spill some tea, hit them with a ‘Bye, Felicia’, then yeeted their salty asses out the door. It was lit and I wish someone was there to see me snatch their weaves. I can’t help but ROFL at how highkey desperate these thots are to sleep with any of the gods listed above. Now I’m hangry.”
Now finished reading, Teresa looked up at the others. Everyone seated at the table, except for Kare, clearly were unable to process anything that had been said.
Kare broke the silence. “Basically, we’ve noticed a lot of goddess wandering the halls and have had to escort them out. Make sure your guys clean up after themselves.”
Scorpio clicked his tongue, eyes narrowing in rage. “That miget wrote all that garbage for a simple explanation like that?!”
“You say garbage, I say work or art.” Teresa said, folding the report. “Anything else we can translate for you?”
Karno nodded and placed a smaller paper in Kare’s hand. “This was attached to the front of the report.”
Kare read the note first in her head, then out loud. “Tell Aigo to report to my office for a pegging.” Her brows furrowred and she turned to her superior. “What’s pegging?”
Teresa shrugged. “First I’m hearing of it. She must have learned a new word. Did Aigo go see her?”
“Yeah. The way he jumped out of bed and ran, he must know what that term means.” Leon said.
Zyglavis, who usually had a face of stone, was looking away from everyone in attempt to hide his reddened cheeks. This failed, though, as Scorpio noticed right away.
“What the hell’s wrong with you?” Scorpio asked.
Zyglavis cleared his throat. “Nothing. I don’t see why we are wasting time translating this nonsense.”
Leon smirked. “Oh-ho, so Minister Ponytail does know what ‘pegging’ means.”
“If I did, I would have said so, rabid lion.”
The meeting continued. Gods had a very different sense of time then humans did, but even for the goddesses in Fuckery, time moved painfully slow. When it was finally over, Teresa and Kare returned to their department. Inside were more members of the Department of Fuckery, who had finally left their chambers. Moli, the Goddess of Domination and Maisey, the Goddess of Submission, were having a casual conversation on large couch. Curled up on a single chair was Kay, the Goddess of Innocence.
Moli was twirling a lock of long, red hair around her finger. Her green eyes were focused on Maisey, listening earnestly to her friend. Maisey had long hair that started brown, then faded into a deep shade of green that matched her eyes. Kay’s blue eyes were cast down to the book in her lap. Her hair was also red, but cut to her shoulders. All three were dressed in the Fuckery uniform, which resembled those belonging to Wishes and Punishments, just more of a femanine style. Each goddess in the department wore a velvet-red arm band.
“Thank god that’s over!” Teresa exclaimed, disrupting the quiet atmosphere. “Cupid, you coward! Where are you?”
“She’s in her office.” Moli said, pointing towards the back of the department.
Teresa huffed and stormed towards the office. Kare, choosing to stay behind, took a seat on the couch as well, near Kay’s chair.
“How was the meeting?” Kay asked.
“Chaotic, as always.” Kare replied, nodding towards the book in the red-head’s lap. “Whatcha’ reading?”
“A book from Earth. It’s called 50 Shades of Grey.”
“Sounds interesting. What’s it about?”
Kay’s cheeks turned pink as she shook her head. “You don’t wanna know.”
Kare was confused by the statement, but chose to let it go.
Moli reached over and tapped the vice-minister’s shoulder. “How was Zyg?”
The purple-haired goddess shrugged. “He didn’t seem any different then usual. Although, I’m a little worried he may be over-working himself...”
Maisey raised a brow. “What makes you say that?”
“His face flushed red in the middle of the meeting. If gods were capable of getting sick I would assume it was an illness, but he seemed, I don’t know, embarrassed?”
“Zyg? Embarrassed?” Kay asked, not believing her ears. “Impossible. Over what?”
“Cupid wrote something about ‘pegging’ in one of her notes and no one could figure out what it meant.”
Moli, who looked concerned a minute ago, was now smiling. She almost looked proud.
“Oh, I see.” Moli said, picking up her glass from the coffee table and taking a sip.
Moli and Maisey exchanged a look. Only they knew the reason behind Zyglavis’ embarrassment and who was the cause of it. Kare was about to ask, but Kay quickly shook her head as of saying ‘don’t’. So, once again, Kare was left in the dark.
Maisey downed the rest of her glass. “I gotta ask Hue for more wine. This is good shit.”
“I can’t believe how high your alcohol tolerance is.” Kay said. “Or that your drinking this early in the morning.”
Maisey shrugged. “Gotta get fucked up to fuck things up, right?”
“Preach!” Moli exclaimed, raising her glass in a toast before chugging the rest of it. “Hey, Kare, you want some?”
Kare thought about it. “I really shouldn- ah, screw it. Why not?”
“What about you, Kay?” Maisey asked.
Kay smiled but politely declined.
~
Teresa lifted her hand to knock on the door, but decided against and threw it open instead.
“Cupid, what the hell is this?” Teresa asked the department’s secretary, waving the report from earlier in her hand.
Cupid, who had been calmly writing at her desk, paused to look at the Minister. Cupid, the Goddess of Infatuation, was small but mighty. She had short brown hair and brown eyes that matched. Also in the room was Ruby. Ruby, the Goddess of Dreams, was the youngest in the department and acted as Fuckery’s messenger while training beneath the others. She had dark, medium length hair and gentle brown eyes.
“Ew, it’s you.” Cupid huffed. “That’s the report, you hooligan. Maybe if you stopped putting sugar on your lettuce you’d have figured that out.”
“Sugar on my- At least I don’t go after basic human white boys!” Teresa snapped back. “I knew what this was. Why all the slang? The gods couldn’t make any sense of it.”
“I was doing my job and made the meeting more entertaining.” Cupid smirked. “How ridiculous were their faces?”
Teresa laughed. “I’ve never seen Zyg look more confused in my life. Scorpio was kinda pissed, Leon was flat out confused and Karno was just like ‘oh, ok’. It was priceless.”
“Um, no one is going to get in trouble, right?” Ruby asked nervously. “Those meetings seem important, so...”
Teresa shook her head. “They’re important, yeah, but we’re the department of Fuckery; we’re supposed to mess a around. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be on the receiving end of the king’s boredom. That’s what Leon is for.”
“Ruby helped me with slang research.” Cupid said, patting the younger goddess’ head. “Good work.”
Ruby blushed. “T-Thank you.”
Teresa flashed Ruby a smile before turning back to Cupid. “By the way, what does ‘pegging’ mean? Leon and Karno want to know.”
Cupid laughed. “You don’t wanna know. Trust me. It will ruin you forever.”
“Nothing can ruin me more then the lot of you have.”
“Okay, you asked for it.” Cupid looked at Ruby. “Cover your ears for a minute.”
Ruby was confused, but did as told. Cupid approached Teresa and explained it to her quietly. When she finished, Teresa was frozen in place trying to process what she had just heard. Part of her wasn’t surprised, but at the same time, she was.
Teresa groaned. “Great. Now I have an image of you and Aigo-”
A voice suddenly shouted across the department. “Ladies! We have a problem!”
Teresa, Cupid and Ruby exchanged looks before racing into the main room where the others were. Kare, Moli, Maisey and Kay were still present, but one more goddess now stood amongst them. Bonnibell, the Goddess of Chaos, had a darker complexion then the others and was equally as beautiful with her curly dark hair and powerful eyes. In this moment, her eyes had a fire blazing behind them.
“B? What’s wrong?” Teresa asked.
“I caught a rat trying to sneak in here.” Bonnibell explained.
Ruby flinched. “A-A rat?”
“Poor thing must have lost it’s way.” Kay said. “We should release him outside.”
“Oh, it’s not that kind of rat.”
Bonnibell turned and headed out the door. The other goddesses were confused, but rushed after her, curious to see what their friend had caught.
Out in the hall, the goddesses found someone sitting on the floor, wrists and feet tied together. The god was wearing white clothing, had blonde hair and gold eyes. Everyone recognized him instantly.
“Teorus!” Kare exclaimed, eyes narrowing as her hands placed themselves on her hips. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Teorus laughed nervously. “I heard Fuckery was having some trouble with my goddesses, so I thought I would come guard the hallway. Can’t have anyone getting hurt, right?”
“Oh, so you’re the one who’s been letting all those thots in?” Cupid realized, crossing her arms.
“I don’t know what that means, but it sounds mean.” Teorus snapped his fingers to free himself from the bonds and stood up. “If you ladies are thaaaat jealous, my door is always open. I’ll accept you all.”
None of the goddess laughed. In fact, they were all harshly glaring at him. Teorus seemed to realize what grave he had just dug for himself and took off down the hall.
“After him!” Teresa commanded.
The goddesses of Fuckery gave chase, racing through the palace after the blonde god. Teorus could hear his heart pounding in his ears. He was so focused on the women hunting him that he didn’t think to slow down before racing around the corner. As a result, he ran face first into someone. The impact sent Teorus falling onto his ass.
“Ow!” Teorus hissed.
Krioff glared down at him. “What did you do that for?”
“Ah! Krioff!” Teorus exclaimed, still on the floor. “You gotta help me! The girls in Fuckery are reaaally mad at me!”
Krioff looked past Teorus to the mob of enraged goddesses standing before him. “I can see that.”
Knowing better then to get involved, Krioff turned his back and started walking in the other direction.
Teorus’ heart sank. “You’re not gonna help me?!”
“No. See ya.” Krioff replied, not looking back.
The goddesses pounced. Moli and Maisey each took a leg and started dragging Teorus across the floor, heading back to the department. The others followed, ignoring Teorus’ pleas for mercy and forgiveness. The goddesses hauled him into Fuckery and closed the door. Teorus’ screams could no longer be heard echoing in the halls.
~~~~~~~
Minister Teresa: @teresa-yukibito
Vice-Ministed Karebear: @karebearotome
Cupid: @incurablecupidity
Moli: @john-bull-leun
Maisey: @voltage-supernatural-art
Kay: @jer-ich0
Bonnibell: @bonnisimpparker
Ruby: @currentlysleepy