Hi Crowley, Tess here. Long story short. I am currently not in a good state of mental health, I am not even really able to deal with myself. After the election in the states (I am in Europe), my best friend in the US is scared and stuff and needs my help but I basically told him that I have struggles myself at the moment and that I am not really able to help emotionally and that, given by my lack of feelings at the moment, I am feeling rather annoyed by the election. He is so mad at me, help me?
Hello, Tess, it’s Crowley here. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you.
I completely understand why you told your friend that you couldn’t deal with emotionally supporting him right now, love, and I support you in that judgement call. We always want to help everyone around us, but sometimes we have the strength to help others stand, and sometimes we’re barely on our feet ourselves- we can’t support another’s weight. I know putting yourself first has always been a struggle for you, so in the midst of your dilemma, I do want to commend you on first of all taking care of your own needs.
It does sound like the way you stood up for yourself might not have been the most sensative, however. While it’s understandable you have to put yourself first right now, there may have been a way you could have disentangled yourself from your friend’s problems more gently. The election is a big deal in America right now, and a lot of people are very scared. I’m not saying you have to make this your problem, or even that you’re wrong to be annoyed by it. Your feelings are your feelings, and I’m not asking you to change them. But I think acknowledging that there might have been a kinder way to stand up for yourself will be a big help in resolving this tension. You need to talk with your friend. Communicate calmly and clearly about what’s going on in your side of this. Explain to him that it’s not that you don’t care, but you don’t have the strength to support both him and you right now, because you’re in a bit of a dark place yourself. And listen to him when he tells you how you made him feel. Your friend is scared that the new leader of his country will hurt him and the people he cares about, and in his mind, you just said you don’t care if that happens. And you might not be able to deal with it right now, but I know you, Tess. I know that’s not true.
Encourage your friend to reach out to others in his life. You can’t be the only resource he has when he needs help. And apologize. Not for putting yourself first, I’m proud of you for that, but for the way you did it. You were stressed and scared and hurting and frustrated and you snapped- it happens to the best of us, and it doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad friend. But I think if you want to repair this friendship, an apology and some mutual listening to each other will go a long way.
