Emotional invalidation is something I've experienced most of my life alongside general invalidation.
I've always been an emotionally sensitive person. I feel and I feel hard.
As a kid, I would often be told I felt too much by my mother. "Get over it." Was the most common response to any time i was upset.
Excitement: "you're acting stupid."
Sadness: "you're acting like someone died, get over it"
Hurt: "oh stop being so sensitive, learn to take a joke."
So many times those fleeting surface emotions - the ones you feel and then they're gone and onto something else - were dismissed, denied or doubted. So many times they were shoved down, masked, hidden. Held back. And when they weren't? They were broken down, inspected, questioned and doubted.
"You're being too defensive, I just said I don't think you really feel that way." "Are you sure you didn't do something to them to make them react that way?" "Why are you feeling ______, they just said-"
Emotions became something I didn't feel safe to share with any attempt of honesty They were too big, too much and always wrong in the eyes of those around me. And so I lied about how I felt. I learnt to mask.
Now that I'm a 30 something year old adult I know that my big emotions were partially thanks to my adhd and autism. The rest were just how I am. I'm a feeler. My emotions aren't a bad thing. I just need to learn how to process them in a healthy manner and I need to be heard.
But the thing with reoccurring emotional invalidation, especially in formative years, is that it really messes with a person's psychology and opens them to further abuse in their lives.
More susceptible to manipulation and abuse in relationships, romantic, platonic or familial. Also more susceptible to prolonging that cycle and doing the same thing to others.
For myself, it lead to various abusive relationships, one of which almost killed me. It lead to me hurting people i care about. It lead to a lifetime of ptsd and insecurities and a lot of self hatred.
So often I've felt like I have to hide and lie about and mask my emotional state. Push it down and bottle it up but it doesn't go away. It warps and grows and festers into something rotten and then it erupts into emotional blowouts.
All that anger or sadness or hurt coming out all at once.
And then, of course, because an eruption leaves victims, you hurt those closest to you at the time. And on top of the twisted, rotted emotions that you need to process and the guilt and regret you feel, those emotions are invalidated all over again.
A self perpetuating cycle
It's taken me a good many years of seeing a psychologist, some decent people in my life who love me and a lot of mistakes to learn that I'm allowed to feel, and even then, sometimes (more than I'd like to admit) I doubt myself.
It's taken me a long time to be able to separate surface emotions from those deeper ones. To learn that they don't have to connect. You can feel momentary frustration that goes away after you vent to someone. That's allowed. That's, dare I say, normal.
And I'm still learning and trying to put into practice that emotions and actions can be separated. You can be hurt by someone even though you know they were trying to do the right thing or that you understand why someone did or said something that frustrated you. Those can both be true, it doesn't have to be deeper.
And it's easy, especially when you have someone like myself with complex ptsd who has been dealing with trying to untangle and process deeper emotions and issues, or for someone with their own processes or issues listening to a friend or partner, to fall into a pattern of needing to over-analyse what lead to a particular emotion.
Hell, it's easy to do it to yourself as well.
But we need to remind ourselves that not everything needs to be core deep.
Sometimes we just want or need to be seen, heard and acknowledged in the moment.
It's important to remember as well, that EVERYONE does some level of emotional invalidation. It's going to happen.
The difference is whether it's an infrequent, occasional thing or a regular occurrence. Context is also extremely important.
These things don't get taught in school and due to the chain of trauma and abuse that travels down generational trees, many of us aren't lucky enough to have parents to teach us this stuff.
Add neurodivergent minds to the mix, who tend to feel and process emotions in such a wide, varied array of manners, and it really does feel like a lot of this stuff is just left to the winds for us to hope we stumble across.
So what is emotional invalidation?
Emotional invalidation generally includes dismissing, belittling, or otherwise casting doubt or judgment on another person’s feelings and emotions. When we emotionally dismiss people (even unknowingly), we express our feeling that their perception of their own experiences might not be important, accurate, or faithful. This form of emotional invalidation can cause significant emotional turmoil and also damage your relationship in whatever form it takes irreparably, which can lead to a toxic relationship.
Emotionally invalidating emotions can have a negative effect on not only your relationship with each other, but also the victim’s relationship to their own experiences. People who are emotionally invalidated may develop feelings of insecurity, unwantedness, or distrust.
A relationship with emotional invalidation results in a reduction of emotional safety, or the ability to trust your partner with your emotional well-being. Even unintentional emotional invalidation, if left uncommunicated for a long time, can weaken the trust and comfort felt in a relationship.
Some common forms of invalidation:
- "It could be worse." "Well at least it's not _____"
Casual conversation? Rolled a 3 on that stealth check? Yeah invalidating but not an offence.
Someone just told you they've been having thoughts of self harm? Lost their job and are upset? Extreme invalidation.
- "I'm sorry you feel that way"
You are checked out of the conversation. This doesn't alleviate any hurt or negative emotions and often causes more. (I've been guilty of this and am actively trying to ammend it)
- "you shouldn't feel that way." "You shouldn't let that get to you."
One of my mothers favourite lines when I tried to explain my anxiety or depression. Or that she hurt my feelings with her 'joke' about my weight. Instant mask maker.
- "don't think about it." "Just keep going."
Once again, some contexts not that bad, but these are some of the most aggregious I heard when I first found out about my disabilities and was processing the knowledge that I just would never be able to do some things again.
Less of an actual worded invalidation though can occasionally be combined with "I'm not discussing this right now."
Not knowing how to respond or needing time to process what you've been told is fine, it's normal, but don't just thrust someone who has just been emotionally vulnerable with you into silence.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what to say." Or "I just need a moment to process what you said" is a far better response.
Silence is used by a lot of abusers and narcissistic people as a punishment tool. In an emotionally charged environment it can create a sense of anxiety and pressure and can cause the victim to become reliant on the silence giver to break that silence. A form of power control.
So what can you do to validate someone?
- Recognize that validating someone’s emotional experience does not necessarily convey agreement with it or that you think they’re right. You can communicate that someone’s emotion is valid without liking the emotion. *Remember, emotion is different from behavior.
- Avoid becoming defensive or offering unsolicited advice. If you are the target of the emotion, try to accept responsibility for at least a small part of the complaint. If you have an idea on how to solve their problem, ask: “Do you want my help with this problem?” If the answer is “No,” focus on listening.
- Understanding must precede intervention. To truly listen to someone means to try to understand their position. The deeper you can understand where they’re coming from, the more validating you will be. BUT the key is maintaining the correct focus.
If your friend/partner/whoever has told you someone elses actions frustrated them, now is not the time to focus on why that other person acted that way. Focus on why your person is feeling frustrated.
"Why do you think they did that?" Is not a good answer, versus: "So am i correct that your frustration is because you feel like you're not being taken seriously?"
- Reflect the Feeling. “I can see you’re really upset.” “This must be so frustrating.”
- Summarize the experience. “I totally understand that you’re upset because I wasn’t on time which was rude and irresponsible.” “This must be so painful, it’s devastating to experience such a loss.”
- Avoid telling someone about their emotional experience unless asked
As an outsider, we may have our own perspectives on a situation that differs, but ultimately it isn’t up to us to decide whether their emotions are accurate or if they deserve to feel a certain way.
If you have questions about emotional invalidation in your relationship or in someone else’s life, you may choose to do additional research by reading about the topic in psychological journals and online forums.
More than just keeping yourself from repeating harmful behaviors like emotional invalidation, becoming better listeners can help us practice validating behaviors. Listening attentively when someone expresses their feelings may seem like a basic step, but it goes a long way in making sure they are being genuinely understood.
