Captain Awkward It Came From The Search Terms!
3 “Captain Awkward how not to be someone your adult child writes to advice columnists about.”
This could become a very long list/book chapter unto itself, but these are a few common elements I notice in recurring parent-child conflicts in my inbox:
Your children are not your property nor are they extensions of you. Grocery bills and tuition payments were not a down payment on a lifetime of obedience.
Your children are experts on their own experiences and needs, which may be inconsistent with what they needed when they were small, and quite different from what you imagined, assumed, or hoped. Insisting upon imaginary consistency at the expense of what the actual person in front of you is telling you that they need is both extremely stressful and extremely doomed.
Respect boundaries. If your child asks you not to do something (call them when they’re at work, touch them a certain way, comment on their body or appearance, serve food that they hate or are allergic to, drop by unannounced, call them the wrong name), they are giving you information about how to treat them well. “But I’m your parent, so I should get to [do the thing you just said you hate!]” isn’t a good argument, and your relationship with them will deteriorate if you continue.
Your children have their own memories of growing up, and it’s normal if they remember events that you both experienced differently than you do. That’s not an attack or a lie, and they aren’t automatically unreliable narrators just because they were little.
You do not have to like or agree with all of your child’s choices, but if you respond to everything they reveal about themselves with judgment and criticism, do not be surprised if they stop telling you stuff.
“Are you asking for advice or just telling me what’s going on?” is a useful question in any relationship. Not everything needs to be a teachable moment.
Your adult children are not responsible for your emotional well-being, nor is it on them to fill the gaps in your social calendar or make up for disappointments in your other relationships. Make some friends. Join something. Find a therapist. Everyone will be happier for it.
That’s not the whole list, but you get the idea.
