(via #1453: "Is my ADHD ruining my relationship or am I just with the wrong person for me?")
The part of this letter that got my blood boiling was LW’s partner getting upset at not being woken up with coffee on her birthday, when this is something LW had no idea she wanted.
Now, I do understand that there are certain gestures that someone might want where part of what makes it special is the spontaneity, so straight-up asking someone to do it for you kind of defeats the purpose. But this is what dropping hints is for! So, your friendly Neurotypical Whisperer is here with some thoughts on how hints are dropped, so you can drop them for others or recognize when they are dropped upon you. (US-ian frame of reference, your culture may vary)
In the example here, if Partner wanted to give LW a chance to actually do the nice thing she imagined (to be clear, Partner here did not actually want that, it was clearly 100% a trap, but we’re supposing that a reasonable person could also want this) she first needed to introduce the idea. Ways to do that would include:
doing it for LW’s birthday!
sharing a post or video of someone doing it for their partner
mentioning that you heard of someone else doing it for their partner
This way it has at least been established that in Partner’s world, birthday coffee is a thing that exists. Without having done anything like that, they are 100% picking a fight and there’s no way to win.
So, for those of us who want people to just say what they mean, how do you know the difference between “hey this thing is neat” and “please do this thing for me”?
Generally, a true Dropped Hint is accompanied by some kind of generalized wistful statement. (Wistful tones often sound like enthusing over a cute baby animal, including increased pitch and drawing out vowels.) Phrases to watch out for:
“I bet that would be so nice.”
“Oh, wouldn’t that make such a great tradition!”
“I’ve always liked the idea of that.”
“They’re so lucky to have such a thoughtful partner.”
(Be sure to cross-check against what else you know about your partner, to make sure that part of that wistfulness isn’t “too bad I’m deathly allergic to that” or something.)
This combination of introducing an idea plus a hypothetical desire for it does not automatically rise to the level of “this is a thing I actively want you to do,” but it does mean it’s likely to be well-received even if they genuinely weren’t expecting you to do it. Note that every additional time they bring up the same thing, the chance increases exponentially that they are outright asking for it while trying to maintain the illusion that it’s really your idea.
Finally, if you are the partner wanting to be surprised by something specific, might I suggest enlisting the help of a mutual friend? That way someone else can directly say “You should wake Partner up with coffee on her birthday. It’s something she really wants but she’d feel weird just asking for it.” They have the information they need and you get that little thrill of an unexpected gesture. Everyone wins!
I want to be clear that this advice is specific to gifts and similar gestures. If you find yourself constantly doing this calculus for things like weeknight dinner or dealing with your families, you’re looking at a communication mismatch that needs to be called out and worked on (and might end up being a deal-breaker). But the element of surprise is an inherent component of gift culture (in the US at least) and that’s often at odds with direct communication. Plus, once you know what sort of indicators accompany a dropped hint, you’ll find that most people aren’t particularly subtle about it.
Thank you for joining me on this most recent installment of How to Neurotypical
