Aegosexuality and Aegoromaticism
I've been trying to get the words right for how to describe this discovery in myself that I made about a year or so ago. So, here's my foray into the prefix Aego for sexuality and romance.
To start, Aegosexuality is under the Asexual umbrella, and more technically, under the Grayasexual umbrella.
Asexuality: "Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered a sexual orientation or the lack thereof. It may also be categorized more widely, to include a broad spectrum of asexual sub-identities." (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality)
Grayasexuality: "-is considered the gray area between asexuality and sexuality, in which a person may only experience sexual attraction on occasion." (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gray_asexuality)
Aegosexuality: "A disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies, or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein." (https://mogai-library.tumblr.com/post/126612646058/aegosexuality-formerly-autochorissexuality)
Of course, it being a definition it has a rigid feeling to it. But when it comes to the Human Experience™, of course there is wiggle room. Personally, it leans more into the fantasies than not being a part of it. Moreover, it means that I have little to no drive unless it involves one of those fantasies and, even then, it can ebb and flow.
Learning about this, and recognizing it within myself, helped me gain new perspectives on how my sexuality interacts with others and why I often just lose physical capability to participate, even during any sexual activity. It also explains why, as a teen and 20-something, I was often ready to go in most sexual scenarios because they were all still new for me, still new territory, still had a low self-esteem and was excited at the chance to have these activities at all.
But this also created problems that, in multiple relationships, hurt those I was with. In our patriarchy, where 'male' sex craze is seen as normal and/or at least not actively talked down, I grew up with many people around me who would brag about their sexual endeavors. Being a young and impressionable neurodivergent person, I did not realize how much this seeded itself in my thoughts and how it influenced my decision making. I still made these decisions and will not shirk my responsibility, but when you grow up surrounded by people that promote and even encourage these things, it is hard to not end up that way without even realizing it had any influence.
So when I found people that were interested in me sexually, it was hard to refuse. It was my fantasies come true, even if they weren't specific it was still a fantasy that I even got to at all. This was within my actions that caused many people, including myself, pain and suffering at my own hands. And I distinctly remember not understanding why I even acted the way I did under these circumstances. I figured I was 'like anyone else and just enjoyed sexual activities.'
It wasn't till I was significantly older that the novelty of sex and the like had began to wear off. At this point, I was accepted within the kink scene in Austin, TX. in my mid 30s. (For perspective, I'm currently 38 at the time of this writing.) I have many friends from those times and I learned so much about myself. And, when you're surrounded by ALL kinds of sexual activities and different kind of sexual people, it REALLY shows you where you stand with your own. Or, at least, makes it easier to see your own personal boundaries.
And it was then that I realized that, even in the midst of this wonderful hedonism, there was so much I just had no attachment to. That so many of those I found to be sexually attractive truly did not spark any form of lust within. There was longing to be able to do things I wished for, but that is where the difference came into play: The fantasies I longed for versus the actuality of people.
The #1 thing that affected me the most that caused me, and others, so much pain was that I longed for fantasies that lay within what I grew up with: The novelty of sex that I no longer had.
Sex would always be amazing at the beginning of relationships because it was still new because the person was new. But that is destined to not last. Sure, that seems shallow and I beat myself up often because of it. But that was because I did not understand my sexuality. I knew I was sexually attracted to others but why did the novelty leave? I'm still sexually attracted but can't bring myself to do these things anymore?
And this is not even bringing mental illness, gender identity, and more into play.
Now the other half of this coin. This is my personal definition of Aegoromaticism (borrowing language from the Aegosexual definition):
"A disconnection between oneself and a romantic target/object of longing for; may involve romantic fantasies, or longing for in response to literature or media, but lacking any desire or capability to be a participant in the romantic activities therein."
A part I would like to highlight that I feel is important for both the sexual and romantic aspect of this: lacking any desire or capability. That is an addition I place here (for both) because of my own perspective.
The easiest way to describe this, for me at least, in more layman's terms: A Hopeless Romantic who cannot find the romance they long for.
This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had the misery of learning about myself. Especially when I talk to others in love and I help them with their relationship.
So many of my relationships started with an enormous eruption of fire and energy only to trickle away, drained from the unconscious realization that I fell in love with a concept of a person or my desire to love and not the actual person. I did love them and did not stop loving them, but the energy behind everything was no longer there. The active ability to have a relationship was fading, and continued to fade every time something pushed against my internalized idea of what, and where, the relationship was.
And this happened in every single relationship I was in, whether they ended in pain and misery or in an acceptance of separation. And this would rack me with guilt, pain, and fear over every relationship I would go into, still trying because "I've grown, I know better now."
But I didn't know better. At least not where I needed to.
I get so caught up in my love for the person, and for their love of me, that I lose sight of the reality. Even when I'm aware that I do this, it happens beyond my scope until reality pushes back. And I swear I'm gonna do better, and it continues to happen. Over and over. Self-sabotage was a thing I stressed over so much, not understanding why this seemed to continue to happen to me and those I fell in love with.
It wasn't until I started to understand my Aegosexuality that I looked to see if Aegoromaticism was a thing. Because, as I always have, I look things up to get a sense of something not only to be more knowledgeable on the topic, but to see if it resonates with me. And that's the sad part here - There is not much at all on this particular word. Which was when I decided that I would begin to utilize the word for myself. Because it made the most sense. And often sexuality has a romance counterpart of similarly defined natures since the prefix "A" is utilized in the same manner - 'the lack of' or 'absence of' - in a grammatical sense.
Which is funny regarding me, because I'm Agender as well. All my aspec boxes checked now, huh. ☑️
The aspect of Aegoromaticism was, and still is, a major factor in my depression. Because when I love I love so much. When I love I truly feel like I'm alive. But, learning of this aspect of asexuality and aromaticism, helps me put this in a perspective that makes my brain say "Huh…okay, this makes more sense." It helps me quantify my issues and learn from my past transgressions and to try and avoid future pitfalls that I would always fall into.
I still struggle with it, a lot to unlearn from my past that continues to haunt me to this day in various ways. But with a profoundly new perspective than I've ever had, I focus on the relationships I create with others and allow them to be what they are without restrictions. No boundaries based on predetermined notions of romance. An openness of my approach to those I am close with and allow myself the freedom to be close to others in ways that match my experiences with them. Sex? Cool. No sex? Sure. Love? Great. Romantic love? Okay. But with an understanding that it isn't the societal norms that are often pushed upon us, but an acceptance that life moves forward whether we love each other or not. And to let things flourish as they will instead of trying to fit those preconceived notions.
It's not easy, but knowing I can still be close to people in ways that allow me to be happy is a major thing for me.
I hope this can help those of you who may have had similar upbringings as I. Or just in general don't understand where you are with yourself and this helps you even conceptualize it a little bit. And if you'd like to ask me questions, I'm happy to answer based on my personal experience(s).
