#af girlfriend

[black-shroom]

Got a letter from my man!!!!! I got my guest pass for his graduation.. I'm excited but at the same time im not xc... idk if i'll be able to make it since im still missing money for hotel stay XC.. im crossing my fingers! i want to see him so badly!

[marriedtotheairforce]

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[marriedtotheairforce]

On the bright side of everything bad that's been happening...basic training is officially half way through. Right now though, I feel like it will be more of a downhill tumble than downhill slide.

[theoneandonlykyna]

Deployment has arrived..

Tomorrow night my boyfriend heads to the airport for his Afghanistan deployment.  Sadly it is 4 days sooner than we thought which is a bummer but what can you do.  The first day I'm always sad.  I usually cry and feel all empty inside.  Then I pick myself up and stay busy.  I love to make care packages and send letters.  I want him to get these things and be a little less homesick or bored on the down times.  I know i'll be alright but I always dread that first day.  Especially since we live together that first night alone in bed is the worst.  This is our longest deployment since we've been together.  Poor guy has been dumped every deployment.  So i'm actually excited to show him that all girls are not alike.  Yea some can't handle it.  It is hard.  But some of us don't see it as a horrible time apart and stray to find comfort elsewhere.  We see it as one less day until they are in our arms again.  Love is forever... distance is not.  So when he comes home and i'm waiting I can't wait to tell him i'm here like I promised.  Now to focus on care packages so I don't get sad...

So anyone have any good ideas for Valentine's yet?  I was hoping for a boudoir shoot but it won't make it in time so I think it'll be food and a note ensuring belated pics.

[everybodys-lookin-for-something]

Just heard through the grapevine...

That when Dan FINALLY comes home he's now only gonna be back for 4 days (instead of a full month) before he has to go away again for a year. I'm praying it isn't true :(

[captainkaknuckles]

:( Post gone wrong

I don't even know what to type. I'm just sad and kinda disgusted with myself at this moment.

I have let my physical self get way too out of shape, and even though I know I'm grossly fat, I can't get myself to workout. Like, no matter what. Which just turns into me being even more sad and eating shit. And the worst part is is that I KNOW that's what I am doing, and yet I still do it.

I have let my psychological self get way out of shape as well.. I keep finding myself saying what if.. Which is never lovely. I truely do love this kid. A whole bunch. And any time I think of my life without him in it, it's just a ridiculous amount of sadness that hits me. But the truth is is that he isn't really in my life.. Yes, I talk to him every evening.. But I always feel as though I am the only one who is actually trying.. I work my ass off and try my very best to make him happy. I do whatever I can to see him. I drove 10+ hours straight, just to see him in Mississippi.. And I still had to stay nights all by myself. But it feels like everytime it's his turn to see me, something happens.. He can't do this, can't do that. yeadayadayada. And yea, he's in the military, so a lot of it isn't him.. But at the same time, it feels as though he isn't trying. And I miss him a whole bunches. And when I see cute guys ((like the super hot guy at work who I always catch checking me out, when I go to super quick sneaky check him out)) I want to act upon those. But then there's the whole "I love this kid" in my head, and it's just a huge AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I want to cry. 

JK 

I am crying.

Beside that though. Cognitive dissonance. That's what is happening. I have two very conflicting cognitions simultaneously. 

See. I learned about that in my classes.

But they haven't told me how to fix it. Just how to define it, and apply it to others. But then you go and realize that this crap you learned is internally happening and you can't fix it.

And you also can't talk about it with the person you usually talk about stuff with because it's about them, and it may make them feel very uncomfrtabel about where you stand, and you don't want them to make inferences about where you stand when you yourself have no idea where you stand about anything. You know what is right and what is wrong. You know what is a good choice and what is a bad choice. You know how you feel about one person. And you grown up making smart choices because you have never had your heart trying to make an opinion. And so now, when you have to factor all your beliefs, feelings, opinions, and actions into one sentence in trying to make another human being feel well about said relationship, it gets quite confusing (as is this post) because you cant even make yourself feel better.

Cognitive dissonance folks. 

[airmenlove]

Brandan calls me from his duty station:

Me: hey babe what are you up too?

Him: I'm walking around my dorm room butt ass naked with my combat helmet on.

Me: why?

Him: because I feel like it!

God I love this boy

[captainkaknuckles]

Here's a rant..

My boyfriend can't even keep plans with me.. and he states away.

Isn't he the ONE I am supposed to be able to count on, when everyone else decides to be asses?

Especially after all the bullshit I've gone through for this nigga! Like, just this past week has been horrible and I have gone to talk to him like none! 

That's cool though.. "we have ALL day to talk tomorrow" he says..

But what he doesn't know, SINCE HE DECIDED HE'S TOO BUSY FOR ME, is that I will be busy all muthafuckin day tomorrow. 

YAY!!! I love him!

Kk.. Rant over.

[captainkaknuckles]

Many guys have taken over space in my head. So my head knows how and when to prepare; it knows what to do. It knows when the guy is beginning to leave, so it prepares itself, and begins to erase memories and forget about him itself. So then when the guy does decide he's done with me, it's not too hard for my head.. not such a surprise.

But my heart.. It has never been occupied like that. Not till now anyways. A little space was taken by my other family at one point, but my heart new not to let them fulfill their occupancy the whole way, so it wasn't too bad when they evacuated my life. But he has filled his occupancy in my heart, plus some. And since only my head has been trained to let go, my heart will hang on untill HE decides to leave. It will probably hang on past that honestly.. But hopefully it won't have to go through what my head has been through.. Hopefully..