#agab cw

[nonbinaryresource]

So, I met this girl online a couple weeks ago who I ended up becoming pretty good friends with. I’m non-binary and while I’m very sure she isn’t homophobic, I’m not sure how she’d take to me being nb and trans. She knows me as my actual name and with he/him pronouns (i’m afab) but how do I tell her i’m non-binary? I don’t want to ruin anything either :(

Hi there!

We have a lot of coming out advice around on our blog. =)

From our FAQ: https://nonbinaryresource.tumblr.com/faq

Q: How should I come out to my parents/boyfriend/friend/teacher/coworker?

A: Read our coming out masterpost. For further tips on educating people in your life (i.e. “my parents just don’t get it), read this post. Our coming out tag may also be helpful to you.

You never ruin anything by coming out. If coming out ruins a relationship, that’s firmly on the other person and their own limitations and hang ups. It’s not anything you’ve done wrong.

It’s been a while so you may have already even come out. I really hope it went well / best of luck if you haven’t done it already!

~Pluto

[nonbinaryresource]

Hello! I've been questioning for a while, and I just wanted to know if I can still be nonbinary if I'm not dysphoric all the time? Sometimes I'll really hate my afab anatomy and sometimes I don't mind at all. Is this dysphoria or just regular dysmorphia?

From our FAQ:

Q: Do I have to do/want/experience/be ___ to be valid as nonbinary?

A: No. All you have to do to be valid as nonbinary is identify as nonbinary. You do not have to be a certain way, want any certain thing, or pass some test to be nonbinary. All you have to do is identify as nonbinary. Even if you are still unsure that you’re nonbinary, you’re still valid. *___ could be, but is not limited to, androgynous/bind/tuck/pack/stuff/hrt/surgery/dysphoria/self-hatred/euphoria, etc.

Here is a dysphoria vs. dysmorphia infopost.

~Pluto

[nonbinaryresource]

Hi! I am nonbinary (AFAB) and I want to change my name and pronouns, but I'm not sure if the people around me would respect that or be willing to call me something different. My name is very feminine, and my partner is trying to come to terms with me being nonbinary but is having a difficult time, but I feel less and less like myself without the correct pronouns and name. Any advice for going about these discussions? Anything at all would be appreciated.

It’s okay to prioritize yourself! You are not obligated to walk people through accepting or respecting your identity, name and pronouns included. It’s okay to take space to protect yourself and to give them time to process and come to terms with their own reaction. You are allowed to ask for what you need and what would make you more comfortable. You are allowed to take space from people who aren’t respectful enough to accept that.

Good luck!

~Pluto

[nonbinaryresource]

any advice for disconnecting with the gender you were assigned? like, i’m agab and anytime i see someone say smth about girls or women (not always negative things!) in my head i go “oh yeah, me!” but then i stop and go “i’m an nb guy :(“ so do you have any advice as to how to disconnect?

(Okay, I know this was just a typo, but I think “I’m agab” is my new fave clever response whenever someone tries to inappropriately push for my agab. Like yeah, I was assigned a gender at birth. What of it!?)

Time and practice! It may feel silly, but practice! Take like 5 - 10 minutes every day to journal, think to yourself, or speak out loud to/about yourself where you specifically affirm your gender, remind yourself you’re not [incorrect gender], and to go over some of your preferred titles and terms. Come up with a mantra you can repeat to yourself, like “My name is [name], I’m a nonbinary guy who uses [pronouns]. I’m not [gender] even though sometimes I respond to that gender through instinct and habit. [...]”. Repeat it once or a couple times. The more you self-affirm, the more natural this will become to you.

You can also keep practicing (because it sounds like you are already!) some mindfulness around this accidental self-misgendering. Keep catching when you lump yourself in with the wrong gender, correct it, then take a deep breath, let it go, and move forward. Just like when other people misgender us, the best way to handle it is to not dwell on it, simply correct it, and push forward. It’s cruel and unnecessary to harp on it and beat yourself up for a very understandable, human mistake!

The more practice and awareness you get surrounding this, and the less you will do this. I was in your place a couple years ago, but I’ve largely stopped habitually/institutionally lumping myself in with my incorrect gender, and I’ve no doubt it’ll happen only extremely rarely once I finally come out and don’t have to lump myself in sometimes to pretend. By now, I also have a good attitude about it when it happens and am able to laugh it off, like “oh silly me, back to doing this old thing!”

~Pluto

[nonbinaryresource]

i’m enby, thinking of using he/him pronouns as well! all good for me, problem is, i still do/like rlly fem things. i know when i get older i’ll stop looking fem, but i love wearing dresses and doing my nails! i know guys can do that, that’s not my problem! my problem is the conflict of still seeming like a girl (i’m afab) and being misgendered all the time. i have no problem doing what i like, just wanted some words of advice to cope or see if anyone else experiences this?

From our FAQ:

Q: How can I cope with dysphoria?

A: Please take a look at our coping tag and look into “adaptive” vs “maladaptive” coping. There are short-term methods of coping (distraction, self-soothing, reassuring yourself, having a friend reassure you, etc.) and long-term methods of coping (utilizing therapy, CBT or ACT techniques, meditation, mindfulness, etc.). While we fully support using short-term methods as needed, we will always suggest you begin practicing and utilizing long-term, adaptive methods of coping because that will be more helpful to you in the long-term, and you deserve to live a happier, more comfortable life.

Misgendering is gonna happen. It is. That sucks. But if you’re living your life as you want to live it, doing the things that make you happy, with the people who are really a part of your life accepting and respecting your identity - these instances of people misgendering you will be easier to cope with and deal with.

You’re also allowed to correct whoever it is you want to correct! Or wear pronoun pins out to places. It might help stem some misgendering and/or helping you figure out the safer places to go.

Followers, anything you want to add?

~Pluto

[nonbinaryresource]

hello! when i was in sixth grade, i came out and identified as genderfluid. however, when i started to be outed to teachers, i went back to identifying as my assigned gender. however, every few months i question my gender again - i've identified as male (i'm afab), non-binary, and demifemale. i don't know what i am, my mom disregards anything i say about gender because she thinks i'm just "not girly", and i feel like my perception of myself changes so much. how would i handle this?

Well, I personally would accept that your mom is not a safe person to tell these very valid thoughts and feelings to, unfortunately. She is telling you over and over again that she doesn’t value your experiences and that she knows how you feel better than you do. I would invest energy in finding safe ways to talk about and explore your feelings.

Do you have supportive friends you can talk about this with - online or offline? Does your school have some sort of queer alliance/club you can join or just go to some meetings? Is there a PFLAG in your area holding (remote) meetings that you’re able to attend? Is there some other trans/queer club/organization in your area holding (remote) meetings that you’re able to attend? Can you privately journal about your feelings? Do you draw - can you draw the different ways you imagine yourself as? Is there a family member besides your mom that might be more receptive to listening to what you have to say? Can you try on different clothes with your friends at their house (or in shops when that’s safe)? Can you get a haircut (or not get a haircut!) or style your hair in a way that you’re interested in?

What are ways that you can allow yourself to explore more what it is you want that don’t involve asking your mom about it? Do those things! If your mom isn’t safe, stick with people who are! You got this. =)

~Pluto

[nonbinaryresource]

hey there! i'm afab and a couple of weeks ago i started questioning my gender. i've been searching for more information, and the terms demigirl, girlflux and genderfae sound very interesting... (even if sometimes i don't really care about labels, i mostly feel like i need them) the problem is, i don't know if this is something important/valid or if i'm just trying to feel 'special' somehow, bc my best friend came out as nb a month ago :/ (i'm sorry for any mistakes, my english kinda sucks)

Questioning is never invalid.

Questioning is never trying to “feel special” (what does that even mean!?).

Questioning is never unimportant if it’s important to you.

Ofc you started looking more into your gender when your friend came out as nb because that’s when you became more exposed to and more knowledgeable about the existence of nonbinary people and the fact that it is, indeed, an option for you. That’s what happens when things gain visibility! People know more about them! And more people can relate to them!

You’re not doing anything wrong except being too hard on yourself. Check out our self-acceptance tag for how to overcome these thoughts.

~Pluto

[nonbinaryresource]

i’m afab nb. but i want to be a boy. but i know i wouldn’t be happy transitioning, so i settled with nb. and i’m sad and mad at myself for doing that because i wish i was a boy but i’m not. and i’m stuck in a limbo of “transition but risk not being happy” or “settle for nb”? and i feel bad because i didn’t ‘discover’ myself like everyone else. i settled. it’s not that i wouldn’t be happy as a boy, i just wouldn’t be happy transitioning. has anyone else felt with this? am i doing something wrong?

I wonder if you know that you’re allowed to be a boy without transitioning? Transitioning is not a requirement to being a boy.

~Pluto