SOM vs. Toy Story
A/N: Takes place during Chapter 4 of Chuck vs the Sound of Music and after the 2012 Doctor Who Christmas special The Snowmen (just go with it)
A/N 2: Characters not mine.
A/N 3: Oh yeah, Happy Birthday quistie!!
As the stealth Black Hawk helicopter flew away, the people on the ground stood up and dusted themselves off. A young man turned to his friends and said, “Good to see you’re all right, Joe. The Snakes kidnap you again?”
The other man shrugged, “You know how it is, Luke. Have a computer in your head and all of a sudden every Jonas, Ted, and Nicholas is after you.”
“Which is what I said this morning,” the woman accompanying Joe pointed out. The sleek blue-eyed blonde was obviously exasperated. “I only left in my Barbie Porsche and picked up Midge to go to the Barbie Café and then to the Barbie Salon before a visit to the Barbie Spa because you promised you’d stay home and stay safe!”
Luke raised a hand before Joe could respond. “Uh, Barbie? What’s with the labelling? You don’t actually own–“
Luke snickering was interrupted by a tart observation from Barbie, “Laugh it up, Disney-Boy. Your 1978 Holiday TV special is going to look like Hamlet by the time The Mouse is done with you.”
He winced. “You really think–“
“Luke! Hey Luke!” Across the room, a beefy man encased in a space suit started to stiffly jump up and down.
Luke tried to continue, “–that Mickey would–“
“Luke! Luuuuuke! Luke!”
Luke sighed and turned around, “What is it, Buzz?”
Seeing that he had his target’s attention, Buzz stopped jumping and stood absolutely still. Slowly, he raised an arm, ramrod straight, and pointed towards the younger man. In a deep, bass voice he solemnly intoned, “Luke, I am your father!” He held the pose for a few seconds and then began to laugh wildly, bending his back and putting his hands on his knees.
Luke sighed again. “Every single time.”
Someone else had taken notice of Buzz’s amusement. As the space ranger finally stopped laughing and looked up, he saw a dark figure staring at him.
“Darthy! How’s it going, Vader? Build any more space stations that can be taken out by a single shot from a single ship, lately?” Vader remained silent, only lifting an arm, the hand remaining open. “Whatcha doing, Darthy? You know I was only playing with your kid.” The hand suddenly turned into a clenched fist. “Aw, don’t do that.” Cough. “It was all in—” Sputter.
Luke watched as Buzz collapsed to his knees and started gasping for air. He was about to draw his lightsaber when the ranger stopped wheezing.
“Hey, wait a minute…” Buzz placed a hand on his chest. “I just realized something…” He popped up and whirled to face Vader. “I have no lungs! Ha!”
The black-suited figure stood stock-still for a moment, then, with head bowed and shoulders slumped, turned and walked away.
“Now that that bit of unpleasantness is over, could I interest anyone in taking a little trip with me? We could go anywhere, really. Or anytime,” a tall man asked as he stepped out of a blue police box, adjusting his brown bowtie.
Buzz loudly snorted. “Not going to happen, Doctor. We all know what happens to your companions.”
“I don’t know what you mean.” The Doctor stopped fiddling with his bowtie and drew himself up. “They get to explore all of time and space. There’s a little bit of running of course but, well, that does the heart, or hearts as the case may be, good, am I right?”
Buzz snorted again. “What happened to the last girl? Her heart still working?”
“Yes. Well, no. Perhaps. It’s all very unclear you see, with timey-wimey thingamajigs bolloxing things up.”
“Uh-huh. What about Amy and Rory?”
“They had a great time going about the universe and are now safely together,” the Doctor answered. “Well, then! See?”
“They’re back in the 1930’s?” The Doctor nodded and Buzz continued, “Right in the middle of the Great Depression and where they can look forward to World War II and the 1950’s.”
“Hold on, what’s wrong with the 1950’s?” the Doctor protested. “Nice quiet time. Peaceful, really. Aside from the Korea thing.”
“Amy Pond playing at being June Cleaver. You’ll be lucky if she doesn’t rig up some timey-wimey blow-things-uppy… thing… just so she can get you back there to strangle you. Moving on, redhead number two. Or number one if you’re counting forwards.”
“Who, Donna?” The Doctor brightened. “Donna was brilliant, she was. Saved all of reality, she did.”
“And does she know that?”
“Well, I was forced to wipe her memories to save her. All for the best, actually. She doesn’t really need to know what she did. She can make new memories and better ones. Maybe not better. And it won’t be the same, will it? You know when I say that out loud I realize I sound like a blithering idiot.”
Buzz just raised an eyebrow and muttered, “You’re not the only one.”
“But hey, all of time and space!” It seemed like the Doctor had recovered from his brief bout of self-introspection. “Who can resist?” A Dalek wheeled forward. “Not you! I don’t need a companion whose entire vocabulary is, ‘Exterminate!’ thank you very much. Frighten the natives off.” A Cylon raised its hand. “Or you! Nothing with clanky bits. Things with clanky bits are bent on world domination, in my experience. Hoi! Spider-Man! Fancy a jaunt in the old blue box here?”
Peter shook his head, “Sorry Doc, that thing does a number on my Spider-Sense. What do you have in there?”
“Oh, right. That might be the Weevil I lost last week. Harmless creature, really. Well, not harmless. Quite deadly, in fact. I should probably find the thing before it breeds.”
“What about me?” a woman called out.
The Doctor turned towards the direction the low, sexy voice had come from. “What? Who said that?”
Two Cylons stepped aside to reveal a statuesque blonde in a tight red dress. “Me.”
One of the Doctor’s hands brushed furiously through his mop of hair. “Well there are certainly no clanky bits on you, are there? What’s your name?”
The blonde walked slowly forward, swinging her hips, “You can call me Number Six.”
“Number Six, eh? Well I’m number eleven and that adds up to seventeen so… I really don’t know where I was going with that. Shall we?” He opened the door the police box and gave a slight bow. Six smiled at him and chucked a finger under his chin as she stepped into the TARDIS.
“Should we say anything?” asked Joe.
Barbie sniffed, “Based on the way Mr. ‘I can control the energy field that binds the galaxy together with my mind’ is mindlessly looking at her, I don’t think it would make any difference to Mr. ‘I can sweep you off your feet and take you anywhere in time and space’. Men!” Luke, blushing, spun back to face Barbie. “Besides, we have more important things to talk about. Like how you got yourself kidnapped.”
Joe objected, “Hey, don’t I get points for not noticing how hot she was?”
Barbie glanced sharply at him while Luke murmured, “Think you lost those points right there, buddy.”
Waving a hand impatiently, Barbie said, “You were supposed to stay safe at home, Joe. What happened?”
“I got a message you were in danger and went out to look for you. They snatched me at the Barbie Café. Wait, are you winking at me?”
Barbie let out a huff. “I’m trying to roll my eyes. More than fifty years and I still can’t do that. And really? Some message?”
A stubborn look came over Joe’s face. “If I think you’re in danger, I’m coming after you. You know that. Besides, the message used one of your secret pass phrases.”
Barbie’s expression changed from exasperation to alarm. “Those phrases are top secret. Only you, I, and the CIA are supposed to know them. Which one was it?”
“Errr… I don’t think that’s important any more. It was one of the discontinued ones, anyways. What’s important is that we’re both safe and that I love you.”
Barbie looked at him suspiciously. “It’s still a security risk. Which one was it, Joe?”
“Math is hard.”
“I’m outta here,” Luke stated and he quickly walked past Barbie. Buzz’s, “Luke… Luuuuke…” followed him as he got in his land speeder and zoomed away.
“Hey did you get your hair done?” Joe hastily broke into the resulting silence. “Because it looks beautiful. Well, more beautiful than usual. It always looks beautiful.”
“No, there was no time because my boyfriend got himself kidnapped. And Joe, you know what happened to the analyst who came up with that phrase.”
“He-Man? Yeah, he got ‘accidentally’ shut into the downstairs freezer.” He paused and savoured the memory. “I never liked that guy. Thick as a brick and always hanging around you.”
“So you should have known I would have never used it.”
Joe took one of her hands in his. “I meant what I said before. I’m always coming after you if I think you’re in trouble.”
Sighing, she used her free hand to cup his cheek. “I’m supposed to be the one protecting you. But that doesn’t really matter to you, does it?” Joe shook his head. “How about the next time this happens, you call Luke and Spiderman for backup, okay?”
“Okay. Speaking of protection, do you think Megan is right? The new blonde is a human version of you?”
Barbie nodded and said, “I was on the living room table when she debriefed Uncle Chuck yesterday. Her name is Sarah Walker.” She waited to let Joe process his flash before asking, “What do you have?”
“Whoa, yeah. Human version of you is right. If half the information in her files is correct, he’s going to be protected as well as I am.”
“If he actually listens to her,” Barbie grumbled.
“Oh, he’s already fallen for her,” Joe stated confidently. “Megan was playing with me at breakfast. You should have seen the look on his face when he walked into the kitchen and saw Agent Walker there.”
“Really?” Barbie reached up and looped both arms around the back of his neck. “And Uncle Chuck is pretty handsome and charming. Maybe she’ll fall for him as quickly as I did for you.”
Joe grinned, “Ever the romantic. Next thing you know, you’ll be breaking out the Sinatra or Nina on the Barbie record player.”
She touched her forehead to his. “He deserves it. He needs a little sound of music in his life.”
