and eggsy’s blushing his entire blood supply cos it’s not everyday the likes of him get to talk to, much less be tenderly petted by, the likes of merlin, who is a fucking unicorn (and real dainty to boot) *FLAILS AT YOU* YES. Satyr/Unicorn is love. :O
*FLAILS BACK AT YOU* OF COURSE YOU ZONED RIGHT INTO THE PART I TENDERLY BUILT MY WHOLE POST AROUND, YOU BRILLIANT PERSON
let me tell you about satyrs and why i love them
in greek mythology, satyrs are basically on the bottom of the food chain, cos they’re half goat drunken nymph-chasers with massive penises, which for the greek automatically translates to “low impulse control, horny bastards who can’t stop drinking”
and that to me just reeks of prejudice, because the ancient greek’s entire attitude to morals and propriety was prejudice based on their own values on physical appearances, and they always associated massive cock with too much drink, too much food, too much sex, too corrupt to be “superior”, aka to belong to the likes of apollo (who’s a major bag of dicks, like, srsly, superiority complex out the wazoo)
so satyrs, my headcanon: as close cousins to nature spirits as you can be, what with the fertility symbolism and close attachment to “base, most natural, least ‘civilised’ (i hate that word)” activities (partying, drinking, fornicating), but mostly by an old prejudice. by appearance: horns of varying shapes and sizes, with a flattened wide-nostriled nose, both permanently visible, with optional (controlable) goat-nethers, and the fact that satyrs have no problem with their less-than-human features makes them even lesser in the elitist eyes of arthur and his posh ilk
and like, unicorns man, they’re right up there with pheonixes, legendary and honourable and so far beyond unreachable for the common folk, like, according to lore they fart rainbows and impale their enemies with their horn, that has healing powers too, and then eat their flesh
and merlin, friend, MERLIN IS A UNICORN OKAY?? UNICORNS ARE SCOTLAND’S NATIONAL ANIMAL THAT’S WHY and you’re not taking a merlin who can fart rainbows away from me, mkay? and like all proper folk merlin doesn’t go around parading his supernatural features, rainbow farts aside, like his horn (not that one) and his magical healing powers, nah, in posh respectable circles showing your features is considered rude and common, lowly and lack of self control
but that’s the toffs who think like that, and it’s fast becoming outdated (but not fast enough cough) and the more modern approach is more of the intimate betwixt two beloveds, which merlin incorporates because unicorns are uber powerful and sirens aren’t the only ones who compell, and it’s just basic manners not to glow your object of affection to death before they consent
and here you have eggsy, working class low-level satyr with the pointy long ears and shapely flat nose, parading around his gorgeous horns and casually fucks up all the pointless extravagant acceptability politics of kingsman, making eyes at a fucking unicorn and trying (and failing) to keep his horns to himself
but that doesn’t work at all cos merlin, merlin man, merlin responds right back: he loses all his self control and starts fricking glowing when eggsy goes near him, like the fricking moon, and it’s hilarious cos his face doesn’t move an inch, and he doesn’t blush or stutter or nothing, just glows bright enough to blind bats and seriously, their mating dance is so embarassing
and did i mention how fucking dainty merlin is? precise long gait, too elegant to be economic, if he had a tail on his ass it would sway.
and honestly, it all started with merlin being completely obsessed with eggsy, cos sadly, eggsy had it firmly implanted in his head that he didn’t have a single chance with merlin for class reasons, so eggsy never did anything. being blushy was a whole nother thing than approaching
sure, merlin found eggsy charming; the same way eggsy has never been near a unicorn, merlin has never been in the same breathing space as a satyr, and who’d a thunk they were so soft and not just in terms of chubby, but really, the fur, cos while in human form the hair stays on the head (cheeks shaven), it’s really thick and soft and would you believe that merlin just marches up to eggsy and shoved his hand into eggsy’s hair? which is so inappropriate and grounds for termination and eggsy’s just standing there, beetroot red and leaning into merlin’s hand who is petting him too!! merlin is a grown horse, he really should have better self control (and eggsy, when back in the land of the aware, gives him an earful about consent and permission and somehow manages to get merlin to promise to pet him twice a week, and only after saying please)
and i don’t know, will this be fluffy or angsty?
will eggsy and merlin dance around each other, like prancing stags? singing i bring you a song with a full moon hanging over them? straightforward lovey dovey snuggles?
or will eggsy consciously keep a distance between himself and merlin? because while merlin is a lot more approachable, the upper class is the upper class and liking commoners is not the same as being with one? purposely keeping a barrier between himself and merlin? will merlin attempt to climb over those walls and try to get eggsy to be open about his feelings? will merlin discover that the walls aren’t only eggsy’s, but his own as well, walls with bricks made of past betrayals and held together with the cement of heartbroken precaution?? will they ever tell each other how they feel??? could eggsy ever get over his self-containment and reach out to hold merlin like a person instead of a prize, could merlin ever reassure eggsy that he’s more than a temporary passing fancy, worth more than a selfish rough tumble???? WHAT WILL THEY DO?!?
happy ending of course, what else. i didn’t spend so much time making fun of harry for this to be a tragedy.
(and the sex, man, the sex: prejudicial speciesist bullshit the satyr rampant incontrolable sex drive is, but all rumours start with truth, and their is nothing but gospel in eggsy’s pants (i don’t know, satyrs have sheaths so their dinge bop doesn’t fly about?), which merlin thoroughly worships and the only thing better, in size difference couples, than the tall one completely engulfing the short one, is the short one fucking the ever loving stuffing out of the tall one, and merlin keeps fucking glowing for days on end)
double standards of course mean that while showing your creature skin is considered vulgar when done by the common folk, it’s considered eccentric and daring among the upper class and harry, the preening dickhead, has no sense of self-preservation, even for a pheonix (who, considering they can’t be killed and keep coming back to life already have a bad track record as a species for survival). this dickhead is also half peacock, and everytime he rises from the ashes, his plumage becomes even more ridiculous. (sometimes merlin thinks harry intentionally offs himself in the field, just so he can come back to HQ and blind everyone with brighter, more audacious feathers. what a bellend.)
and roxy and eggsy are the dumbest, cutest bffs, and they met at bacchus’ birthday bash and got really fucking drunk (cos ambrosia? 100x stronger if you’re not actually pantheon ffs) and roxy kept making goat and mineral and craving puns, while eggsy just kept licking her face cos she’s “a rock - see?”
