Moving Forward and Holding Back
An Agents of Shield fanfiction
Chapter 1
“Where it ends, it begins”
...................
May went with Coulson to Tahiti, to stay with him. It was fair...for both of them. They sacrificed and gave up everything for shield...to protect the world. It was only fair for them to be selfish for once and want to get away from the madness they live through everyday.
It was ironic really, the place that somewhat got Coulson back from the dead was the place he’d die in. It was as he liked to say “magical”
May didn’t want to waste any more time than they already did. So she went with him, to cherish every little moment they have left together.
They weren’t sure if May would be back or not, and they wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t. However, they were sure that Coulson will most definitely NOT come back.
With all the loss, unsaid words, grief, sadness and trauma hanging around their head, a rift opened between the team that was even worse than the fear rift.
It was sucking each remaining member into a deep deep hole.
Before, there was a mission to occupy them. Usually the mission is to save the world and sometimes (most of the times) each other. But back then, things were easier, the rift wasn’t there.
Now, the mission is to bring back one of their own from the dead.
A vital member, friend, and husband (Fitz doesn’t know that though).
Which is why the rift grows more.
Mack sits alone most of the times now in Coulson’s-his office. ‘Coulson is dead’ he keeps reminding himself.
His respect for the man doubled since he last saw him. How did he do it? How did he keep the team together so effortlessly when everything around them is falling apart? When they are falling apart?
He sits alone to think about ways that shield could rise again. It’s just difficult to brainstorm ideas when all of them involve broken team members. So, he resorts to think about ways he can pick up and assemble the broke pieces again, because that’s what he originally signed up for, a mechanic. He fixes broken peaces, not lead them. He doesn’t even want to lead. He wanted out.
He wanted to see his brother he missed so much but how can he do that when he is still a wanted fugitive.
He wanted to marry Elena. The love of his life. Now, he can’t look her in the eye. Not because of what happened to her hand, rather why it did happen. She shouldn’t have gone through this, if he was only faster, or if he thought things through before he agreed to go check the signal with the others. He saw the future. He saw what happened to her. Yet, he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t save her hands, he couldn’t prevent Kasius from killing future her. He couldn’t even save her from herself. He should have seen it coming; the way she talked, and how she always looked at where her arms used to be. The way she sat; hunched over like the weight of the world is on her shoulders, like she knows something she can’t share. He should have seen it coming, that she wanted to kill Ruby. That she wanted to sacrifice everything, even herself just to save him from being lost in the fire that she could never reach.
That she wanted to save Coulson from dying and Daisy from being the destroyer of worlds by killing a potential destroyer.
He hates himself. Hates how he blamed her, and turned on her when all she ever thought about was how to reach for him in the fire he was supposed to have been burned with.
So he just sits alone rethinking and reliving all the choices he made, all the words said in a moment of anger, and hates himself even more. Feels more guilt until he wishes that it was him who had died not Fitz.
Him.
Like it was supposed to be.
Because Simmons and Fitz were supposed to live and have children.
Because he wasn’t supposed to tell Simmons that her husband had died under the rubbles and she wasn’t there.
Because he wasn’t supposed to see her face break down. He could swear he heard her heart break when he told her what happened.
Because it was supposed to be him.
He should be dead. He shouldn’t be director.
He hates himself for still being somewhat angry at Fitz, Simmons and Elena. But he can’t help it. They locked him up and started the whole “invisible three” shit. The way these three believed that stupidity when they were trying to change the outcomes and the future baffled him, they were scientists, and agents for crying out loud.
Maybe things could have gone differently if he saw the way Fitz was suffering before he went all Doctor Hydra on Daisy. Maybe Daisy wouldn’t have to feel so alone right now like no one is there for her and stay in that room of hers all day. She wouldn’t have that nasty scar on her neck.
He keeps holding on though.
For Coulson-the man who trusted him enough to lead and rebuild an entire organization.
For May- the strongest one of them that broke. The one who gets it...what it is like to lose what you never had (a daughter), their last grip to shield. The one who grounds them after Coulson.
For Fitz-his lost broken brother in space waiting for them to find him. The one he felt so compelled to save and protect from day one.
Simmons- the woman who lost her husband because of him...the one who risked her life and went into hydra ranks without a thought about the dangers. The one who healed him and nursed him to health after each injury.
Daisy- the little sister he never had, the one who he wishes to see her smile nowadays, because her smile used to light up his world when he felt down. The one he played video games with and wanted to shield from the world. Even though she was the muscles. His partner... he missed seeing her walk past him in base.
For Elena-his love who he can’t even be in the same the room with because he thinks he doesn’t deserve her. The woman who put herself-literally-in front of him and took all the bullets aimed at him. Thank God Lincoln was there that day.
Lincoln...it’s been soooo long yet it still hurt that he never gave him a chance. Maybe if he was still here, Daisy wouldn’t feel the way she does now.
For Hope- the one he most tightly hold on, the only thing keeping him sane, his life, his motto. His baby.
She begged him not to leave her behind. He did.
What kind of father is he??? Even if she wasn’t real...she was to him. The pain of losing her was... Is.
So he holds on hope that he will make the broken pieces of the team come together again. That he will be able to make them all sit in one room again. Even after everything.
Like what Coulson did.
So he thinks and he thinks about ways he could get together back the missing pieces that would help him build shield.
And calls Bobbie and Hunter.
