Markiplier Egos/Characters Ranked on How Well I Think They'd Provide First Aid:
Why am I making this hyper-specific headcanons list? I was writing some Iron Lung fanfic, then my health/med classes started kicking in and asked me way too much stuff to not spiral into this rabbit hole. I'd say this is a shit post, but I put too much effort into this to justify calling it one.
Characters included: Simon, Wilford Warfstache, Murdock/Murderiplier, Actor Mark, Darkiplier, Yancy, Head Engineer, Date Mark
TW: Vaguely Described Injuries and At Least Two People Will Kill You-
Head Engineer
Why is he up top? Well, we know that he gets things done, and he gets them done good enough. Just in general. He's up here because I think, regardless of the situation, he's going to be able to save your life if you needed first aid on an emergency. Now, will you possibly have some permanent damage or an infection you might not have had if somebody else did it? Maybe. But will you be alive? Yeah!
I also feel like everybody on the crew has had some form of first aid training. They might be a chaotic bunch, and some of them might have different scenarios they'd do better in, but they all know the bare basics of what to do. So, I do think he'll know what to do, even if his area of expertise is engineering. I also just feel like he'd know how to make a good splint out of stray scraps of pipes and wires if you needed, for whatever reason.
You'll be patched up with some bruises and (possible) permanent damage, but it'll be quick.
Yancy
In my opinion he's probably, in some ways, better than Head Engineer. The thing that brings him down to second is that I feel his knowledge is extremely situational. He wouldn't know how to give you first aid if he actually had a first aid kit at his disposal. However, if you needed a wound disinfected and bandaged up, and all he had was an old prison uniform and a cup of water? He'd find a way to patch you up in a jiffy.
He's been in prison for so long that he's adjusted and learned to thrive in that specific environment. So, of course he's learned how to take care of his crew in a pinch with what he has at his disposal... in prison, specifically. Even if/when he's out on parole, I think he'd struggle if given the actual supplies. It's not even that he's "too stupid" to figure out how to follow the directions. He's smart, just street smart. It's that he's having a hard time re-adjusting to the fact that he doesn't need these old tactics, so a first aid kit would overwhelm him.
Basically: You got stabbed in prison? Yancy is your man. You got stabbed outside of prison? Yancy is going out of his way to find things he doesn't really need when there's a first aid kit right over there, so you'll probably bleed out...
Actor Mark
I think he has zero knowledge of what to do in the event of something like an accident on set. However, he is third because I also think he knows he has no idea what to do, so he'll go and find someone who does or make the most noise possible so people will know to get help. Basically, the quality of care you get is entirely dependent on the knowledge of everybody around you, and I'd hope there's a least one person on a film set that knows first aid. In the event of it happening outside of a film set or studio, things might get more murky.
The only other thing I can think of is that he will probably make the situation a lot more stressful than it already is. Which, in the case of an injury that is worsened or caused by stress, will make it worse. He's going to be ranting and screaming at everybody around you to get out of the way or work faster, both because he's panicked and because he is frustrated by the mere fact an accident occurred. Imagine going into shock from blood loss while hearing "Patricia! Move out of the way you're making everything worse holy-!" in the background?
Overall, you are is very, very shaky hands with him. You better hope that somebody around you knows what to do, because he certainly doesn't. You're just also really, really lucky that he knows he doesn't know what to do.
Simon
It's him! It's the man to blame for this post!
So, with him, it is very, very tricky. Because the rabbit hole I went down was basically "How would first aid be handled in the apocalyptic scenario of no planets and limited resources, and how would battlefield first aid be handled when battles are all probably in tiny space stations?" Because, if resources are so low that first aid protocols change as to not waste medicine or risk breaking equipment, we can't say that he's really bad at it if he doesn't use what he's been taught not to use, even if using that splint would help. And if you're fighting a battle in tight corridors and hallways, would you even be told to use first aid to help a fallen comrade, or would you be told to get them to a safe room/shuttle before doing anything?
So, I've come to the conclusion that I genuinely think the first thing he'd probably think to do is as if you can hear him or stand, and if not? Doesn't matter what happened, he's picking you up and sprinting to a medical bay, because that's what he's been trained to do in a battle. He might even just drag you if it's close enough and he thinks it'll be quicker. Doesn't even matter if you're in or out of a battle environment. It's just what he assumes must be done, and even if he knows that he shouldn't, it's like an autopilot. Which means that if you have a spine injury? And he's grabbing you and joustling you around by running? Don't be surprised if he makes things worse by accident.
The poor man means well, is working with what he's got, and you'll most likely live. However, the chances of him making things a lot worse are too high for me to put him higher. He's like a large dog coming in to protect you from an intruder, only to accidentally knock something over that hurts you. You'll live but ouch.
Date
So there's this thing that's recommended: if you're in the medical field, don't operate or treat family members. There's numerous reasons, but one is that it's really nerve-wracking, which can cause accidents. I think this man would be the epiphany of that. He loves you, and for that exact reason, all knowledge on what to do for first aid will leave his mind if you had an accident. He is the first character that I feel like your chances of dying might actually be a bit higher if you had to rely on him to get help.
Unlike Actor, I think he wouldn't know that he might not be the best person for the job, and by the time he figures that out it might be too late. This is because I think he would know what he should do if it's a bleed. It's just that it's you, so he'll panic, and because he's panicking he's going to forget what to do. However, it's then that loop of "I know what to do, but I can't remember, but it would be quicker if I did it because I know what to do-" that makes it so he thinks he can do it.
He'll be standing there like "UMMM UHHH ARE YOU OKAY??? UHHHH I GOT THIS UHHH-" until you bleed out. Either that, or the tourniquet is too loose because he'll go "Is it too tight????" and you'll say that it's tight, and he'll forget that it isn't supposed to be comfortable.
Darkiplier
Now we're getting to the category of people where I think they'd know what to do, or can genuinely save your life, but the question is whether or not they'd actually want or care to help you. Dark is playing the role of the villain, and whilst I can't imagine him going around slashing people down, I also think that he might... walk away? Like, he doesn't really care enough to help, and he didn't cause your injuries, so why should he bother? You'll probably be fine, eventually, considering the strange role you have in every story. You'll be back, even if you do die.
The only way I can really see him trying to intervene is if you were a close person to either Damien or Celine before they became Dark, or if you were in a relationship with Dark. In that case, you'll be getting good first aid. However, I still think there's a chance that he would just leave you be if he thinks you can handle it. That, and getting close to Dark is extremely difficult as is. He may be less dangerous than he lets on, but that only makes him "neutral" instead of evil.
So, I think he'd see you bleeding out and kinda just shrug. Oops. He didn't see you there. He definitely would've helped if he noticed you sooner.
Wilford
He is entirely down here because I think there's only like... a 10% chance he'd help you. This man could, hypothetically, just reverse your injuries. Poof! Gone! They never happened! We saw him down the opposite with Abe, then immediately stop him from dying. So, there is no reason to assume he can't do the opposite and make them disappear! The question is whether or not he'd do it, much less even think to do it, or maybe even if he remembers that he can do that.Or the secret third option of "he shot you and that's why you need medical attention".
I think you'd be at a higher chance of him helping you if he knew you from when he was the Colonel, but then comes the issue of whether or not he even remembers you. I think you're kind of screwed if you need to rely on him. Like... He'd be more likely to go "I got you! Just stay still and I'll fix your problem!" as he slowly pulls out a knife to kill you. That broken leg doesn't matter, now! You're dead! Yippee he's fixed it! 🥳
Wouldn't recommend his services. It's like gambling. Low chances of a life-changing service and high chances of a life-ending one. At least he did it with a smile!
Murdock
Look me in the eyes and tell me that this man didn't cause your problem in the first place.
I love him but sweetie he's just going to watch you slowly die. There is a 99.9% chance he is the cause of everything that is happening to you at the moment. You'll be bleeding out on the floor, meanwhile he's crouched beside you, staring you down like a kid burning ants with a magnifying glass. Even if he didn't cause it, he's just going to watch you suffer because he can. It's a free show he didn't have to get his hands dirty for! Hell, if you're in public, why not drag you into an alleyway so nobody can find and help you, while he's at it?
There's the tiniest chance that he'll help you and that's if you're his partner in crime. Even then, he might purposefully make it hurt more to leave you in some pain while you wait for actual help to show up. Like, I think he does know first aid, but he only learned it because he wants to keep his victims alive longer, or so if he's attacked he can help himself.
0/10 stars. He's either watching you with glee as he does nothing, or he's helping you in a way that's meant to cause you pain. At least Wilford genuinely thinks he's helping when he shoots you. This man is being maliciously compliant.
Among The Blood - Simon could've sworn he was dead. But then, who was this? How does she know so much about Filament Station, about E.D.E.N, or about the C.O.I? And more importantly, can he trust her?
Inside These Iron Walls 1 - 2 - 3
Not A Hallucination 1 - 2 - 3
AUs and Oneshots 1 - 2 - 3 - 4
Beyond The Veil 1
Among The Earth (Concept)
Cluttered Mind
The Butcher
In Your Arms
Darkiplier
Mistreated (1 - 2) - Every year on the same day, Dark receives memories of what happened to Celine and William and everyone else he cared about in the mansion because of Actor. And every year, Y/N tries to help him out by comforting him and doing things to make him happy. This year was no different except that Dark snaps out of no where.
You Promised
Hold On
My Home, His Cage
Profess, Sir 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7
The Nanny
Take A Break
