The memories played back like a movie in his head. Everything he had spent years remembering with a hole in his chest. He was back there again, 25 years younger, unable to grow facial hair with a tight shaven head.
“I went to BBU to study business. That’s where I met your mom. She was an education major with a concentration in early childhood development, wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. We met at a party. I guess she caught me staring because she walked straight over, looked me dead in the eye and told me she couldn't help but notice me looking at her friend. She then proceeded to tell me her friend wasn’t into guys and even if she was, I wasn’t her type.
“Oh yeah,” I remembered telling her, “And how would you know what her type was?”
“Well, it’s the exact opposite of mine, and you are just my type.” She told me.
“You’re very blunt.” I joked.
“I know what I like.” Her red lips perked into a smile. “So, are you going to keep staring at my friend, or do you want to get me a drink?”
I looked across the room at her friend. She pretended not to watch and turned her attention to some frat boy nearby. “Just so you know,” I leaned down to her, my voice low, “I wasn’t staring at her.””
______
“We dated the for last year of college, and when we graduated, we moved in with each other in a little shack on the bayfront. It wasn’t much, but it was a house, so we couldn’t complain. It was the first time either of us had ever been “in love,” and neither of us really knew what that meant. We were young and dumb. Really really dumb. Like, so dumb that I would ground you for life if you did half of the shit we did.
Then, at some point, I proposed. We were married the next spring at some vineyard her dad loved.
And everything was always so good and bright. I, I thought it would be like that forever.”
He stopped for a moment to collect himself. He knew where this story went. He could see it all before him in vivid flashes.
“Then, summer turned to fall and as the leaves fell so did our good fortune.” He looked away from Mathias, his throat starting to burn, “She was diagnosed with Stage three pancreatic cancer. She was eight months pregnant with you at the time and thought about waiting to deliver to make sure you were healthy enough to survive, but I talked her out of it. I didn’t want to raise a kid without her and we both knew how bad she already was. You were born a few days later 7 pounds 8-ounce little boy with her eyes and my nose.
She started treatment in what seemed like no time. We basically lived in the hospital for months.”
_____
“You were a momma’s boy from the start. You, well, you didn’t really seem to like me. You would scream until Evelyn held you. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get you to stop crying.
It was like you knew. Only a few months old, you could barely hold your head up, but you knew. You weren’t even there when it happened. You were off with your grandpa that weekend. I didn’t want you there. You weren’t old enough to remember it but, I couldn’t stand the idea of you seeing it.”
He watched as Mathias fought away tears the same way he had. Atticus didn’t know if he could cry anymore. “As soon as I got back from the hospital that night and picked you up, though, I never thought you’d stop crying. Hell, I never thought I’d stop crying. They gave me time off at work, but I never came back. I sold the small shack on the bayfront and packed everything up. Not but a month after the funeral, we were here."
______
“I took you back every so often to see your grandpa, but, he passed not long after Evelyn from heart failure. So we stopped going back. There was nothing left for us there.”
“I bought the cafe soon after, and a house after that. We started a new life away from everything bad. I wanted… I wanted to pretend none of it ever happened. Move on. Be a good dad to you. Give you a happy life. Be happy myself. And at some point, I finally did.”
He thought back to the day Lincoln walked into the cafe. Young, reckless, and firey danger in his eyes. Atticus didn’t know when his happiness came back, but he knew it happened sometime around then. It all felt meant to be. Felt worth it.
“I never thought about how it affected you. I told myself you were too young to remember it, so as I moved on, I stopped talking about it. I didn’t think you’d care. I didn’t think you’d want to know. I don’t know why. Maybe... maybe I was just too scared to talk about it at all.”
He looked at Mathias’s tear stricken face and ran a thumb under his watery eyes, “I’m sorry if I hurt you throughout the last few years. I didn’t mean to.”
“I never want to see you hurt like that, never wanted life to treat you like it treated me, which I guess is why I get so angry with you sometimes. You were so happy when you were little then that happiness turned to anger. It was like nothing I could do could stop your hurting and I hated that. I hated that I might have played a part in that.”