A Short History of Footballing Breakthroughs - Part 1.
Roy Keane used to joke that he almost made a medical breakthrough when he tackled Alf-Inge Håland. That's why he isn't invited to many dinner parties. British football, however, has in recent years made one surprising contribution to medical science.
In the early noughties anaesthetists at the Royal Free Hospital, London, started using recordings of Andy Townsend's football commentary as an alternative to conventional anaesthetics. It was cheap, relatively easy to administer and low-risk, with side effects that were largely negligible (loss of appetite, loss of sexual appetite, loss of interest in football, hair loss, memory loss, stupefying reversion of mental faculties, inanity, insanity, mundanity and some chafing).
However doctors now say they have perfected the technique using two recordings of Michael Owen; one in which he can be heard recommending mobile phone tariffs to Alan Shearer (Owen, a shrewd business man, extolls the virtues of an all-you-can-eat data package from telecoms enfant terrible* GiffGaff), and another in which he can be heard coaching Robert Soldado, a former stablemate at Real Madrid, through a ten-point guide of how to bleed a radiator. Soldado was evidently as unaccustomed to North London autumns as he was to the concept of radiators; the Spanish have no word for them.
It is reputed that the Owen bootlegs were hacked by a lone unscrupulous Sun reporter but that they have since been disseminated widely and used by Rupert Murdoch to successfully purge the final remnants of his conscience, as well as almost curing Dennis Bergkamp of his fear of flying. Owen, keen to jump on his own bandwagon, will be releasing an iPhone app 'Transcendental Success with Football's Michael Owen' in mid-2014. Whether Roy Keane will buy it remains to be seen.
* His words.
Illustrated by @alice_devine
