Hotmess Origins: Love is a verb that I never got.
I told Will I loved him 6 months in. He told me he didn’t love me yet, but thought he might be falling in love with me maybe. I told him that was okay. The next day we had a date planned. He didn’t drive yet (lol) so I called him when I was on my way. He got weird on the phone. “Uh, something came up...” he said nervously. I paused. “oh? okay....like a work thing?” “....nnoooo. Robert wants to got out for drinks at the Bell” he said, again really twitchy. I was in the care with my friend Michelle. I glanced at her and said “Is everything okay? You sound weird.” he cleared his throat. “I’m fine” he said, unconvincingly. “I just really want to go to the Bell” “okay” I said “Hey can I go too?” “NO” he said fast, then cleared his throat AGAIN “I mean, no..I uh, I was invited I don’t know...” I had a bad feeling creep up my spine. “oh, so its like a guys night?” a pause. “Yeah!: he said, sounding relieved. “Yep, just guys tonight nobody else.” I thought for a moment. “Okay” I said “its fine that you want a guys night, but please give me notice next time. We had plans,” he agreed, sounding, I swear to god, guilty as hell. “Are you sure you’re okay? you sound really, REALLY off.” Michelle looked at me and told me in a whisper “just drop it” he repeated he was fine,and I said okay, keep in touch. We hung up. Michelle told me she thought he sounded weird too but me asking him that wasn't gonna make him tell me anything. I agreed. I wondered if I was being a crazy, possessive girlfriend. My intuition told me that I wasn’t, but my brain told me to chill. To my eternal surprise, I started crying a little once Michelle and I separated. Then I got angry. Who the fuck cancels a date when it is LITERALLY about to start? I decide that I’m going out an having fun without him. I text him that I’ll be at karaoke and ask if he is having fun, and he doesn't respond. In fact, he doesn't text me once ll evening, not even to tell me he got home safe, which I had asked him to do, I had a blast at karaoke, and shamelessly flirted at my friend Rene. Nothing overt. No touching or even that strong of innuendo. Just more flirty than usual. I made sure to stay out until 3 am. A couple days later I was at Will’s when He got a message from a girl named Emily. It said something along the lines of “Thank you so much again for coming out again, mechanic will ;) I had a blast.” I was on his computer while he was in the shower and looked at his phone when it dinged. My heart immediately went cold. So then, unable to resist, I did something morally wrong. I looked through his phone. It turns out the he didn't cancel to go to the Bell with Robert. He cancelled to go with This girl Emily. Robert was there, but from the text message I learned she had gone to his house with him and Robert, and lest at around 2am. He messaged her to make sure she got home safe in a very flirty manner, and she responded in kind. He had a text from his roommate around 1am telling him to “be the good man she knew he was...” and she confirmed it was about him bringing a girl home, albeit with other men. I was filled with white hot rage. How could he do this to me that fucking NIGHT AFTER I told him I was in love with him, and he refused to say it back? Why was he even WITH me? why was I with him? I confronted him when he got back into the room. He tried to get angry at me for checking his phone, and I was so angry I don’t even think I apologized. Again, I almost left him. But he convinced me nothing happened---over the next few months more and more details would come out tthat proved he lied to me more, but at the time he swore he didn’t try or even consider anything, and that neither did she (she tried kissing him. I have no idea if he let her to this day.). That he met her that night. ( he had met her a couple weeks before and had had lunch with her every day while ignoring my texts and saying he had to work through lunch when I offered to bring him lunch). and that she had only stayed 2 minutes (she stayed an hour.) I told him my trust was incredibly fragile. He would have to work hard to gain it back. He agreed. That night we went to Karaoke again, and he blew me off while going to get me a water for my friend Kayleena (you might remember her as the girl he complimented several times before me) for over an hour before my friend Shawn got pissed and found him to tell him off. I stayed with him. No, I don’t know why. I guess I felt I deserved this treatment. For months afterwards he lied and then I’d find out he was still; hanging out with Emily daily. I eventually told him it was her or me, and he called me a controlling bitch. I told him that I just couldnt deal and he had to choose. He chose me but said I needed to stop being a possessive girlfriend, and that he should be allowed friends. He didn't tell me he loved me until one week before our 1 year anniversary. He never acted like he loved me. And I still don’t understand why I accepted it.
